2008 Reflections

I guess I will jump on the bandwagon and write about the year "2008". As I sit here thinking, I am feeling like it was a pretty great year. We made it through another year. I am healthy, my family is healthy, what more could ask for? Nothing. Oh we could ask to win the lottery, but really its not necessary. Would it be nice? Well sure!!! Of course, there is one catch to that..."You gotta buy the damned ticket first!" LOL

The year started out kind of rough. My son was going through a rough time physically and emotionally. My youngest started out the year passing out behind the wheel of his truck, having a wreck, and taken to the hospital in an ambulance. After many, many, many tests, nothing was found. He has a history of a heart problem that was corrected when he was 13 (he is now 20), but the tests for that recurring were negative. All tests were negative. We should've been happy, right? Well not knowing drove me crazy. He had another passing out spell at college, sending him to the ER again. More tests, more doctors, but not any more answers. He has been through many tests this year and the only thing they ever came up with was anxiety. He seems to be fine now. During the summer, this same son (I have two = one is 25 and the youngest is 20) had an accident with an auger bit and nearly shredded his first finger right off on his right hand. The doc at the ER was amazing and did some amazing sewing to get that finger back where it needed to be. He has full use of the finger and just some scars and some nerve pain are his constantly reminders. He was so lucky, or blessed, that it wasn't worse. He, obviously, is my accident prone child. After having horrible semester due to all the health problems, he didn't go back this year. He plans to start back up this next semester. My oldest son, was accepted into a master's program that basically he is forming himself. He also got funding for his master's program, which was a major biggie. He's been under some major stress with his coursework and his work he has to do with the local Indian Museum. He's studying to be a Forensic Anthropologist and getting this funding and internship was a major "kudo" for him. He's a bone guy, so to speak. Because he went to college at UT where the "body-farm" is, he has exerpience and knowledge that some of his professors don't have, so he's already being asked to help teach some anthropology courses. Pretty cool. He and his wife are doing remarkably well, other than living next door to her parents. Its about to drive both of them crazy, and boy I understand that! But all in all, they are happy too! Just busy. His wife is a CPA and now that the year is ending, well we won't be seeing her until after April 15th! But, she is working!

So, due to the fact that my youngest, ever since her started football in high school, seems to be a regular at the ER, I have put my female health problems on the backburner. Well, they reared their ugly head and I had to have a hysterectomy in November, rounding out the year just fine!! Now, I realize this is just the tip of the iceburg and seems like a lot to go through, but hey, seems like a normal year to me! LOL We've been through better, we've been through worse.

I can't see anything but the good in my life, even when little crises tend to rear their ugly heads. How many people do you know who have a wonderful marriage after 26 years? I do and am so happy about it. My husband and I have stable jobs that are secure. We have money in the bank. We live the life we want to live. What could be better? Sure, we all wish things were different. I wish I had this weight off of me. I wish my son could figure out what he wants to do with his life so he could be happy too. I wish for all of those soldiers to come home without yet another casualty. I know this is cliche' and hoakie, but I wish health and happiness to all the people I know and love and to all my blogging friends as well!

My best advice? Don't sweat the small stuff, its all small stuff.....and savour the moment. Especially to those who have children. Don't turn around becasue before you know it, their grown! Don't miss that ballgame or band recital because you are too busy because that's something you can't get back..........(I didn't miss any but my husband had too for various reasons beyond his control and he wishes he could get those moments back). Hug your kids. Hug your wife/husband. They are what matters!!

Happy New Year!!

I've been dismissed!!!

Okay, so that's misleading, but have been to the doctor and have been medically released. We discussed the pains I have been having and feel like he just dismissed them without much thought. Even though, these pains are manageable, they are still bugging me! He explained them all away, which is good, but its frustrating to still be having pain. He said the pain could go on for 3-6 months. I realize the six week mark isn't a magically healing moment, just frustrated that one day I think I am back to normal and the next I feel like shit again. Of course, he said that is normal too. He thinks the fatigue will go on for a couple more months. He said all the right things, blah, blah, blah, but it didn't make me feel any less frustrated.. What was I wanting? I am not sure. I guess I was wanting the all masterful genius doctor to wave his magic wand and declare me "HEALED, YOU ARE HEALED!" That's not what happened!! Of course, he told me the obligatory if things get worse, yadda yadda yadda, just call back. We all know how easy it is to get in touch with our doctors, now don't we?

Well, as for being OP today, well, its been a great day. I even had starbucks. I hadn't used very many points throughout the day, so after stopping by to see the hubby at work, I stopped by Starbucks and got me a white chocolate mocha. One of my many weaknesses. Lucky for me, they closed the starbucks that is close to me!! I now have to go way out of my way to get one....so it is a nice treat. Still have 4 pts. left for the day. Probably won't use them. I am sitting here on the heating pad, relaxing waiting for the Advil to kick in. I have no intentions of moving right now! I did work out this morning, so I don't have to feel too guilty for sitting back and doing nothing!

All in all, I guess I have had a great day. Stayed OP, got released from the doc, had dinner with the hubby, and now sitting and relaxing! Awwwhhhhhh! It feels good!

What have you done for yourself today?

First Day OP.......A little slip up!! (Already???)

Yeah, well, it was calling my name. It was taunting me. So I ate it. The leftover pumpkin cheesecake. Yep, I ate it. I counted....YES I COUNTED IT, but really? Using your WPAs on the firs day? How warped is that?

I did eat good today though. I managed to get in all my healthy guidelines, etc. I managed to get in all the water. I also have a diet headache. Yeah, every time I start dieting again, I get the headache! This too shall pass. Now that I think of it, it may just be a caffeine headache. I don't think I have had any today. WOW. That's great.

Well, I must say my greatest accomplishment for today was throwing that damned cheesecake in the garbage. Well???? It made me mad that I gave in so quickly, so dammit IT HAD TO GO! Wish I had been that strong before I actually ate a piece, but hey, BABY STEPS....right?

I worked out a little today too. Waiting until I see the doctor tomorrow before doing anything major. Just some walking, but I did get the heart rate up a little, so hey, its gotta count!

Just wanted to share my first day OP and my very first clusterfuck/messup!

I'M BAAAAACCCCCKKKKKK!

I went to Weight Watchers today. I am so glad I did! I must say, though, that I was extremely disappointed with my weight. I have ended up instead of 14 lbs. like I thought, I had gained 21 lbs. That's a big damned difference! I am really pissed at myself! This last 7 lbs. I believe was just within the last week. Until this Christmas week full of goodies and stress, I was doing really well.
HOWEVER, it does leave me with a 22.8 net loss, which I am going to embrace!! Thirty pound net loss sounded soooooooooooooooo much better! Enough of that.

I need to sit down and "strategize" this next week and cook up some stuff for the next week (My first week back at work). My energy level is not up to pre-surgery levels, so this last week off I am going to do some light exercising. I have been walking all along, and hopefully, on Tuesday I will be released to do more.

I was a little frustrated at my WW meeting though. They do not have the new "Momentum Plan" information out yet, so I have all of the old stuff. Everything is "basically" the same, its just combined the two plans. You are still counting points, yet they are encouraging you to eat from the "filling foods" list, which is the old core plan. Not a big deal in my book.

I guess I need to get over my frustrations and just get on with it. I am proud of myself for just getting on with it and going back to WW. I do better when I go to meetings. I need some accountability. My sister is joining as well, and while she doesn't have near the weight to lose as I do, it will be nice to have someone to kind of by a buddy with. Just wish she lived closer so we could do the gym thing together. Think I might go if I had someone to go with me!

Okay, just wanted to let everyone know I finally BACK ON TRACK AND READY TO GO!

Twenty six years!!!!

Yep, that's right! Today is my twenty sixth wedding anniversary!! Lucky for me I was only three when I got married! LOL Actually I was 18. But, its been an amazing ride. Lots of ups and downs, but happy to say more ups than downs. My DH was one of those "love at first sight" things that everybody says never lasts. Maybe not, but I would have to twenty six years is a good start, huh? LOL

My hubby and I got married in Memphis and two days later left for San Diego. Lived there a year and a half, moved back to Memphis, moved back to San Diego, moved to Japan, and settled in TN. OH, had a baby within all that moving. Had a another baby five years later. Survived each other, survived raising children with their little league, pee wee football, music lessons, soccer, high school band, high school football, college for both, some college football............through this we survived the DH going to war, his coming back a totally different person (his convoy being ambushed, him being wounded, bronze star w/valor), working through PTSD.................Some of these obstacles, good times and bad times, could've broken us up, lucky for me, I married the man who always put me first......always has my back........the man I loved instantly.....my best friend. We had an instant bond. We know what each other is thinking. When he was in Iraq, I could be distraught needing my husband and low and behold, he would call. We just have a connection. God sent me my soul mate. This much I know.......!

Okay, now I am done with the mushy stuff, and you know what? After 26 years of marriage, I am just now getting him trained!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL Think I would start all over from scratch. Now way in hell!

Relief!

Whew, its over! Yep, Christmas has come and gone! The in-laws leave in the morning! Life as we know it will get back to "abby-normal"!!

So, having a house full of people is not my idea of fun! I am not the hostess with the mostest..not at all. Mainly because I worry myself sick making sure everything is prefect, when that is just not possible. I ended up cooking Christmas dinner for the most part by myself. Dinner was about done, when I finally had to say, "look I have to sit down awhile, somebody needs to finish this stuff." The hubby, father-in-law, and mother-in-law decided to come help THEN. Oh, the FIL did help out, after the slamming of the cabinet doors caught his attention. Tried not to get too bitchy, but it just slipped out~hehehe Ok, not trying to be a bitch BUT I told the hubby I didn't want to do all of this just 5 weeks after my hyster....did he listen? HELL NO.....

Ok, so I am headed to WW on Sunday (if its open Sunday -- if not have to find a different day). I am ready to get back to being a "loser". I want my energy back! So many of you amazing people have me motivated to get back at it! Thanks for that.

