What's wrong with this picture?

So, this working out thing seems to be sticking...........what's wrong with this picture? This is not me, I say! Not me at all!!!!! I didn't work out Monday or Tuesday, mainly because of cramps from hell....no HELL! Worked out twice yesterday......ME? Really? I am not seeing the same person in the mirror.........hmmmmm........is this good or bad? Not really sure, but I think I like it. I have never been one to like the person in the mirror.......maybe the winds of change have blown....or maybe I am just blowing sunshine up my own ass......either way, again I say.......I like it!

Well, Stopped by on a whim and weighed in last week and was up 6.4 lbs. Weighed in this past Sunday (just 4 days later) and I had lost 8 lbs. So, a net loss of 1.6. How in the hell did that happen? Lost the water weight from PMS/TOM I realize, but I am going to take it and celebrate it and hopefully this exercising will burn some more of my ass off. If I eat french fries any more this week, all the exercise in the world won't help!

Another senseless rambling I call.............................ME!

First Week Back

Okay, so this was my first week back at work. Been off for the summer. (Work for the school system). Whew, the week really went by fast and as usual I didn't seem to get a thing accomplished.......besides going to useless meetings and doing the principal's work. Nothing out of the norm!!!!

I worked out Monday, Wednesday, and Friday this week. What a difference. The norm for me would be Friday comes, I walk through the door after a BUSY week, and would collapse. Today, I came home, changed out the dog water (five dogs -- baby pool is their water bowl!!), rode the 4-wheeler in the backyard, went out to eat on the other side of town (usually a big fat NO because i would be too tired)........So, all in all, I would say this has been a great week. Next week, here I come.

I know we ALL HATE EXERCISE!!! But I highly recommend it. I feel wonderful. Hopefully this Sunday will show a loss, if not, I don't care. I feel great!! See ya!

It doesn't pay!!

w. Well, it doesn't pay to stay off program. I gained 6.4 lbs. this week. Now, let me explain. I have to explain it, of course. I know why I gained. I kept snacking. I had french fries this week. That never helps. Mainly there are three reasons why I gained that much. 1) I didn't do well staying on program, 2) I am PMSing big time and my ankles are swollen to twice their size, and 3) I had just eaten a big dinner. Why did I weigh in then? Well, I needed to step up to the plate (no pun intended) and go ahead and WI. I knew it would be bad. Actually I thought it would be more like 10 lbs, so really its good. I have worked out Three times this week (Sun,Mon,Wed). I started back to work on Monday and I find that if I go ahead and get up at 5 a.m. and workout, I feel much better during the day. So, going to try and make that a habit. So, I am not feeling down or upset with myself or ready to just say forget it and eat everything in the house. I am going to try that much harder to stick to this. I like wearing smaller sizes. Just one or two sizes right now, but they are getting loose too. The most frustrating thing that happened at WI was there was a grumpy old man weighing me in and he was rude and had no sense of humor. I hate weighing in when he is there. I need to get back to my Sunday meetings.

My youngest son (19) got his stitches out today from the "drill" accident. He got two of his fingers chewed up by an auger bit. 23 stitches and a quite a lot of pain. Poor kid. He doesn't have the luck, that's for sure. He will be fine though. He is going to sit out this semester instead of going to college. I am afraid he will like that too much and just quit, but I'm praying that he won't. He's a good kid and doesn't realize how smart he is. He's a little lazy when it comes to bookwork, but he is so smart.

My oldest son is going through some depression and I feel helpless to help him. He has talked to a doctor and doing all the right things, he is just not where he wants to be in life and that worries me. He is unhappy where he and the wife are living, yet he was unhappy where he was before they have moved. I used to be that way, until I realized the town I live in doesn't make happiness. I do. So, hopefully I can help him by just being there. Someone I work with found some bones on their land and I called my son to let him know. He seemed kind of excited about (getting his master's in anthropology). It was nice to talk to him about something that he sounds excited about.

I do love my children. They are so precious. I hope they will always know how much they are loved. How much they were wanted. How their father and I always made them our first priority. Hopefully they can pass these things on to their children. My hubby never enjoyed anything more than playing with his kids!

Ok, enough rambling..................On to a good OP week!

Heavy Heart

Do you ever take in so much sadness that it just makes your heart heavy? A very close friend, and co-worker, has had a tragedy happen in their family. Her brother, who is in his fifties, had a motorcycle accident a week ago Saturday (today). It seems as though every day they are finding more and more wrong with him. Broken back, broken neck, foot, legs, etc. He was responsive until Thursday, now he doesn't know anyone and doesn't act like he's "there" anymore. The internal bleeding they thought was under control has started up again. He had to be put back on the ventilator. Now, he has a raging infection. We are all in West TN and this happened in East TN. A very long way from home. He's been in this hospital for a week and of course, its a major drain on their family. My friend was named by his legal documents as the one to make the medical decisions for him. Of course she's distraught, especially since he seems to be getting worse. I feel for their family and feel so helpless at the same time. Of course, we are all praying for a good outcome. They do know he's paralyzed and his life will be forever changed.

On to more sadness. One of my husband's co-workers/friends had a little boy with a degenerative muscle disease. He was going through "hippotherapy" (spelling?) (using the practice of riding horses to stimulate the body's muscles -- it really works). Well, the parents learned of a new treatment and was encouraged to take their son to Colorado for this treatment. Their hopes were so high for positive results. Sadly, the little boy had complications, aspirated during surgery, and died.

