Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008 Reflections

I guess I will jump on the bandwagon and write about the year "2008". As I sit here thinking, I am feeling like it was a pretty great year. We made it through another year. I am healthy, my family is healthy, what more could ask for? Nothing. Oh we could ask to win the lottery, but really its not necessary. Would it be nice? Well sure!!! Of course, there is one catch to that..."You gotta buy the damned ticket first!" LOL

The year started out kind of rough. My son was going through a rough time physically and emotionally. My youngest started out the year passing out behind the wheel of his truck, having a wreck, and taken to the hospital in an ambulance. After many, many, many tests, nothing was found. He has a history of a heart problem that was corrected when he was 13 (he is now 20), but the tests for that recurring were negative. All tests were negative. We should've been happy, right? Well not knowing drove me crazy. He had another passing out spell at college, sending him to the ER again. More tests, more doctors, but not any more answers. He has been through many tests this year and the only thing they ever came up with was anxiety. He seems to be fine now. During the summer, this same son (I have two = one is 25 and the youngest is 20) had an accident with an auger bit and nearly shredded his first finger right off on his right hand. The doc at the ER was amazing and did some amazing sewing to get that finger back where it needed to be. He has full use of the finger and just some scars and some nerve pain are his constantly reminders. He was so lucky, or blessed, that it wasn't worse. He, obviously, is my accident prone child. After having horrible semester due to all the health problems, he didn't go back this year. He plans to start back up this next semester. My oldest son, was accepted into a master's program that basically he is forming himself. He also got funding for his master's program, which was a major biggie. He's been under some major stress with his coursework and his work he has to do with the local Indian Museum. He's studying to be a Forensic Anthropologist and getting this funding and internship was a major "kudo" for him. He's a bone guy, so to speak. Because he went to college at UT where the "body-farm" is, he has exerpience and knowledge that some of his professors don't have, so he's already being asked to help teach some anthropology courses. Pretty cool. He and his wife are doing remarkably well, other than living next door to her parents. Its about to drive both of them crazy, and boy I understand that! But all in all, they are happy too! Just busy. His wife is a CPA and now that the year is ending, well we won't be seeing her until after April 15th! But, she is working!

So, due to the fact that my youngest, ever since her started football in high school, seems to be a regular at the ER, I have put my female health problems on the backburner. Well, they reared their ugly head and I had to have a hysterectomy in November, rounding out the year just fine!! Now, I realize this is just the tip of the iceburg and seems like a lot to go through, but hey, seems like a normal year to me! LOL We've been through better, we've been through worse.

I can't see anything but the good in my life, even when little crises tend to rear their ugly heads. How many people do you know who have a wonderful marriage after 26 years? I do and am so happy about it. My husband and I have stable jobs that are secure. We have money in the bank. We live the life we want to live. What could be better? Sure, we all wish things were different. I wish I had this weight off of me. I wish my son could figure out what he wants to do with his life so he could be happy too. I wish for all of those soldiers to come home without yet another casualty. I know this is cliche' and hoakie, but I wish health and happiness to all the people I know and love and to all my blogging friends as well!

My best advice? Don't sweat the small stuff, its all small stuff.....and savour the moment. Especially to those who have children. Don't turn around becasue before you know it, their grown! Don't miss that ballgame or band recital because you are too busy because that's something you can't get back..........(I didn't miss any but my husband had too for various reasons beyond his control and he wishes he could get those moments back). Hug your kids. Hug your wife/husband. They are what matters!!

Happy New Year!!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I've been dismissed!!!

Okay, so that's misleading, but have been to the doctor and have been medically released. We discussed the pains I have been having and feel like he just dismissed them without much thought. Even though, these pains are manageable, they are still bugging me! He explained them all away, which is good, but its frustrating to still be having pain. He said the pain could go on for 3-6 months. I realize the six week mark isn't a magically healing moment, just frustrated that one day I think I am back to normal and the next I feel like shit again. Of course, he said that is normal too. He thinks the fatigue will go on for a couple more months. He said all the right things, blah, blah, blah, but it didn't make me feel any less frustrated.. What was I wanting? I am not sure. I guess I was wanting the all masterful genius doctor to wave his magic wand and declare me "HEALED, YOU ARE HEALED!" That's not what happened!! Of course, he told me the obligatory if things get worse, yadda yadda yadda, just call back. We all know how easy it is to get in touch with our doctors, now don't we?