CJ

......and to all a good night!

Well, Christmas is over. It is so exciting getting ready, shopping, stressing, running around like crazy........then its over. A little bit of a let down, but mostly a relief. The Christmas dinner (that the hubby and his mother were SUPPOSED to cook ---- I cooked) was excellent. Santa was good to everybody this year....way to good, as usual! The hubby is in bed, my in-laws are in bed, my oldest son and his wife are headed back to Memphis, my youngest is cleaning the kitchen!! All in all, its been a great day............and I am, of course, dealing with insomnia.

Since my surgery, insomnia is my friend!! Makes for a lot more blog posting, that's for sure. I really wore myself out today, did more than I should have, and though I am physically tired, I cannot fall asleep! You might think, too excited from the wonderful day? Nope. Just can't sleep. My insomnia isn't because I am over tired, over excited. I get this every now and again. My insomnia is because my brain won't shut off. That's right I think myself AWAKE! Who does that? Well, I do of course!

Any secret desires you are hoping will appear once the weight starts coming off? Other than sex, because everybody wants better sex!! RIGHT?
(PS - Guess while I am wishing, I wish I was one of those neurotic housekeepers too!! LOL)

So, now that all of the festivities are over, its time to get back to WW. I have my six weeks check up Tuesday and then the following week I go back to work. Not looking forward to it, yet I am looking forward to getting out of the house. EVEN THOUGH, I have quite enjoyed my time at home. I think the going back to work has me anxious. Part of the reason(s) I can't sleep I am sure. My thoughts are to go back to WW this coming Sunday. Why wait til the first of the year? Everybody else will be making resolutions to lose weight......it will be crowded. I will go ahead and join and get in their before the "rush" does. I am not making a resolution. I am just trying to change my life. I may have taken a detour these last few months, and yes you might say I had a "reason" why, but its not a reason. It's an excuse.

I refuse to go back up on weight or in size. I was beginning to like clothes again, but just a little. I was enjoying the being active, but just a little (LOL). I secretly want to be one of those gym rats, but just don't have the backbone for it. I can be very aggressive in my work life, my home life, and most aspects of my life (by aggressive I mean -- I do what needs to be done, don't take no shit, and demand respect) but when it comes to things in my life, like getting the courage to go to a gym, I'm a coward! Scared of my own shadow.......what will people think? So, that's the next thing to work on in my life, other than the ongoing lifestyle change.

What makes people...............................................

act like f---ing idiots this time of year? Ok, all I had to do was grocery shop. Crazy ass drivers, crazy people in the grocery store, stupid people hired to check people out. I touched on this a few days ago, but now that its closer to Christmas I just wanted to say, "WHATA THE HELL CAUSES EVERBODY TO LOSE THEIR F---ING MINDS?"

MERRY CHRISTMAS ( I do really mean it)

Coming out of the clouds

Today I feel like I am beginning to come out of the clouds. I guess I have been in a cloud for a while now. Not just since having my hysterectomy, which believe me hasn't helped. Since I quit eating right and stopped going to weight watchers, I feel like I was this airplane flying through the clouds, and now, I feel like the clouds are thinning a bit and I am beginning to see where I am at, where I am going. Does that make sense? I am not sure. Its just what's in my head!

I remember thinking back in August when my falling off the wagon began. I felt terrible when I started that terrible fall. I can always feel right away when I haven't been eating right. I feel like I am in a fog, in a cloud. Well, maybe, just maybe my fog is lifting.

This has been brought to me in large part from my blogging friends. This six weeks off and my massive boredom has brought to this blogging community of wonderful people. Its given me the will to fight again. Something I felt like I had lost. I am slowly finding it again. There are so many amazing people out there in the same fight and I must say, I am in some amazing company. Yes, the season brings on depression in many people, usually for me even, but not this year. It has brought me a new hope. New friends. Definitely new inspirations. I was given the gift of time with this surgery and I feel like it has truly given back to me 10 fold.

I read back over my posts from earlier this month and earlier this year. Some were good, while others were not. How can I sit here and complain about being frustrated with boredom, when there are people out there praying for a day off.? How can I bitch and moan about the cold when there are others who have to sleep out in this stuff? How can I be frustrated with my healing process when I am doing amazingly well and there are so many others in the hospital today, fighting for their lives today, in pain, in chemo, fighting a fight I know nothing about? I am blessed. I am happy. I have an amazing family. Amazing friends. Amazing co-workers. An amazing job. So, today, I am coming out of the clouds, letting the fog lift and looking forward. Looking ahead at what life has in store and realizing I am in an amazing place right now.

Thanks for all the bloggers. You have really made me see the light through those clouds. I have truly enjoyed reading these blogs and seeing your thoughts and emotions written down for the world to see. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Baby It's Cold Outside!!!

Brrrrrr.........First let me say, normally I am hot natured person and welcome cooler weather. I said COOLER weather. I live in the south. I like the south. But our weather...........well sucks at times. Now now now...I realize a lot of you are dealing with snow storms and I certainly shouldn't complain knowing so many of you are getting your exercise via the daily shoveling of snow. HOWEVER..........I live in TN........It's only 12 degrees right now and BABY ITS COLD OUTSIDE! I love snow, as long as it snows long enough to close schools (I work at a school) and then melts quickly enough to give me the rest of the day to get out and do what I want!! LOL ..... IN WW TERMS....I want my cake and to eat it too!

I have learned I am just not a cold weather person. Part of it is I am just a baby....The other part is I am allergic to the cold. I know...you think I am crazy. She's lost her freakin' mind! Well, no. It's the truth. My mom, my oldest son, and myself are all allergic to the cold. For instance, when staying outside for any amount of time in the cold (like football games! Love football), especially a cold rain or snow, I break out in blotches. My mom does this as well. If I drink something that's icey cold, my throat tickles and swells. My mother's swells to the point that she can no longer eat ice cream for fear her throat will close. My son has the tickle in his throat thing going on too. Me, if I am just cold and can't seem to get warm, I will itch all over, whether there is a rash there or not leaving me no choice but to take Benadryl. Its the only thing that works. Yes, we are quite the weird little family! My son, who not only is allergic to cold is allergic to water. Well, actually in places that have lots of chemicals in their water, or "hard" water, he itches and burns. Where he is living right now doesn't have hard water so he's good. He married someone who is allergic to peanuts and "legumes". Yep, if they ever have children, I fear they will have the "boy in the plastic bubble" child! I poke fun, but don't mean any disrespect for someone who is going through or has a child going through something like that.

So, I am waiting until it warms up into the 20's to go grocery shopping. Of course, TN is quite unpredictable. Today, highs of 20-30. Tomorrow in the 40's. Christmas day 60's. We worry more about tornadoes in the winter these days than we do about snow! One day 30, next day 70. Lots of tornadoes.

Just thought I would share my "cold" experience. Yes, as you are all shoveling snow, I am whining about 20 degrees. Sorry. That's my life! LOL

Thoughts on my comeback!!

Okay, here I sit. Its Sunday morning............I have lots of thoughts running around in my head this morning. Couldn't sleep in, though I tried. Too freakin' cold to go outside and walk. (Its 25 degrees -- I am in the south ----too damned cold). So, I turn to my computer again.

So, yesterday, I sent my sister a text message that said, I am going back on WW, want to join with me (she lives in another city 2.5 hours away -- so we wouldn't be doing meetings together, just the program together). Anyway, I was sure she would say, I don't know we will see. When she said "sure", I said, ok, I am thinking about joining on the Sunday after Christmas. She said ok. Now, will she? I don't know. Will I? I am not sure (trying to be honest), but I am trying to plan for it anyway. The hubby works that day, why not, right? So, as I sit here, typing away, I am planning my comeback.

I have come to far to go back. I had lost 44 lbs. I cannot gain all of that back. I have gained 14 back but since my surgery, I have been stepping on the scale everyday and have tweaked my eating so I wouldn't gain, and I haven't. So, why can't I tweak my diet so I can lose? DUH!

I realize I am addicted to food. I realize no matter if I am dieting or not, food will always be an issue with me. So why not obsess over food by dieting, counting points, or whatever instead of going off on my latest binge? Oh, I'm not naive enough to think I won't have binges in the future. Nor am I naive enough to think I won't have setbacks and pitfalls along the way. I mean, we have them in our everyday lives, certainly we would have them with our diets.

So, here I go again! My problem is boredom. I get so tired of dieting. That's what happened this last time. I get tired of counting. I get tired of not going into a restaurant and just ordering, rather than looking at this, what's the points for this, or whatever. It's called discipline. I don't have much of it. All of these things I am going to work on. I mean "do what you always did, get what you always got", right?

So, sister or no sister, I am going to get back on the WW wagon. I realize that I need to blog to put my thoughts somewhere. I also realize that reading others blogs are extremely inspirational. Carlos and Tony, you are my weight loss heroes! Kelly, your writing and your words are inspirational. I only hope they help you as much as they help others! Thanks to all of my weight watchers and weight loss friends!

My comeback in (slow) motion

Just thought I would tell you that I have started my comeback. Have not joined weight watchers again (I do have etools still though) but, I did get up this morning and did one of my WATP videos. It was just the one mile one......I could only do a half mile (I was doing up to five at my peak). My body wasn't ready just yet for more. I feel better. I am glad I did it. I am now sitting here writing this with an ice pack on my tummy, but I didn't do too much, just taking precautions. So, I feel like I am headed in the right direction and though I may be in "slow" motion, I guess I need to give myself some credit for having any motion.....RIGHT?

Today, I am grateful for my ability to get back up and do some bit of work out. I am grateful for all my blogging friends, because you are pushing me back in the right direction. Thank you so much. For that, I am truly grateful!

Just a short note...

I was looking at the date on my earlier post and Dec. 17th kept nagging at me throughout the day. Why did this date mean something to me?

I figured it out. Twenty four years ago today, I was a 20 year old woman on her way to Japan with my one year old son in tow to meet my husband who had been sent there six months earlier. How crazy was I? Youth gives us courage I guess. Don't know if I would do that now! LOL

Just wanted to share! Thanks!

On the road to recovery......

No, I am not a recovering addict or anything (well let me see, right now I am just an addict re: food but that's not what I am talking about)....................I am recovering from surgery. Its been long and dull and boring. I am amazed at how you can feel like the top of the world one day and crash the next. I wonder if that's what a real addict would feel like? Hmmm...interesting...??!!!!

Just like with dieting, I am having good days and bad days. Today, a real high energy day, for me anyway. More shopping and feeling great. Didn't crash like I have been lately.....Still get easily tired, but am starting to see that I am getting stronger. Who would've thought that this surgery would take all of my energy.

Of course, its amazing to me how people (including myself) think, "Oh, its just a hysterectomy, no big deal, up and at 'em after six weeks." Ok. I realize in today's society we don't think a hysterectomy is a big deal, and frankly I didn't think it was a big deal until it happened to me. I had natural child births and felt great after my kids were born. This was nothing like that. Of course, I had 12 weeks off back then. Now, I have a hysterectomy, have an organ cut out of my body, and I am off six weeks. Seems like there is something wrong with that picture. I don't think I will have a problem going back to work, don't get me wrong, and believe me, I am ready (not til Jan. 5th) on some levels.....! I remember my mom having a hysterectomy about 15 years ago and I don't remember her having any problems either. I am not having problems, I just don't understand these energy levels.

Its an amazing roller coaster this "healing" going on. I felt amazing the first two weeks after my hysterectomy. Walking in the neighborhood, feeling amazing. I don't feel that way anymore. Yes, I think I have done way too much, but I cannot sit for much longer without going crazy! I know I have said all of this before, its just in the forefront of my mind at this time. At least I'm not obsessing over food, but I am, I always do. From whatever extreme I am at the moment, food is always my vice. It does have control over my life. It always has had. It probably always will.

So here I sit at my computer.....trying not to think of my next twinge, pain, the next time exhaustion will hit. ....... But all the while............I am planning my comeback!

(I am grateful today for my energy level -- what are you grateful for today???)

What I Noticed Today!

Okay, since being off, I have noticed many things......The first one being as much as I hate work, (and its not my job I hate, just the other trappings that go with it) I noticed that I am not a stay at home person. This four weeks has me bored to tears. I have read two books, been on the internet more than I ever cared to, and stared at these walls until I have driven myself crazy (oh and another thing I noticed is that these walls need painting!!)

So, as boredom sets in and the energy comes back (not fast enough though), I am venturing out to do Christmas shopping. I noticed that even though I have time to shop this year because I am not at work, I hate it just as much. I love giving, don't get me wrong, I just hate what it turns everybody in to. We turn in to hunters.............on the hunt for that perfect gift. Is there such a thing? I don't think so. My children are grown and I do miss Christmas morning with my babies. Right now, I am in that state of Christmas's not having as much hold on me as they used to. Maybe it is the lack of children around. Maybe its my cynical nature, who knows. I always get the blahs this time of year. I noticed that though my situations have changed, I don't guess I have.

OH, and I notice that out shopping, people aren't cheerful and happy, they are rude and obnoxious, pushy and hateful, whiney and BITCHY...........and that wasn't me! Oh, and stupid. I realize that these places hire whatever walks in the door for Christmas help, but come on, at least hire someone who can run a simple cash register. Its not that hard. It amazes me that this generation cannot count change. If the register doesn't tell them, they have no idea how much to give back.

While Christmas is the time of family, I find that the thought of all of them in my house is driving me nuts. But that's me, I am always like that. I love the get togethers as long as they are somewhere else other than my house!

Okay, now that I have vented I would like to say that I am normally a happy person. I realize that my posts as of late say otherwise, but I am a happy person. I have everything I ever wanted. I have beautiful children, a wonderful husband whom I still love very much, and yes, an amazing family. Unfortunately, the negative gets NOTICED more than the positive. I am going to try and start living my life on the positive instead of the negative. It makes for a happier person. I remember when my children were younger we did a "grateful" journal. It did make us a happier family. We made an attempt everyday to be grateful. Then I took it further and decided we had to do something nice for someone outside of our family at least once a week. Somewhere in the hectic schedules of band practice, football and baseball practice and games, work, work, and more work, we quit doing our grateful journal. I think that is something I should resurrect. So with that being said, I would just like to say, I am grateful for the life I have, the children I have, the husband I have, the friends and family I have and the many online friends I have through blogging and through Weight Watchers.!!!

Frustrated!!!!!!

Okay, as I sit here on medical leave due to my hysterectomy, I am totally getting frustrated. I came home from the hospital with all of this energy and felt pretty good for just having an organ cut out of me!~ I have a high tolerance of pain. I thought. Here I am, it will be four weeks tomorrow and the things I am not able to do are really getting on my nerves. I can do laundry as long as I don't change it over.....meaning I can load the washing machine and fold it and put it away. So, that's limited and while that doesn't hurt my feelings at all because I HATE DOING LAUNDRY, I am actually wishing I could do it.

I did go in to work Friday and today (Monday) for three hours each day. I had to write checks and do my monthly bank statement. No one else is able to do it as I am the only one allowed in my books except for the auditors. One of the auditors said she could come, but then wasn't able to, so yes, it fell back to me to do. Well, that was awful. I was worn out Friday and hurt like hell. It took Saturday and Sunday to get over it. Well, went again today as I said and well now I feel even worse. Here I sit with my back on the heating pad wondering if I should take some of the 'STRONG' meds from the hospital. Not many of those puppies left and I want to hang on to them for something really big!!! LOL

After reading Carlos's blog, I realize I am in a rut that only I can snap myself out of. But, then again, every year I get in to this rut at this time.....yes it has a lot to do with Christmas and all the pressures that it brings. Now, I realize I will almost be healed by the time Christmas comes, because you know, when they say six weeks recovery, when that six weeks point hits, BAM you are healed!!! Anyway, the in-laws are coming and while I do love them, their presence alone is enough to cause a relapse! They are good people, I am just NOT the company type. I worry myself into a frenzy. My husband is the "if the house isn't ready by then...so be it" type person and well I am the "clean like crazy until they get here" type of person. So, if I don't do it...who will?

So, I am staging my comeback. I realize I should just jump on the bandwagon and get back to weight watchers right now, to hell with the big Christmas dinner and all the treats everyone seems to love to bring since I have had surgery..............but, I won't. I am waiting until its all over. I am waiting until the inlaws leave. I am putting off the weight loss..........again, but all the while, I promise I am staging a comeback!!! I have lost perspective of what matters and need to get that back before I can truly heal. Thanks to Carlos and to Kelly for making me realize what's important!

I changed

Well, I wrote one post about me changing my URL/Blog name....must have forgot to save it. Oh well, here it goes again.

I changed the name basically because this is the name I used with WW many years ago and honestly portraits me a little better. I have always felt trapped within myself. The inner me so desperately wanting to come out...the outer me always in control. No, I am not Sibyl, just one of the many people in the world who is fat on the outside - with a thin person dying to get out.

Having had two weeks at home recovering, I have had way too much time to think. Hence the name change. Having four more weeks to recover, lots more time to deal with the inner me and outer me struggles. I am rooting for the inner actually. She's the one who, after years and years of dieting, knows how to eat, knows nutrition, knows exercise, and knows this is the only way to fix what's wrong. The outer me, the demon in my life who is a control freak, is the one we have to fight!!

So, here's to letting the inner thin person inside me, out of this fat suit!!! Wish it were that easy. I know its not easy. I know its a struggle. I have already had the fun, or I wouldn't be this big. So, now its time for the struggles......................................Wish me luck!

Where Have I Been???

Okay, I have been gone for awhile. A long while. Am I back on Weight Watchers. Not just yet, but I am hoping this is a step in the right direction. Back at the end of September and/or the beginning of October, I got the news that I would need a hysterectomy. Well, after finally getting the answer I wanted, yes I wanted a hysterectomy, it kind of kicked me in the gut. After having years of problems and many other unsuccessful attempts of finding any other way other than a hysterectomy to solve the problems, I decided for a hysterectomy.

Well, I had this hysterectomy on Nov. 18th. I am now 11 days post op and haven't felt this good in years, if ever. Why didn't I do this sooner? I am ready to get up and start working out. Honestly, I feel super. Well, doc won't let me work out just yet, but seriously I have NEVER felt better. What took me so long? Good question, huh.

Well, my next challenge or challenges maybe, are going to be getting back to what I know works. Weight Watchers. There is just no reason not to. I think its a good omen I feel so good. Its telling me - "Girl, if you hadn't been on WW before this hysterectomy and got healthier and in better shape, your healing now wouldn't be as good." And I firmly believe this. So, what else besides healthier food and some light exercise to keep it going. RIGHT? So, as I sit here for the next five weeks with nothing else to do, I may as well use this to my advantage and get back to what works.

I'm stuck!

Okay, I haven't been here in awhile! I haven't had time, nor the energy, nor the drive to do this or anything else for that matter. I have been seriously sucking on the diet. Trying to do it at home and that's not working out too good for me. I need something to jolt me back to reality and to keep me from just giving in.........

Will be having surgery in less than a month. Yep the female surgery that all of us just totally look forward to. Yes, I could blame the lack of enthusiasm for WW right now on the fact that I have to have surgery.....but its just that.....an excuse. I am just not motivated. To eat right, to exercise, to do anything. I have felt terrible for several months now and its my own fault. I am eating crap so I feel like crap. Have put back on 9 lbs. What a dope!