Well, as for being OP today, well, its been a great day. I even had starbucks. I hadn't used very many points throughout the day, so after stopping by to see the hubby at work, I stopped by Starbucks and got me a white chocolate mocha. One of my many weaknesses. Lucky for me, they closed the starbucks that is close to me!! I now have to go way out of my way to get it is a nice treat. Still have 4 pts. left for the day. Probably won't use them. I am sitting here on the heating pad, relaxing waiting for the Advil to kick in. I have no intentions of moving right now! I did work out this morning, so I don't have to feel too guilty for sitting back and doing nothing!

All in all, I guess I have had a great day. Stayed OP, got released from the doc, had dinner with the hubby, and now sitting and relaxing! Awwwhhhhhh! It feels good!

What have you done for yourself today?

Monday, December 29, 2008

First Day OP.......A little slip up!! (Already???)

Yeah, well, it was calling my name. It was taunting me. So I ate it. The leftover pumpkin cheesecake. Yep, I ate it. I counted....YES I COUNTED IT, but really? Using your WPAs on the firs day? How warped is that?

I did eat good today though. I managed to get in all my healthy guidelines, etc. I managed to get in all the water. I also have a diet headache. Yeah, every time I start dieting again, I get the headache! This too shall pass. Now that I think of it, it may just be a caffeine headache. I don't think I have had any today. WOW. That's great.

Well, I must say my greatest accomplishment for today was throwing that damned cheesecake in the garbage. Well???? It made me mad that I gave in so quickly, so dammit IT HAD TO GO! Wish I had been that strong before I actually ate a piece, but hey, BABY STEPS....right?

I worked out a little today too. Waiting until I see the doctor tomorrow before doing anything major. Just some walking, but I did get the heart rate up a little, so hey, its gotta count!

Just wanted to share my first day OP and my very first clusterfuck/messup!

Sunday, December 28, 2008


I went to Weight Watchers today. I am so glad I did! I must say, though, that I was extremely disappointed with my weight. I have ended up instead of 14 lbs. like I thought, I had gained 21 lbs. That's a big damned difference! I am really pissed at myself! This last 7 lbs. I believe was just within the last week. Until this Christmas week full of goodies and stress, I was doing really well.
HOWEVER, it does leave me with a 22.8 net loss, which I am going to embrace!! Thirty pound net loss sounded soooooooooooooooo much better! Enough of that.

I need to sit down and "strategize" this next week and cook up some stuff for the next week (My first week back at work). My energy level is not up to pre-surgery levels, so this last week off I am going to do some light exercising. I have been walking all along, and hopefully, on Tuesday I will be released to do more.

I was a little frustrated at my WW meeting though. They do not have the new "Momentum Plan" information out yet, so I have all of the old stuff. Everything is "basically" the same, its just combined the two plans. You are still counting points, yet they are encouraging you to eat from the "filling foods" list, which is the old core plan. Not a big deal in my book.

I guess I need to get over my frustrations and just get on with it. I am proud of myself for just getting on with it and going back to WW. I do better when I go to meetings. I need some accountability. My sister is joining as well, and while she doesn't have near the weight to lose as I do, it will be nice to have someone to kind of by a buddy with. Just wish she lived closer so we could do the gym thing together. Think I might go if I had someone to go with me!

Okay, just wanted to let everyone know I finally BACK ON TRACK AND READY TO GO!

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Twenty six years!!!!