So, here I sit, trying to get back in the game, but not really caring about the game, the score, or the outcome~~

Its been a long time

Well, well, well, here I am.................after a long absence.......WHY? Who knows. Oh yes, you know. Its because I have been lazy and on and off program more than I can count. I lost four pounds lost week after a three week absence. WOOHOO, how did I celebrate? by jumping right off the wagon and into the fires of hell I guess!

Oh, I have many excuses. Work has been hell, to say the least. It's always this way at the beginning of the school year. I just seem to be annoyed with everyone and everything. I have one co-worker who doesn't get on my nerves........that's it. I just am not in the mood...........for ANYTHING....but food, of course. Any kind of food that I don't have to cook. Work started back, my headaches started back. Go f---ing figure! So, of course, due to the headaches, this wonderful high I have been on due to exercise all came crashing down around me when I stopped exercising. Can you say DUH....you idiot? Then of course there is the issue(s) with my son.......He's a great kid. He just is frozen with fear about getting on with his life and having a future....That or he's just a lazy shit and we are going to have to boot him the hell out of the house. It truly hurts my heart to say those things, but I dare say those feelings are true blue!

So, here I am after a long of week of not caring what I have eaten, coming up to my 44th birthday this next week......................Now, I'm still enjoying the weight loss, the clothes being too big, the compliments, I mean who doesn't enjoy that? But, I'm bored. I'm tired. and OBVIOUSLY I'm a whiney ass. I basically am just here to pour out feelings to put them somewhere. I have only told about 5 or 6 people about this blog and only a few WW online people, but I don't really do this for them to see, mostly just for me. I have inspired others to start their own blogs. I think that's great. Somewhere to put all this stuff in your head and in your heart, huh?

Well, now its on to another week. My WW is closed tomorrow, which is my WI day and on Monday as well. guess I will go Tuesday. Maybe that's enough time to erase some if the damage I have caused this week. Who knows!

See you on the other side of 44!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's wrong with this picture?

So, this working out thing seems to be sticking...........what's wrong with this picture? This is not me, I say! Not me at all!!!!! I didn't work out Monday or Tuesday, mainly because of cramps from hell....no HELL! Worked out twice yesterday......ME? Really? I am not seeing the same person in the mirror.........hmmmmm........is this good or bad? Not really sure, but I think I like it. I have never been one to like the person in the mirror.......maybe the winds of change have blown....or maybe I am just blowing sunshine up my own ass......either way, again I say.......I like it!

Well, Stopped by on a whim and weighed in last week and was up 6.4 lbs. Weighed in this past Sunday (just 4 days later) and I had lost 8 lbs. So, a net loss of 1.6. How in the hell did that happen? Lost the water weight from PMS/TOM I realize, but I am going to take it and celebrate it and hopefully this exercising will burn some more of my ass off. If I eat french fries any more this week, all the exercise in the world won't help!

Another senseless rambling I call.............................ME!

First Week Back

Okay, so this was my first week back at work. Been off for the summer. (Work for the school system). Whew, the week really went by fast and as usual I didn't seem to get a thing accomplished.......besides going to useless meetings and doing the principal's work. Nothing out of the norm!!!!

I worked out Monday, Wednesday, and Friday this week. What a difference. The norm for me would be Friday comes, I walk through the door after a BUSY week, and would collapse. Today, I came home, changed out the dog water (five dogs -- baby pool is their water bowl!!), rode the 4-wheeler in the backyard, went out to eat on the other side of town (usually a big fat NO because i would be too tired)........So, all in all, I would say this has been a great week. Next week, here I come.

I know we ALL HATE EXERCISE!!! But I highly recommend it. I feel wonderful. Hopefully this Sunday will show a loss, if not, I don't care. I feel great!! See ya!

It doesn't pay!!

w. Well, it doesn't pay to stay off program. I gained 6.4 lbs. this week. Now, let me explain. I have to explain it, of course. I know why I gained. I kept snacking. I had french fries this week. That never helps. Mainly there are three reasons why I gained that much. 1) I didn't do well staying on program, 2) I am PMSing big time and my ankles are swollen to twice their size, and 3) I had just eaten a big dinner. Why did I weigh in then? Well, I needed to step up to the plate (no pun intended) and go ahead and WI. I knew it would be bad. Actually I thought it would be more like 10 lbs, so really its good. I have worked out Three times this week (Sun,Mon,Wed). I started back to work on Monday and I find that if I go ahead and get up at 5 a.m. and workout, I feel much better during the day. So, going to try and make that a habit. So, I am not feeling down or upset with myself or ready to just say forget it and eat everything in the house. I am going to try that much harder to stick to this. I like wearing smaller sizes. Just one or two sizes right now, but they are getting loose too. The most frustrating thing that happened at WI was there was a grumpy old man weighing me in and he was rude and had no sense of humor. I hate weighing in when he is there. I need to get back to my Sunday meetings.

My youngest son (19) got his stitches out today from the "drill" accident. He got two of his fingers chewed up by an auger bit. 23 stitches and a quite a lot of pain. Poor kid. He doesn't have the luck, that's for sure. He will be fine though. He is going to sit out this semester instead of going to college. I am afraid he will like that too much and just quit, but I'm praying that he won't. He's a good kid and doesn't realize how smart he is. He's a little lazy when it comes to bookwork, but he is so smart.

My oldest son is going through some depression and I feel helpless to help him. He has talked to a doctor and doing all the right things, he is just not where he wants to be in life and that worries me. He is unhappy where he and the wife are living, yet he was unhappy where he was before they have moved. I used to be that way, until I realized the town I live in doesn't make happiness. I do. So, hopefully I can help him by just being there. Someone I work with found some bones on their land and I called my son to let him know. He seemed kind of excited about (getting his master's in anthropology). It was nice to talk to him about something that he sounds excited about.

I do love my children. They are so precious. I hope they will always know how much they are loved. How much they were wanted. How their father and I always made them our first priority. Hopefully they can pass these things on to their children. My hubby never enjoyed anything more than playing with his kids!

Ok, enough rambling..................On to a good OP week!

Heavy Heart

Do you ever take in so much sadness that it just makes your heart heavy? A very close friend, and co-worker, has had a tragedy happen in their family. Her brother, who is in his fifties, had a motorcycle accident a week ago Saturday (today). It seems as though every day they are finding more and more wrong with him. Broken back, broken neck, foot, legs, etc. He was responsive until Thursday, now he doesn't know anyone and doesn't act like he's "there" anymore. The internal bleeding they thought was under control has started up again. He had to be put back on the ventilator. Now, he has a raging infection. We are all in West TN and this happened in East TN. A very long way from home. He's been in this hospital for a week and of course, its a major drain on their family. My friend was named by his legal documents as the one to make the medical decisions for him. Of course she's distraught, especially since he seems to be getting worse. I feel for their family and feel so helpless at the same time. Of course, we are all praying for a good outcome. They do know he's paralyzed and his life will be forever changed.

On to more sadness. One of my husband's co-workers/friends had a little boy with a degenerative muscle disease. He was going through "hippotherapy" (spelling?) (using the practice of riding horses to stimulate the body's muscles -- it really works). Well, the parents learned of a new treatment and was encouraged to take their son to Colorado for this treatment. Their hopes were so high for positive results. Sadly, the little boy had complications, aspirated during surgery, and died.

I just cannot explain the sadness I feel for these two families. Both having such different tragedies. Both suffering and in pain. The parents of the little boy who died have spent this child's entire life revolved around him and his condition and trying to get him to the next step. Where do they go from here? The brother of my friend will never walk again. Never live alone again. Will always be dependent upon others. Its just a lot of sadness.

Of course, it made me take stock in my own life and realize just how blessed I am to have the healthy family that I have. It makes me realize life is special and yet so fragile. Our lives can change in an instant. I have two beautiful, healthy, grown children and thank God for them. I get stressed over my weight loss or stressed over my youngest son's latest injury, but we are so blessed and should be shouting it to the world. Never take for granted you have tomorrow. Tell those you love how you feel TODAY! Never miss that ballgame or band competition thinking you will go to the next one. You may not get to. Never rush to get anywhere, because wouldn't you rather be a little late than a little dead?

We are precious. We are fragile. We are blessed. Thank you God for giving me this day, this life!

I need routine!

Okay, I will say it, I am looking forward to getting back to work. I am really in the need for my old routine to be back. I do so much better. I go back to work next Monday. School doesn't start for two weeks after that, but I always have to go in before teachers or students. Anyway, I am looking forward to it in a way. This summer, however, I have used my time off to get me some kind of exercise routine in place. I haven't exercised much in the last two days, but the youngest son (19) had an accident with a drill and had to have two of his fingers sewn back together. So, I have been the mom/nursemaid for the last two days. Have I said lately how much I enjoy grown children (at least until now! haha). I forgot how much work it is to take care of them night and day. Have them all grown up sure has spoiled me! But, I do miss my babies. I had fun with my kids and loved every minute of their lives. Well, except some of the teenager attitudes. I could live without those. I guess I will wait for grandchildren, and being only 43, I don't mind waiting for awhile! Not ready to be a granny! LOL

Anyway, back to my routine...............I need some structure back in my diet as well. I have NOT been doing like I should. I will go three or four days OP and then back off and on and off and on, and well you get the picture. I do NOT want to go off this program at all. I went shopping today for a couple new pairs of pants for work. I should've gotten the smaller size, but instead of opting for two sizes smaller than I was, I got the pants that were just one size smaller. I am not one who likes tight clothes. Mind you, they were not "air restrictive" tight, but too tight for me. I probably wish I would've bought the smaller size, but I guess its my need for that "crutch" that I still haven't shaken just yet. I need some structure. I need to get back to planning my meals. I need to make sure I take my lunches to school with me. It will be so much easier. I need to quit making excuses and just "shit or get off the pot" so to speak.


So, here I go again, recommitting myself. Yeah, I need to be committed! Ready to go to smaller sizes. I do like that I feel good most of the time now. I have so much energy that on the days I don't work out (these last two anyway) I am so antsy. All the laundry is done. All the dishes are done. Oh, there are closets to be cleaned, but I'm not that energized just yet!