Yep, that's right! Today is my twenty sixth wedding anniversary!! Lucky for me I was only three when I got married! LOL Actually I was 18. But, its been an amazing ride. Lots of ups and downs, but happy to say more ups than downs. My DH was one of those "love at first sight" things that everybody says never lasts. Maybe not, but I would have to twenty six years is a good start, huh? LOL

My hubby and I got married in Memphis and two days later left for San Diego. Lived there a year and a half, moved back to Memphis, moved back to San Diego, moved to Japan, and settled in TN. OH, had a baby within all that moving. Had a another baby five years later. Survived each other, survived raising children with their little league, pee wee football, music lessons, soccer, high school band, high school football, college for both, some college football............through this we survived the DH going to war, his coming back a totally different person (his convoy being ambushed, him being wounded, bronze star w/valor), working through PTSD.................Some of these obstacles, good times and bad times, could've broken us up, lucky for me, I married the man who always put me first......always has my back........the man I loved best friend. We had an instant bond. We know what each other is thinking. When he was in Iraq, I could be distraught needing my husband and low and behold, he would call. We just have a connection. God sent me my soul mate. This much I know.......!

Okay, now I am done with the mushy stuff, and you know what? After 26 years of marriage, I am just now getting him trained!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL Think I would start all over from scratch. Now way in hell!

Friday, December 26, 2008


Whew, its over! Yep, Christmas has come and gone! The in-laws leave in the morning! Life as we know it will get back to "abby-normal"!!

So, having a house full of people is not my idea of fun! I am not the hostess with the mostest..not at all. Mainly because I worry myself sick making sure everything is prefect, when that is just not possible. I ended up cooking Christmas dinner for the most part by myself. Dinner was about done, when I finally had to say, "look I have to sit down awhile, somebody needs to finish this stuff." The hubby, father-in-law, and mother-in-law decided to come help THEN. Oh, the FIL did help out, after the slamming of the cabinet doors caught his attention. Tried not to get too bitchy, but it just slipped out~hehehe Ok, not trying to be a bitch BUT I told the hubby I didn't want to do all of this just 5 weeks after my hyster....did he listen? HELL NO.....

Ok, so I am headed to WW on Sunday (if its open Sunday -- if not have to find a different day). I am ready to get back to being a "loser". I want my energy back! So many of you amazing people have me motivated to get back at it! Thanks for that.


Thursday, December 25, 2008

......and to all a good night!

Well, Christmas is over. It is so exciting getting ready, shopping, stressing, running around like crazy........then its over. A little bit of a let down, but mostly a relief. The Christmas dinner (that the hubby and his mother were SUPPOSED to cook ---- I cooked) was excellent. Santa was good to everybody this year....way to good, as usual! The hubby is in bed, my in-laws are in bed, my oldest son and his wife are headed back to Memphis, my youngest is cleaning the kitchen!! All in all, its been a great day............and I am, of course, dealing with insomnia.

Since my surgery, insomnia is my friend!! Makes for a lot more blog posting, that's for sure. I really wore myself out today, did more than I should have, and though I am physically tired, I cannot fall asleep! You might think, too excited from the wonderful day? Nope. Just can't sleep. My insomnia isn't because I am over tired, over excited. I get this every now and again. My insomnia is because my brain won't shut off. That's right I think myself AWAKE! Who does that? Well, I do of course!

Any secret desires you are hoping will appear once the weight starts coming off? Other than sex, because everybody wants better sex!! RIGHT?
(PS - Guess while I am wishing, I wish I was one of those neurotic housekeepers too!! LOL)

So, now that all of the festivities are over, its time to get back to WW. I have my six weeks check up Tuesday and then the following week I go back to work. Not looking forward to it, yet I am looking forward to getting out of the house. EVEN THOUGH, I have quite enjoyed my time at home. I think the going back to work has me anxious. Part of the reason(s) I can't sleep I am sure. My thoughts are to go back to WW this coming Sunday. Why wait til the first of the year? Everybody else will be making resolutions to lose will be crowded. I will go ahead and join and get in their before the "rush" does. I am not making a resolution. I am just trying to change my life. I may have taken a detour these last few months, and yes you might say I had a "reason" why, but its not a reason. It's an excuse.