Okay, so here is more mindless dribble about my weight loss! Enjoy!

PAULA DEEN'S - After 2 days of OP

Yep, that's right, couldn't help myself. She opened a new restaurant in Tunica, MS. I'm from Tennessee, not too far to drive.....we got a group of us girls (yea, girls.......!!)together and went to Paula Deen''s new restaurant. Now, if you know anything about her, first you know she does nothing "light" (actually she had some sugar free pies -- really -- I didn't eat any -- but she had them!) , secondly, everything there was on a grand scale. Her buffet is in Harrah's Casino in Tunica. Well, I was not disappointed and, today, I WAS NOT ON A DIET. But, I must confess, I can't eat like I used too.

There were four of us. Two of us were WWs, two weren't. Well, I ate half of what the non-WWs ate. It was nice to see that I actually cannot "gorge" myself anymore. I was miserable when I left there, but in a good way. I tried a little bit of everything, including her creme brulee' (spelling??). But, I have always been a person who would rather have the mashed potatoes than the desserts.. That's just me!

So, my critique, Ms. Deen. FABULOUS! MARVELOUS! But what was even better, I had control! I like that!

Re-Commitment - Day 2 OP

Okay, its day 2 and I feel pretty good! I didn't have a chance to eat much of breakfast, but had a subway for lunch. I love subway. Anyway, planning a healthy dinner. Bought two more cantaloupes. My family can't get enough when they are in season. Trying to "work" this "thang" and get back to losing!

I read a blog of a fellow "Weight Watcher" and he got me to thinking.....(thank you by the way, you know who you are) ....What am I hanging on to as my "fat crutch". This person mentioned doing a double knot in your shoe laces so you wouldn't have to re-tie in public. I do this too! So, today, before working out, I did NOT double knot my shoes. Woohoo! I know, I know, many people wouldn't think this was a big deal. Well it is. Buying clothes a little too big, another fat crutch for me. What if I gain weight? Well, too bad sister, cuz if you gain weight, you will have to go naked and my goodness, not a pretty sight! LOL So self-motivation right there! Another thing I consider a "fat crutch" is not joining in. Last year at the 4th of July picnic, my sister and I went for a short walk and I huffed and puffed and was miserable. This year, that same walk, or maybe a bit further and up a hill, was no big deal for me. Usually, thinking about how miserable i was last year, I would opt for watching the kids or helping with clean up or do anything other than walk with someone else for fear that all my huffing and puffing would blow them over. Not anymore! I felt great. Would've loved to have continued the walk, but didn't want to be too rude. We were guests, after all. Or, another crutch, that isn't necessary for me anymore, sitting a table instead of a booth. Now, I was still sitting at booths at my highest weight, but not very comfortably. Most of them were tight, and right under my boobs, but now....no problem, and I will be damned if I go back to that!!!

So, thanks, dear WW friend who got me thinking today. Its a scary thought, giving up our crutches and putting ourselves out there. Oh, there are many more crutches, these were the first to come to mind. I know first hand how weight rules your entire life. Everything revolves around it. Unfortunately, society is all about it too. But, I say let's get a revolt going. If we are all going to be so damned obsessed over food, may as well benefit us and we may as well get healthy in the process. Others have mentioned, as well as myself, that they get tired of counting, weighing, measuring..........yes, it gets really, really, old......................or we could let ourselves get out of control again, like we were before, obsessing over it for all the wrong reasons. I do like this way better.

Thanks again!!

Taking Control.........Again

So, here's where the honeymoon is over. I am struggling with staying OP just about every day. Getting sick last week only helped in my downward spiral (not downward in weight I can tell you!). The WW boards are truly an inspiration for me. People who don't know me but who are in the same "boat" offering advice and kind words to encourage me to keep going. Its really helpful.

This is what its been like my entire life. I have always been good at the beginning of every diet. Usually about 30 lbs in I give up. So, at least I have made it to 37 before getting this feeling. Usually its, "to hell with it, I'm tired of this, I'm eating what I want to dammit!" Even though I have been doing some of that for about a month now, I have managed not to go completely off my diet. So, when does my brain realize this isn't a diet? My body has already realized that to a point. I am more energetic and it won't let me lay around and be lazy as much. I'm just "antsy" now. Can't sit still. Yeah me!!

So, I'm doing a little soul searching right now. I do love the new energy. I do love the trying on all these clothes that I had given up on because they were so tight and uncomfortable. Now, most of the uncomfortable ones are too big. I actually like seeing me in a mirror. Now, I would still like to be seeing less, but its not as painful.

Still, its why????? Why? When you know how much better you feel, why do you go off your program (won't say diet)? When every time you do go off, your stomach plays hell with you, why do you do it? When you spend another week getting your stomach right again, why? Why do I think going back to my old habits is going to have different results? Well, the voices in my head are back and I'm not doing a very good job of answering them, am I? LOL

As a child of an alcoholic, I learned at a young age what "One Day At A Time" meant and it truly applies to my food addiction. I can also recite the serenity prayer, which I do daily. The visuals don't work for me. I have a picture of me in a white dress getting a hug from Randy White (Dallas Cowboys Defensive End from the 70s -- I think he was a defensive end) and it was one of my smaller days and pretty damned good day getting a hug from him! Anyway, I tried many, many times to use that as a visual. It doesn't work.

What also doesn't work is a defeatist attitude, so I'm kicking my own ass today and saying I am re-committing to my weight loss. I don't want to feel awful again. I don't want to be so tired I can't make it through a day of work. I don't want to hurt all over from carrying around another person. I don't want to go back to not fitting in chairs or booths or whatever. So, take my advice......Ask yourself all the questions I have, and then answer them, honestly. Remember, One Day At A Time applies to all of us......................Today, I am going to quit beating myself up and start applauding myself! Good luck to me!!! LOL

Sometimes you just get tired.....

Yep, that's right. You just get tired and in my case, sick and tired. I have been sick for nearly three days now. I have gained 5 lbs. Yes, five damned pounds! I haven't had enough to eat, so going over points isn't the problem. Its dehydration. I know this. I understand all the science behind why I would gain instead of lose when I have nothing in my body. My body is a "water" hoarder. If anything threatens my hydration levels, everything in me stops and says 'HOLD ALL THE WATER'. Now, when I get back to drinking water like I usually do and eating like I usually do, I know this will come off.............but when you are watching every damned ounce, when you are dieting, and when you try even when you are throwing your guts up to stay ON PROGRAM....well, it just gets frusrating! I realize that yesterday the only I had to eat was McDonald's french fries, and that this wasn't the best thing for me, but that one mishap with the french fries didn't cause five pounds.

What I am hoping is that my mindset is going to help me drag my ass out of this hole. That is if I ever start to feel better. I mean, this is a stomach virus, yet I hurt all over. My neck and shoulders hurt so bad I can hardly move. If I haven't said it, I HATE BEING SICK! Now, I realize there shouldn't be anyone out there that likes being sick, but there are those out there who do!! LOL

Here's another rant about absolutely nothing! Soon I will be back OP. Right now, I don't really want any food and have FAMILY plans for the 4th of July........guess I will rely heavily on the water and the watermelon!!!

CJ

Visit with the oldest son!

Well, I had a really good weekend. My oldest son came home. We finally celebrated father's day for the hubby. We had a really enjoyable weekend with my son and his wife. They seem to be doing really well. My son got funding for his master's, so we talked a lot about that. Its making their lives a little easier. Of course, I made all his favorites, which are my favorites too. We grilled burgers and hot dogs. I made my famous potato salad and baked beans. We had fresh corn from the farm. So all in all it was a good day. Not a good food day for me, but I knew it was coming and I was going to let myself eat the things I like. I pretty much used all my daily points along with the rest of the weeks points allowance too. But, yes, it was worth it.

Today, I am making up for it. I have had all my water. I have eaten lots of veggies. I made a fabulous turkey meatloaf, lima beans, broccoli, and more fresh corn. Also made some corn muffins. Lots of carbs, but it was good, home grown food. I definitely stayed within my points today though. Also, for dessert, fresh peaches, sugar free pound cake, and sugar free cool whip.

I knew I had to exercise today and really didn't feel like it. Had the headache from hell most of the day. But I took two Aleve and decided to exercise anyway. After getting the corn muffins on to cook, I did the Leslie Sansone WATP 1-mile video. Just enough time to cook the muffins. So, I got the other veggies on and put in the turkey meatloaf and .............for some reason.....I though, why not exercise some more.....so I did the WATP 2-mile video. I earned 5 APs for the day. I don't usually do that ever!! I am very proud of myself at this point. I know I have to make exercise a routine in my life. I also know, I feel so much better after I do it. And....the sex life is definitely getting better........so that's a major NSV!!! woohoo!!! Hubby better start exercising or he won't be able to keep up! LOL Guess I will just have to start without him!

These are the thoughts of the day from CJ!

Thoughts for the day

Okay, I go on the WW boards everyday and give my thoughts, so I thought I would come here and do the same. Someone brought up the topic of being black or white and not having any gray areas. Meaning, she was either on program or off it. She either exercised or she didn't, etc. This was so me in my past attempts. I was the person who did everything perfect, worked out, journaled everything, never strayed..................................until I actually DID stray and then everything was blown to hell.

I lost almost all of this weight once before. I didn't reach that magical number. I didn't reach that magical size. Mostly, I didn't see a difference in the mirror. I still saw the same fat person I had always been. I know I have a problem with that and realizing that has been extremely hard. People now tell me I've lost weight and I don't SEE. I feel it everyday in the way I move and in my clothes. I just don't see it. I'm not sure why? Maybe the same way an anorexic person thinks they are still fat when they are mere skeletons. I don't know. Its an ongoing problem for me.

I feel myself changing, little by little. I felt terrible last night and I knew it was because I hadn't worked out yesterday. SO, at 9:00 p.m. the DH and I decided we needed to get up and move, so we headed out in the neighborhood and did about a mile. Granted it wasn't much, but it got the both of us off the couch and moving. This is totally out of the norm for both of us. It made us both feel better. So, why am I dreading working out this morning? I know that I will, but I have put way too much thought in to not wanting to work out. That's just my little brain at work trying to sabotage my efforts. Does anybody else have any self-sabotaging problems? It gets rough sometimes, trying to lose weight and deal with those inner demons trying to keep you from losing weight!.. We must FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT AND GET RID OF THE VOICES IN OUR HEADS! Okay, now you all obviously know that I'm crazy, but who cares! A little bit of crazy never hurt no one!! LOL

My short term goal is to lose 50 lbs. I am at 35 or 36 (wow I'm note sure) right now. Carlos had given me the suggestion of buying new shoes upon obtaining this goal, however, I had just bought a new pair of sneaks for walking. Sorry, but will have to buy something else! Or I could buy another pair of shoes. That's the only thing I have on my person that has never changed in size all of these years and all of these pounds!! I love shoe shopping!

So, these are my ramblings for the day. Just needed somewhere for these thoughts to go~

What a nice surprise .................

Okay, been on the WW site a lot today. Been really motivated. Been working hard on doing some housework, even though I think all of my little projects are only messing up the place......I've had a pretty good day. Went to eat Mexican food with my youngest son. That was nice. He even talked to me and didn't text during dinner! What an accomplishment............THEN........

I walked in to my walk in closet and saw the dress I wore to Easter services with my in-laws. Hmmm......I think I will try it on. It was tight and uncomfortable and I hated the way I looked in it! Well, its very loose now and I love it! This trying on old stuff is pretty neat.................SO, let's try on the dress I wore to my son's wedding nearly two years ago....I was so uncomfortable that day. The camisole and the skirt fit then, but the jacket was way too tight and didn't meet in the middle like it should have. I had it made and somehow the seamstress got the measurements off on the jacket. No time to do it over.......SO, if you look at my picture on the right you will see that I was uncomfortable and upset about the jacket. Not a good day (well it was for my son -- just not a good clothes day for the "fat at heart" LOL). SO, I tried on this outfit tonight. WHAT A WONDERFUL SURPRISE! I need to do this more often. I have lost 36 pounds now. My weight loss has slowed down a bit, but this was just what I needed to get my big butt in gear! The camisole was WAY too loose. The skirt was falling off of me. AND.........The jacket was now a perfect fit and meets in the middle. Can we do the wedding over? I think I could get through it without being miserable...LOL I have to laugh because that was a very trying day and when you are fat, these types of events are ALWAYS unbearable. Now matter how much you smile, now matter how much you fake it, on the inside -------its awful. I had my first Xanax that day! I needed it. I have a bit of "social anxiety" anyway, so it definitely helped!

So, there you go. When in doubt, go try on your old clothes. I knew my t-shirts and jeans were getting looser. I knew my work clothes were getting looser. But trying on things you haven't worn in months or even years........................I am telling you, it really really helps!

So, go ahead---------go to your closet.....Try something on that you used to wear! It will make a difference in your attitude!!!

More Energy

Okay, I have to admit it, the more you exercise, the more energy you get. Now, when I was getting home from work and dead tired, you couldn't convince me that if I would just get my fat ass up off the couch and workout, I would feel better. Like I have said before, this weight loss has been easier, mainly because I am doing it for myself and because all of those years I spent trying to lose weight in the middle of raising children, working, running between band practice, baseball games, and football games, well the diet was always the first casualty. So, now that both of my sons are grown (24 and 19) and one of them is out of the house, I am finding a diet much easier to follow. Of course, Weight Watchers doesn't want you think of their program as a diet, it is. However, it is the most practical of any diet. It allows you to eat real food while teaching you that moderating is the key.

As I have said before, I work for a school and we are out for the summer (My mind automatically goes to the old Alice Cooper Song "School's Out For Summer -- I realize this dates my terribly, but I was very young when this song was out -- REALLY).. Since we are out for summer, the dieting has been a little easier. Just wish my summer break was longer! LOL I have been cooking a lot (hubby loves that) and have been exercising a lot. A lot for me any way. I walked two miles last Monday and did the Walk Away The Pounds video Wednesday and Thursday. Well, I was busy on Friday and lazy on Saturday so I didn't work out. So, today, after not eating as well as I should....I did at least do the 3 mile workout video. I do like the way the exercising makes you feel. Now, secretly, I am one of those who would love to go to a gym. Will I ever? Probably not. But I will never say never!

As a kid, my father was in the military and we lived on/near a military base so all of the gyms, pools, outdoor activities were always there for us to use. Boy I miss that. Not the military, just having everything available at no cost! But, we always used to be at the gym (Dad was a basketball coach), or at a pool, or riding horses....etc. Again, I miss all of that. The gym had a weight room and was always at our disposal. Wish I had that now. Of course, right now, I am too fat to go to the gym. Yes, I realize that is an "oxymoron", but hey, I can't help it. I mean, how embarrassing is it when you can only do about 10 minutes on the treadmill and you have no clue how to use any of the weight machines.............Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated in that area. Doesn't mean I will be doing that in the near future, but knowing what to do if I ever decided to go would be helpful.

Okay, now that I have ranted..........just wanted to say thanks for reading!

Two More Miles

Well, this is the second time this week I have walked two miles. Now, to most people, that doesn't seem like a lot. To me, its totally amazing I can walk that far. When I started all of this in February, I could barely walk to the mail box..........................and the mailbox is very close to the front door! LOL

When I started in February I bought a Leslie Sansone "Walk Away the Pounds" video. The "Get Up and Get Started" section is the one mile walk and it takes about 20 minutes. I got through it. BUT, boy it was not easy. I hurt so bad after doing it, and of course, eventually stopped doing it. Well, having lost 34 lbs now, and moving a lot more, I decided to start walking again. Well, on Monday morning the hubby and I went out for a walk. We walked 2 miles. I was quite proud of myself...........and completely SHOCKED. So, today, I decided to do the 2 mile section of the "Walk Away the Pounds" video. I did it. It wasn't hard. I enjoyed it. Now, of course, spending the last three weeks working with 40 five year olds prepared me somewhat. Plus, I have been doing a lot more walking at work.......so needless to say....I am thrilled!

So, maybe this exercise stuff isn't so bad. Guess I best not get ahead of myself though! Let's see if I keep it up!

CJ

Father's Day

Well, today is Father's Day. My hubby, the love of my life and father of my two beautiful sons, is watching TV through his eyelids as we speak. I remember those days when my Dad watched TV through his eyelids. My sisters and I would think he was asleep so we would go change the channel from football or basketball or golf. It always amazed us that by doing so, that was the switch that woke him up!! Now it seems funny, back then, not so much!

My father and I don't speak much, but it doesn't keep me from having fond, childhood memories of him. He never seemed to want to be a part of our lives and when we (the children) quit making the effort, he seemed to just go away. He comes in to town every now and again, but never without another reason. The last time, a basketball tournament. I realized a long time ago that he wasn't capable of unconditional love and that for me, it was easier to love him from a distance. I will always love the man, and again have fond memories, but needing him in my everyday life isn't a necessity.

Lucky for me, I found a man who knows what being a real father is. I have two sons. One of which I am certain realizes the sacrifices that his father has made time and time again over the years. The other, I am not so sure. He has more of the attitude that now that he's educated, his Dad's (and his mom's) belief systems are antiquated and/or outdated. He made a statement one time that he couldn't believe that we were his parents, mainly because we don't see things the way he sees them, whether that's religion, politics, or just life in general. Its hard to swallow sometimes, but we are proud of our son. He has worked hard all of his life and is still working hard to get his master's. He has always been one of those who thought for himself, or thinks that anyway. He really doesn't see that he is more like a chameleon and takes on the beliefs of those he is around. Sad really. He is my oldest son. My youngest son, though going through some rebellious behavior, is a bit more settled in his thinking. Now if I could only get him to have the drive and determination that his father and his brother have....that's the hard part! LOL

These are just some of my thoughts this Father's Day. Not so much about weight today! Thought I would take the day off!!

CJ

Lucky

So, I weighed in this past Sunday. I only gained .2. Now, I have been off my diet/program for nearly three weeks. Well, let me say, I haven't been going to the meetings or to weigh-ins. I was for the most part, following some kind of diet, but wasn't writing things down or really tracking a thing. How I managed to only gain .2 is beyond me. I guess it was a mercy WI because I certainly didn't deserve it.

My temporary/summer program is almost over. WHEW. Thought I would never make it. I am no sure why I did this. Yes, I am! The money..........DUH! One and half more days. Hopefully this time next year, I will be on the white, sandy beaches of Orange Beach, AL vacating with the FAM! My sister already wants to reserve our condos....She is down there right now and already planning for next year! What a Sis! My husband really doesn't like doing this.......but the one bright spot for him is the fact that he has a high school buddy down there that takes him out fishing (at night) and he really does have fun doing that! I, truly enjoy the early morning walks on the beach with the hubby. We were there last year for a full week. I was so out of shape and out of breath and out of "it", that I think I ruined the vacation a little for him. I am determined that next year, I don't ruin it for him or for me. I am already down 35 pounds. Its not unreasonable to think I could be down 75 or better by then, is it? Well, If I don't get back OP, it won't happen. I haven't totally quit yet, so I'm giving my self a little credit for that.

Thanks for the supportive emails.....Still don't have that many people commenting on the blog, but that's ok!~(Thanks for the comments CARLOS and NEW CRYSTAL) Just email me now and again and give me some thoughts or just "tell it like it is!"