I refuse to go back up on weight or in size. I was beginning to like clothes again, but just a little. I was enjoying the being active, but just a little (LOL). I secretly want to be one of those gym rats, but just don't have the backbone for it. I can be very aggressive in my work life, my home life, and most aspects of my life (by aggressive I mean -- I do what needs to be done, don't take no shit, and demand respect) but when it comes to things in my life, like getting the courage to go to a gym, I'm a coward! Scared of my own shadow.......what will people think? So, that's the next thing to work on in my life, other than the ongoing lifestyle change.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

What makes people...............................................

act like f---ing idiots this time of year? Ok, all I had to do was grocery shop. Crazy ass drivers, crazy people in the grocery store, stupid people hired to check people out. I touched on this a few days ago, but now that its closer to Christmas I just wanted to say, "WHATA THE HELL CAUSES EVERBODY TO LOSE THEIR F---ING MINDS?"

MERRY CHRISTMAS ( I do really mean it)

Coming out of the clouds

Today I feel like I am beginning to come out of the clouds. I guess I have been in a cloud for a while now. Not just since having my hysterectomy, which believe me hasn't helped. Since I quit eating right and stopped going to weight watchers, I feel like I was this airplane flying through the clouds, and now, I feel like the clouds are thinning a bit and I am beginning to see where I am at, where I am going. Does that make sense? I am not sure. Its just what's in my head!

I remember thinking back in August when my falling off the wagon began. I felt terrible when I started that terrible fall. I can always feel right away when I haven't been eating right. I feel like I am in a fog, in a cloud. Well, maybe, just maybe my fog is lifting.

This has been brought to me in large part from my blogging friends. This six weeks off and my massive boredom has brought to this blogging community of wonderful people. Its given me the will to fight again. Something I felt like I had lost. I am slowly finding it again. There are so many amazing people out there in the same fight and I must say, I am in some amazing company. Yes, the season brings on depression in many people, usually for me even, but not this year. It has brought me a new hope. New friends. Definitely new inspirations. I was given the gift of time with this surgery and I feel like it has truly given back to me 10 fold.

I read back over my posts from earlier this month and earlier this year. Some were good, while others were not. How can I sit here and complain about being frustrated with boredom, when there are people out there praying for a day off.? How can I bitch and moan about the cold when there are others who have to sleep out in this stuff? How can I be frustrated with my healing process when I am doing amazingly well and there are so many others in the hospital today, fighting for their lives today, in pain, in chemo, fighting a fight I know nothing about? I am blessed. I am happy. I have an amazing family. Amazing friends. Amazing co-workers. An amazing job. So, today, I am coming out of the clouds, letting the fog lift and looking forward. Looking ahead at what life has in store and realizing I am in an amazing place right now.

Thanks for all the bloggers. You have really made me see the light through those clouds. I have truly enjoyed reading these blogs and seeing your thoughts and emotions written down for the world to see. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Baby It's Cold Outside!!!

Brrrrrr.........First let me say, normally I am hot natured person and welcome cooler weather. I said COOLER weather. I live in the south. I like the south. But our weather...........well sucks at times. Now now now...I realize a lot of you are dealing with snow storms and I certainly shouldn't complain knowing so many of you are getting your exercise via the daily shoveling of snow. HOWEVER..........I live in TN........It's only 12 degrees right now and BABY ITS COLD OUTSIDE! I love snow, as long as it snows long enough to close schools (I work at a school) and then melts quickly enough to give me the rest of the day to get out and do what I want!! LOL ..... IN WW TERMS....I want my cake and to eat it too!