So, that's what's up with me. I AM going to WI in this Sunday. I AM sticking to this diet. I AM going to lose this weight. I like have little goals. Seems more attainable that way. My next goal is 50 lbs. Just 16 lbs. away. When I lost my 10%, I bought myself an iPod. Any ideas what to do for the 50 lb mark? What are some things, non-food related, that you do?

THANKS

CAROLYN

SOMETIMES I WONDER

Well, I wonder a lot, but mostly I wonder why I like food so much? Well, I am from the South. That doesn't help! Fried and lots of butter.........the only two food groups we know. Not really, actually, my mother has always been a good cook. I was raised on veggies from the garden, lots of them, but they all had some kind of meat or grease or whatever cooked in them. My main problem is junk food. I am a junkie for sure. When the stress hits, I want chips and dip and want to sit in the living room and eat them mindlessly.

I have done really well. Lost over 30 lbs now. Well maybe not. I haven't WI in over two weeks. I know I have gained and haven't mustered up the courage to go WI. What kind of coward am I? Afraid of a little scale. I was a military wife who was left in Japan while husband was out to sea with a one year old and I was the ripe old age of 20. I have handled a lot in my life. Two teenage sons comes to mind first. I made it through that. I made it through my husband being in Iraq for a year and a half (most importantly, he made through being in Iraq a year and half and having his convoy come under attack and taking shrapnel to the face) Though these are only a few things, my life is good. I am a smart woman, with beautiful children, a wonderful husband. Why can't I conquer this "food thing"???? I just don't get it. Why am I afraid to WI? Failure. We are all afraid of it I guess. I have tried to teach my children that failure molds you. Makes you a better person. If you have never failed, you must have never tried. SO, I am not going to quit trying. I may continually fail, but I will never quit trying. I can't. I feel too good. I want this to continue.............................so why am I wanting chips and a coke right NOW???? I hate it. I feel like some druggie wanting a fix or something!!!!!!!!

In the South all our lives everything revolves around food. I'm sure this is not limited to the South, however. My family gets together and everyone wants their favorite dish cooked by their favorite relative. Christmas, Marriages, Births, Summer Vacation, Funerals, Family Reunions, you name it. ...............we eat. In the town I'm from........................which to many people would be considered a small town..........but not really small - we do have five high schools....anyway, the only thing to do here is go out to eat. Its not for nutritional purposes.......its for recreational purposes. OMG.....its really annoying!

So, these are my rants today.

FRESH START - DAY 1

Okay, here we go! Today was my first day back OP, really. I did go over my daily points, but have weeklys to use. Its been a rough day, and I have really wanted to head to the fridge. I have my audit tomorrow and this is really a stressful time.

I will be glad when I get some time off. WHY did I take on this extra, temporary summer job. Yes, its only temporary, but it took an extra two and half weeks of my summer away. Yes, there will be extra money, but I think I really needed the time off more. Oh well. Such is life. Have a week and half left (a little more). Of course the boss does her best to make life miserable for everyone. All last week she decided to stress me out about my audit. She and I made the agreement that I would do this summer program and that one and half weeks I would be pulling double duty. She agreed to it. All last week she decides to keep reminding me that I am still supposed to be (basically) doing her job.

Okay, these are my ramblings for the day. Guess that's why I started this blog, huh? Haven't given many people this blog address. A couple of friends, but they never respond! Respond already! LOL Thanks to the new friends who have responded. I appreciate it!

We are all in this together. Weight loss is the hardest thing I have ever done. Its easy to eat like a pig and watch the weight come on! Its not so easy to eat sensibly and watch it slowly come off. But, that's what I am doing. Slowly but surely.

WHY WHY WHY

Ok, ever since reaching my 10%, I have so not being sticking OP. I really don't know why. I start out each day doing what is necessary but by the end of the day, I screw it up somehow! I don't want to start gaining this back. I sooooooooo want to get back to it, but the little demons in my head have taken over and I need to exorcise them out! LOL

I am getting ready to go to the Farmer's Market here so I can get some fresh veggies and try and get back to what I need to be doing. I didn't go to WI this week and really need to go tomorrow, but I won't. I have been working two jobs for the past week and won't have a day off until tomorrow, so I know me...........I won't go! However, I still have days throughout the week to go and plan to. The weight watchers office is on the side of town that my job(s) are and I WILL go after work one day this week. I can make a million and one excuses.....but gain or no gain, I will WI this week.

I am feeling so good, I don't want to screw this up. I don't feel like I normally do, so I do think there is hope. I feel more passionate about getting back OP than I do just stopping....which is totally out of the norm for me. My last post I said something seems different and even though I have had about two weeks of not sticking to the program, I don't feel like I want to throw in the towel and start binging on everything in sight!

I like that I am down almost two sizes already. I like that my sex life has picked up again and that I am the one who has the stamina and higher sex drive for a change. Hubby is liking it pretty much too!! LOL I like that I actually have the energy to work the two jobs I am working (one is temporary but won't end until June 14th).

So, my plan is to start fresh AGAIN this week. Truthfully, don't we all start fresh everyday? I am hoping to make some meals this weekend so I can have lunches throughout the week because I am unable to go out to lunch everyday. This is a stressful week for me as I have my audit on Tuesday and I don't want to turn to my old habits and eat my way through it!

Okay, these are my thoughts and feelings today. Tomorrow? WHO KNOWS!

10%

Okay, so I reached my 10% goal today. WOOHOO! I really didn't think I would ever get here, yet when I look back, it seems like its been easier than I remembered. I have lost weight before, though its always been a struggle. It is a struggle this time, but it does seem to be easier. Is it because I am doing anything different? I don't think so. Maybe its because have less going on in my life now. More than likely. The kids are grown. One still at home, but not really at home!! So, its me and the hubby. I can fix, most of the time, the things I want and need to eat and its so much easier than it was when the kids were growing up. As a mom, you are always wanted to teach your children to eat healthy. Well, I did and I didn't. I wasn't a good example, but they were fed well. Neither of them has a weight problem. They both went through their "chunky" pre-pubescent stages, and grew out of that to be two healthy, tall, and basically slender young men. I am very proud.

Now back to me! LOL Now when I get home and am stressed out, I try to make healthier choices. No longer am I running from one ballgame to the next or one band competition to the next. I do miss those things immensely, but am reflecting on a life of no time and lots of stress and realize, the place I am right now is a pretty great place to be. So, that's why the decision to focus on myself. Mom's are usually the worst about that and I ranked right up there as one of the worst. Drive thru's and junk food were our staples at times. I realize now (and probably did then) that it wasn't healthy for me or my family.

Trying to eat healthy and stay OP is a daily struggle, yet again, seems to be getting easier. I hope this continues. My oldest son is doing things "healthy" in spite of his mother! The youngest just has a 19 year old metabolism and hopefully will start eating better before that changes. I had one of those once. It caught up with me!

So, there are my reflections of why the weight loss seems to be different, at least for now. I am so proud of my 10% I headed out to buy myself and iPod! A NON-FOOD reward! What a change for me!!

OP for three days! WOOHOO

So, I have been on program for three days after having a disastrous four day binge. I say binge, but I didn't go crazy. Just ate what I wanted and didn't count it. I still ate better than I usually do so maybe there is a small NSV in there somewhere!!

Today, I had pizza for dinner and still have points left and that is going high on the point count. I feel so much better and hope I can continue this. Lots of people are seeing a difference. It always has taken about the 30 lb. mark for people to see a difference. Of course, its not people saying anything that matters to me, its the way I feel. I don't come home dog tired (well not AS tired) and I don't ache everywhere every minute of the day. Its getting better. Used to, by 9:00 p.m. I couldn't make it anymore. Now I can stay up with the best of them! But, usually in bed by 10 anyway! LOL. I am sleeping better too. I have had sleeping problems probably for over five years. I stopped sleeping at night when DH was in Iraq for a year and a half. Those were terrible times and I used food to cope A LOT!

So, feeling good right now. Have a very stressful audit to get through in about three weeks and am no where near ready for it. I have too much end of the school year things to accomplish, that I don't have time to get started on my work. Plus having work dumped on me from the boss never helps!

Just thought I would share!

Interesting Mother's Day Weekend

Well, my Mother's Day weekend started out pretty rough. Around noon on Friday, my DH, nor myself could reach our 19 year old son. He hadn't shown up for work, couldn't be reached by cellphone (which is glued to his ear most of the time) and wasn't at home. Well, DS has had health issues and back in January passed out behind the wheel of his truck. Needless to say, DH and I "went there" with our thoughts as to where he might be. For three hours we couldn't reach our son. My husband drove the streets of our town, I called the police and put out a welfare BOLO, and of course, began to pray.

Well, like I said, three hours later, I get a call from my oldest son (who lives about 90 miles away) and the youngest son had gone to his house to 'crash' and just get away. He was stressed and having anxiety issues. OMG---anxiety issues. REALLY? Anxiety is when your son is missing and you think he's lying somewhere in a ditch (literally was in a ditch when he passed out behind the wheel of his truck).

Needless to say, I handled it the way I always handle it. WITH FOOD. So today, I am back OP and ready to repair the damage I caused and get on with losing this weight. I still haven't reached my 10% AND it seems like that goal is so far off when its only about 4 lbs. But, its I have sabotaged myself too many times in the past few weeks.....its my own fault. I only have me to blame.

I really want this to stick. I am going to have to get out of my rut...eating the same old things and start getting some new, lower point ideas. I have a lot of points now, which gives me some flexibility, but know that won't always be the case. AT LEAST I HOPE IT WON'T ALWAYS BE THE CASE!

Had a great mother's day visit with my oldest son. (Youngest son still lives at home and was dealing with his "issues" - so we didn't have the best day as far as that was concerned). The DH and I got to talk to the oldest DS and he got to tell us about his projects going on with him. He is getting his Master's in medical anthropology and is doing some good work in the city he lives in. It was nice having a grown up conversation with my son. Not having that mother/son type talk. One where we could talk like friends. Of course the child was born smarter than I am, so he definitely loses me sometimes, but its nice to listen to. He really doesn't lose me, but I'm certainly no where near as smart as he is!