I have learned I am just not a cold weather person. Part of it is I am just a baby....The other part is I am allergic to the cold. I think I am crazy. She's lost her freakin' mind! Well, no. It's the truth. My mom, my oldest son, and myself are all allergic to the cold. For instance, when staying outside for any amount of time in the cold (like football games! Love football), especially a cold rain or snow, I break out in blotches. My mom does this as well. If I drink something that's icey cold, my throat tickles and swells. My mother's swells to the point that she can no longer eat ice cream for fear her throat will close. My son has the tickle in his throat thing going on too. Me, if I am just cold and can't seem to get warm, I will itch all over, whether there is a rash there or not leaving me no choice but to take Benadryl. Its the only thing that works. Yes, we are quite the weird little family! My son, who not only is allergic to cold is allergic to water. Well, actually in places that have lots of chemicals in their water, or "hard" water, he itches and burns. Where he is living right now doesn't have hard water so he's good. He married someone who is allergic to peanuts and "legumes". Yep, if they ever have children, I fear they will have the "boy in the plastic bubble" child! I poke fun, but don't mean any disrespect for someone who is going through or has a child going through something like that.

So, I am waiting until it warms up into the 20's to go grocery shopping. Of course, TN is quite unpredictable. Today, highs of 20-30. Tomorrow in the 40's. Christmas day 60's. We worry more about tornadoes in the winter these days than we do about snow! One day 30, next day 70. Lots of tornadoes.

Just thought I would share my "cold" experience. Yes, as you are all shoveling snow, I am whining about 20 degrees. Sorry. That's my life! LOL

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Thoughts on my comeback!!

Okay, here I sit. Its Sunday morning............I have lots of thoughts running around in my head this morning. Couldn't sleep in, though I tried. Too freakin' cold to go outside and walk. (Its 25 degrees -- I am in the south ----too damned cold). So, I turn to my computer again.

So, yesterday, I sent my sister a text message that said, I am going back on WW, want to join with me (she lives in another city 2.5 hours away -- so we wouldn't be doing meetings together, just the program together). Anyway, I was sure she would say, I don't know we will see. When she said "sure", I said, ok, I am thinking about joining on the Sunday after Christmas. She said ok. Now, will she? I don't know. Will I? I am not sure (trying to be honest), but I am trying to plan for it anyway. The hubby works that day, why not, right? So, as I sit here, typing away, I am planning my comeback.

I have come to far to go back. I had lost 44 lbs. I cannot gain all of that back. I have gained 14 back but since my surgery, I have been stepping on the scale everyday and have tweaked my eating so I wouldn't gain, and I haven't. So, why can't I tweak my diet so I can lose? DUH!

I realize I am addicted to food. I realize no matter if I am dieting or not, food will always be an issue with me. So why not obsess over food by dieting, counting points, or whatever instead of going off on my latest binge? Oh, I'm not naive enough to think I won't have binges in the future. Nor am I naive enough to think I won't have setbacks and pitfalls along the way. I mean, we have them in our everyday lives, certainly we would have them with our diets.

So, here I go again! My problem is boredom. I get so tired of dieting. That's what happened this last time. I get tired of counting. I get tired of not going into a restaurant and just ordering, rather than looking at this, what's the points for this, or whatever. It's called discipline. I don't have much of it. All of these things I am going to work on. I mean "do what you always did, get what you always got", right?

So, sister or no sister, I am going to get back on the WW wagon. I realize that I need to blog to put my thoughts somewhere. I also realize that reading others blogs are extremely inspirational. Carlos and Tony, you are my weight loss heroes! Kelly, your writing and your words are inspirational. I only hope they help you as much as they help others! Thanks to all of my weight watchers and weight loss friends!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

My comeback in (slow) motion

Just thought I would tell you that I have started my comeback. Have not joined weight watchers again (I do have etools still though) but, I did get up this morning and did one of my WATP videos. It was just the one mile one......I could only do a half mile (I was doing up to five at my peak). My body wasn't ready just yet for more. I feel better. I am glad I did it. I am now sitting here writing this with an ice pack on my tummy, but I didn't do too much, just taking precautions. So, I feel like I am headed in the right direction and though I may be in "slow" motion, I guess I need to give myself some credit for having any motion.....RIGHT?

Today, I am grateful for my ability to get back up and do some bit of work out. I am grateful for all my blogging friends, because you are pushing me back in the right direction. Thank you so much. For that, I am truly grateful!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Just a short note...

I was looking at the date on my earlier post and Dec. 17th kept nagging at me throughout the day. Why did this date mean something to me?

I figured it out. Twenty four years ago today, I was a 20 year old woman on her way to Japan with my one year old son in tow to meet my husband who had been sent there six months earlier. How crazy was I? Youth gives us courage I guess. Don't know if I would do that now! LOL

Just wanted to share! Thanks!

On the road to recovery......

No, I am not a recovering addict or anything (well let me see, right now I am just an addict re: food but that's not what I am talking about)....................I am recovering from surgery. Its been long and dull and boring. I am amazed at how you can feel like the top of the world one day and crash the next. I wonder if that's what a real addict would feel like? Hmmm...interesting...??!!!!

Just like with dieting, I am having good days and bad days. Today, a real high energy day, for me anyway. More shopping and feeling great. Didn't crash like I have been lately.....Still get easily tired, but am starting to see that I am getting stronger. Who would've thought that this surgery would take all of my energy.

Of course, its amazing to me how people (including myself) think, "Oh, its just a hysterectomy, no big deal, up and at 'em after six weeks." Ok. I realize in today's society we don't think a hysterectomy is a big deal, and frankly I didn't think it was a big deal until it happened to me. I had natural child births and felt great after my kids were born. This was nothing like that. Of course, I had 12 weeks off back then. Now, I have a hysterectomy, have an organ cut out of my body, and I am off six weeks. Seems like there is something wrong with that picture. I don't think I will have a problem going back to work, don't get me wrong, and believe me, I am ready (not til Jan. 5th) on some levels.....! I remember my mom having a hysterectomy about 15 years ago and I don't remember her having any problems either. I am not having problems, I just don't understand these energy levels.

Its an amazing roller coaster this "healing" going on. I felt amazing the first two weeks after my hysterectomy. Walking in the neighborhood, feeling amazing. I don't feel that way anymore. Yes, I think I have done way too much, but I cannot sit for much longer without going crazy! I know I have said all of this before, its just in the forefront of my mind at this time. At least I'm not obsessing over food, but I am, I always do. From whatever extreme I am at the moment, food is always my vice. It does have control over my life. It always has had. It probably always will.

So here I sit at my computer.....trying not to think of my next twinge, pain, the next time exhaustion will hit. ....... But all the while............I am planning my comeback!

(I am grateful today for my energy level -- what are you grateful for today???)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

What I Noticed Today!

Okay, since being off, I have noticed many things......The first one being as much as I hate work, (and its not my job I hate, just the other trappings that go with it) I noticed that I am not a stay at home person. This four weeks has me bored to tears. I have read two books, been on the internet more than I ever cared to, and stared at these walls until I have driven myself crazy (oh and another thing I noticed is that these walls need painting!!)

So, as boredom sets in and the energy comes back (not fast enough though), I am venturing out to do Christmas shopping. I noticed that even though I have time to shop this year because I am not at work, I hate it just as much. I love giving, don't get me wrong, I just hate what it turns everybody in to. We turn in to hunters.............on the hunt for that perfect gift. Is there such a thing? I don't think so. My children are grown and I do miss Christmas morning with my babies. Right now, I am in that state of Christmas's not having as much hold on me as they used to. Maybe it is the lack of children around. Maybe its my cynical nature, who knows. I always get the blahs this time of year. I noticed that though my situations have changed, I don't guess I have.

OH, and I notice that out shopping, people aren't cheerful and happy, they are rude and obnoxious, pushy and hateful, whiney and BITCHY...........and that wasn't me! Oh, and stupid. I realize that these places hire whatever walks in the door for Christmas help, but come on, at least hire someone who can run a simple cash register. Its not that hard. It amazes me that this generation cannot count change. If the register doesn't tell them, they have no idea how much to give back.

While Christmas is the time of family, I find that the thought of all of them in my house is driving me nuts. But that's me, I am always like that. I love the get togethers as long as they are somewhere else other than my house!