Exercise

Well, I started walking on the treadmill Saturday. Did 11 minutes (two of those jogging) and only did a half mile. I say only, but am thrilled, really! Sunday, I did 10 and half minutes and did a half mile. Sunday also did some strength training. Not a lot yet, but enough to have a few muscles screaming at me! LOL Well, today, came home after work, put dinner on, and headed for the treadmill. It took every ounce of energy I had to do 8:52 minutes and it was only .42 of a mile. I am sweating like crazy and feel like I have run a marathon. I guess you just have days like that. I am glad I did it, but wish I could've pushed myself to do more. I had to really push myself after about minute five as it was! I have always wished I could be someone obsessed with exercise instead of food! Well, actually don't want to be obsessed with anything.

What are some exercise tips? I could use a ton of them!

NSV of sorts

Well, I've had a NSV of sorts. Yesterday, my boss from hell came back after being on a short little vacation that she basically stole from the company. She doesn't put in her time and thinks we are all stupid and believe her stories about calling "Her" boss to tell her she will be gone. Anyway, obviously this causes some kind of guilt on her part because every time she does this, she comes back in a bitchy mood and takes it out on everyone. Well, its either the guilt causing it or the booze, because she always goes on a drinking binge when she goes off for a few days. Anyway, her meltdowns usually send me heading to the fridge and I must say, it didn't this time. Maybe my mindset has changed. I sure hope so. I did decide not to go to work today. Not because of her idiotic, psychotic rantings, but because I coughed all night long and felt horrible. Well, around 1:30 I decided to go to the doctor and well, I have bronchitis, a sinus infection, and an ear infection in my right ear. Yeah. It sure was easy to stay within in points range today! LOL I felt too awful to eat much. I did have two taco bell crunchy tacos for lunch, but that's not much. I had soup for dinner and a WW giant fudge bar for dessert and that's all I have had. I haven't had any veggies or fruits much today, but I just don't feel like eating.

I put on a t-shirt today that I haven't worn since early last fall and it was skin tight back then, now it hangs off of me. That's just with 26 lbs. gone. It really makes me feel good to see that. I, unfortunately, am the opposite of anorexic. I still see me the same size. I lost most of this weight once before and that was a big problem with me. I still saw me as the same size I was when I started.........even though the clothes were way, way smaller, I didn't see me as any smaller. Go figure. That is something I am going to have to struggle with and make sure it doesn't derail me from my success.

Well, these are my thoughts for the day.

How do you handle sabotage? Whether its from your own mind or from other people???

BACK TO IT!

Okay, got back to staying OP and have lost another 4.4 lbs. for a total of 26 lbs. thus far. I have been sick this last two weeks and its been hard but I have been sticking to it, for the most part. This last week, I had strawberry cake, went to a local catfish place (I had broiled shrimp) and had a few hushpuppies, and even had a coke this week. Now, how did I lose? Well, this is what I THINK happened.

I cut back. I counted each point, for the most part, even when it was strawberry cake or hushpuppies. I made sure I got in more veggies. Its so much easier now that some of the homegrown stuff is coming to the stores. I kept a cut up cucumber next to me while I cooked so when I felt like munching, I grabbed them instead of something awful!!! I didn't get down on myself about eating something fattening, I just shuffled my meals up a little and made the others less fattening. Its a revelation for me, really. I usually beat myself up. I am my own worst enemy. I am taking this so much more "lightly" this time, yet I am being extremely serious with my eating habits. Let's pray I can keep up this attitude. I like it! LOL

For those of you who struggle with weight issues, I know how hard it is. Have been there, hell I am there, everyday of my life and I realize I will be "there" for the rest of my life. WHEN I shed ALL of these extra pounds..........it won't be over. This "DIET" thing, will hopefully have become a way of life. We need to remember that we can do what we want to, but its what we choose to do that makes a difference.

Stay positive!

Bad OP Day

Well, I had a bad OP day. Those of you with WW knows what OP is..........meaning I totally binged today and feel terrible. It didn't make me feel terrible physically, it just made me feel terrible emotionally. Funny thing is, I wasn't doing it out of stress. Don't know really why I did it, other than, I wanted to. Seriously, no stress (more than my stay-at-home college student's every soap opera life) just felt like it. I hate that I did it, honestly, but another weird thing is, I don't feel guilty about it because I KNOW this is not what I am going back to. I will get back OP tomorrow, get over this hump, and get on with my life. In the everyday scheme of things, this will not derail me for life, if I choose not to let it, right? Right! So, making a little pact with myself to start tomorrow a brand new day........get this out of my system and move on. The hardest part would be that I'm supposed to WI on Sunday. We will see what tomorrow brings. Sunday may get postponed to Monday or Tuesday.........but I won't skip WI this week if I can help it! LOL I am NOT going back to the way things were. I am NOT going to put back on those 21 lbs. I am NOT going to let this take over my whole life again! WHEW! Feel better.

Now, anyone have any ideas about how to stay OP on a major junk binge? Let me know. Any advice is welcome!

Back to the real world now!

Frustrating Day

Well, TCAP is about to start (standardized testing) for students at the school I work at. So, I am always put in charge and I hate that, but I know it will be done right......even though many others have their hands in it. That was stressful enough. ............................ Then, had a big "conversation" with my youngest son. He doesn't like the college (university) he is going to. He says he's miserable. He is going on a football scholarship and no longer thinks football is worth being there where he's miserable. This is a kid who a year ago was eat, drink , sleep football. I truly believe its girls on his mind causing the change. But hey, I'm the mom, what do I know? Right? So, I really, really, feel stressed about this. I have found he doesn't have the drive he used to have, whether that's football, school work, or anything at all for that matter. Its getting frustrating dealing with him. He lives at home and goes to a university here where I live. He just doesn't get that this was probably a once in a lifetime chance for him. He has a lot of talent, but does not believe in himself. He, unfortunately, has had some health issues this semester and it has affected his grades, so no academic scholarships after this year. He had a full ride. Oh well. Its hard, as a mom not to want to shake him. I don't want him to be miserable though. What do I do? Well, I just support him in any way I can. That's what I am here for.....However, with his health issues going on he will have to stay in school because he certainly can't afford to live on the little part-time job he has and no insurance. Whew, I have really rambled....But, that's what I made this blog for. For me to ramble instead of eat. This would've usually pushed me over the edge and I would've headed for the grocery store by now to get chips and cokes to drink! Those are two of my many weaknesses!

Of course, my oldest son went through something similar his freshmen year in college and he's still struggling to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up! The youngest son says now that he doesn't have football in his life, he doesn't know what he wants to do with the rest of his life. The football option hasn't been taken off the table. I just don't think he wants to do the hard work it takes for him to get where he needs to be (once he is released from the doctor).

Ok, none of you probably know what I am talking about, but DS#2 has been passing out and though I am not in the medical profession, I believe he's been having anxiety attacks. He HAD a history with a heart condition that was corrected, but the docs, before they will release him to play again, have to make sure this isn't heart related.....AND OF COURSE I UNDERSTAND THAT!

Okay, just needed to vent for awhile. I feel much better and I haven't headed for the fridge. I did fairly decent on my points today. Did go into my WPAs, but only a few. I still have plenty left. The one thing I didn't do was exercise. Still sore from yesterday and all I did was walk on the treadmill. (I think the soreness is from working in the yard the day before!)

My challenge is still to try and get some exercise in everyday! Maybe tomorrow!

HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

Well, I am down another 3 lbs. Not sure how this happened, but I will take it. I had the munchies all this week, however, I did stay within my points. I seem to being using all of my weekly points the last few weeks. I think what has helped the most is the fact that I have cooked a lot at home and made it a point, before I snacked, to make sure I had all my veggies and fruits in. I think that is really key sometimes. I am also becoming very aware of my emotional eating. Today, went to Red Lobster with son and had already decided I was going to eat anything I wanted. Well, turns out I wanted grilled shrimp, broccoli, and salad. I just didn't have the heart to go off program. THIS IS A MAJOR CHANGE IN MY LIFE! Usually, by now I would have had a binged with potato chips and cokes!

Now, for anyone out there who thinks this will never happen to them........I am with you, but again, for some reason, things seem to happening differently this time. I am more aware, of everything. I have many reasons for past failures and not many reasons for any successes I may have made along the way.

Now, the big challenge is to get my big butt up and moving. I am not much of an exerciser, so I am having to start out slow and easy. I get frustrated and bored easily with exercise, so I tend to quit.

WHAT ARE YOUR EXERCISE CHALLENGES AND HOW HAVE YOU OVERCOME THEM?

Let me know!

A NEW BEGINNING

Well, I've created this post, hoping it will help with the weight loss journey I have decided to embark upon. We will see, right? I guess it was my son who put this little notion in my head, as he has just started his own blog. Of course, he's more interesting than I am......................he has a lot more going on than I do. If you are interested in anthropology, forensic, cultural, medical, his blog is www.embracingmynerdiness.blogspot.com. He is the one who got me interested in The Great Sunflower Project that you will see on my Things of Interest. Check it out.

I started weight watchers eight weeks ago and have lost 18.6 lbs. I have many, many more to go and decided I needed to monitor my successes and failures along the way. I really feel different this time as I begin my journey. I pray this feeling continues!!

I am your typical weight story. Have been heavy most of my 43 years. The gaining began in high school and never stopped. I gained and lost with both of my children and then gained again! I have been married for over 25 years now and have a supportive husband. I think he's tired of the weight loss journey, but he will just have to jump on the wagon this time, because this one is a long trip that will never be over. I was heavy when we married and have endured being the fat wife and fat mom. I am ready to just be the normal wife/mom that blends into the background.

I am realizing that this is a lifetime journey, not one that will take to a magical number and then I get off the ride. I am on the ride forever.