Okay, now that I have vented I would like to say that I am normally a happy person. I realize that my posts as of late say otherwise, but I am a happy person. I have everything I ever wanted. I have beautiful children, a wonderful husband whom I still love very much, and yes, an amazing family. Unfortunately, the negative gets NOTICED more than the positive. I am going to try and start living my life on the positive instead of the negative. It makes for a happier person. I remember when my children were younger we did a "grateful" journal. It did make us a happier family. We made an attempt everyday to be grateful. Then I took it further and decided we had to do something nice for someone outside of our family at least once a week. Somewhere in the hectic schedules of band practice, football and baseball practice and games, work, work, and more work, we quit doing our grateful journal. I think that is something I should resurrect. So with that being said, I would just like to say, I am grateful for the life I have, the children I have, the husband I have, the friends and family I have and the many online friends I have through blogging and through Weight Watchers.!!!

Monday, December 15, 2008


Okay, as I sit here on medical leave due to my hysterectomy, I am totally getting frustrated. I came home from the hospital with all of this energy and felt pretty good for just having an organ cut out of me!~ I have a high tolerance of pain. I thought. Here I am, it will be four weeks tomorrow and the things I am not able to do are really getting on my nerves. I can do laundry as long as I don't change it over.....meaning I can load the washing machine and fold it and put it away. So, that's limited and while that doesn't hurt my feelings at all because I HATE DOING LAUNDRY, I am actually wishing I could do it.

I did go in to work Friday and today (Monday) for three hours each day. I had to write checks and do my monthly bank statement. No one else is able to do it as I am the only one allowed in my books except for the auditors. One of the auditors said she could come, but then wasn't able to, so yes, it fell back to me to do. Well, that was awful. I was worn out Friday and hurt like hell. It took Saturday and Sunday to get over it. Well, went again today as I said and well now I feel even worse. Here I sit with my back on the heating pad wondering if I should take some of the 'STRONG' meds from the hospital. Not many of those puppies left and I want to hang on to them for something really big!!! LOL

After reading Carlos's blog, I realize I am in a rut that only I can snap myself out of. But, then again, every year I get in to this rut at this time.....yes it has a lot to do with Christmas and all the pressures that it brings. Now, I realize I will almost be healed by the time Christmas comes, because you know, when they say six weeks recovery, when that six weeks point hits, BAM you are healed!!! Anyway, the in-laws are coming and while I do love them, their presence alone is enough to cause a relapse! They are good people, I am just NOT the company type. I worry myself into a frenzy. My husband is the "if the house isn't ready by be it" type person and well I am the "clean like crazy until they get here" type of person. So, if I don't do it...who will?

So, I am staging my comeback. I realize I should just jump on the bandwagon and get back to weight watchers right now, to hell with the big Christmas dinner and all the treats everyone seems to love to bring since I have had surgery..............but, I won't. I am waiting until its all over. I am waiting until the inlaws leave. I am putting off the weight loss..........again, but all the while, I promise I am staging a comeback!!! I have lost perspective of what matters and need to get that back before I can truly heal. Thanks to Carlos and to Kelly for making me realize what's important!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I changed

Well, I wrote one post about me changing my URL/Blog name....must have forgot to save it. Oh well, here it goes again.

I changed the name basically because this is the name I used with WW many years ago and honestly portraits me a little better. I have always felt trapped within myself. The inner me so desperately wanting to come out...the outer me always in control. No, I am not Sibyl, just one of the many people in the world who is fat on the outside - with a thin person dying to get out.

Having had two weeks at home recovering, I have had way too much time to think. Hence the name change. Having four more weeks to recover, lots more time to deal with the inner me and outer me struggles. I am rooting for the inner actually. She's the one who, after years and years of dieting, knows how to eat, knows nutrition, knows exercise, and knows this is the only way to fix what's wrong. The outer me, the demon in my life who is a control freak, is the one we have to fight!!

So, here's to letting the inner thin person inside me, out of this fat suit!!! Wish it were that easy. I know its not easy. I know its a struggle. I have already had the fun, or I wouldn't be this big. So, now its time for the struggles......................................Wish me luck!

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