I just cannot explain the sadness I feel for these two families. Both having such different tragedies. Both suffering and in pain. The parents of the little boy who died have spent this child's entire life revolved around him and his condition and trying to get him to the next step. Where do they go from here? The brother of my friend will never walk again. Never live alone again. Will always be dependent upon others. Its just a lot of sadness.

Of course, it made me take stock in my own life and realize just how blessed I am to have the healthy family that I have. It makes me realize life is special and yet so fragile. Our lives can change in an instant. I have two beautiful, healthy, grown children and thank God for them. I get stressed over my weight loss or stressed over my youngest son's latest injury, but we are so blessed and should be shouting it to the world. Never take for granted you have tomorrow. Tell those you love how you feel TODAY! Never miss that ballgame or band competition thinking you will go to the next one. You may not get to. Never rush to get anywhere, because wouldn't you rather be a little late than a little dead?

We are precious. We are fragile. We are blessed. Thank you God for giving me this day, this life!

I need routine!

Okay, I will say it, I am looking forward to getting back to work. I am really in the need for my old routine to be back. I do so much better. I go back to work next Monday. School doesn't start for two weeks after that, but I always have to go in before teachers or students. Anyway, I am looking forward to it in a way. This summer, however, I have used my time off to get me some kind of exercise routine in place. I haven't exercised much in the last two days, but the youngest son (19) had an accident with a drill and had to have two of his fingers sewn back together. So, I have been the mom/nursemaid for the last two days. Have I said lately how much I enjoy grown children (at least until now! haha). I forgot how much work it is to take care of them night and day. Have them all grown up sure has spoiled me! But, I do miss my babies. I had fun with my kids and loved every minute of their lives. Well, except some of the teenager attitudes. I could live without those. I guess I will wait for grandchildren, and being only 43, I don't mind waiting for awhile! Not ready to be a granny! LOL

Anyway, back to my routine...............I need some structure back in my diet as well. I have NOT been doing like I should. I will go three or four days OP and then back off and on and off and on, and well you get the picture. I do NOT want to go off this program at all. I went shopping today for a couple new pairs of pants for work. I should've gotten the smaller size, but instead of opting for two sizes smaller than I was, I got the pants that were just one size smaller. I am not one who likes tight clothes. Mind you, they were not "air restrictive" tight, but too tight for me. I probably wish I would've bought the smaller size, but I guess its my need for that "crutch" that I still haven't shaken just yet. I need some structure. I need to get back to planning my meals. I need to make sure I take my lunches to school with me. It will be so much easier. I need to quit making excuses and just "shit or get off the pot" so to speak.


So, here I go again, recommitting myself. Yeah, I need to be committed! Ready to go to smaller sizes. I do like that I feel good most of the time now. I have so much energy that on the days I don't work out (these last two anyway) I am so antsy. All the laundry is done. All the dishes are done. Oh, there are closets to be cleaned, but I'm not that energized just yet!

Okay, so here is more mindless dribble about my weight loss! Enjoy!

PAULA DEEN'S - After 2 days of OP

Yep, that's right, couldn't help myself. She opened a new restaurant in Tunica, MS. I'm from Tennessee, not too far to drive.....we got a group of us girls (yea, girls.......!!)together and went to Paula Deen''s new restaurant. Now, if you know anything about her, first you know she does nothing "light" (actually she had some sugar free pies -- really -- I didn't eat any -- but she had them!) , secondly, everything there was on a grand scale. Her buffet is in Harrah's Casino in Tunica. Well, I was not disappointed and, today, I WAS NOT ON A DIET. But, I must confess, I can't eat like I used too.

There were four of us. Two of us were WWs, two weren't. Well, I ate half of what the non-WWs ate. It was nice to see that I actually cannot "gorge" myself anymore. I was miserable when I left there, but in a good way. I tried a little bit of everything, including her creme brulee' (spelling??). But, I have always been a person who would rather have the mashed potatoes than the desserts.. That's just me!

So, my critique, Ms. Deen. FABULOUS! MARVELOUS! But what was even better, I had control! I like that!

Re-Commitment - Day 2 OP

Okay, its day 2 and I feel pretty good! I didn't have a chance to eat much of breakfast, but had a subway for lunch. I love subway. Anyway, planning a healthy dinner. Bought two more cantaloupes. My family can't get enough when they are in season. Trying to "work" this "thang" and get back to losing!

I read a blog of a fellow "Weight Watcher" and he got me to thinking.....(thank you by the way, you know who you are) ....What am I hanging on to as my "fat crutch". This person mentioned doing a double knot in your shoe laces so you wouldn't have to re-tie in public. I do this too! So, today, before working out, I did NOT double knot my shoes. Woohoo! I know, I know, many people wouldn't think this was a big deal. Well it is. Buying clothes a little too big, another fat crutch for me. What if I gain weight? Well, too bad sister, cuz if you gain weight, you will have to go naked and my goodness, not a pretty sight! LOL So self-motivation right there! Another thing I consider a "fat crutch" is not joining in. Last year at the 4th of July picnic, my sister and I went for a short walk and I huffed and puffed and was miserable. This year, that same walk, or maybe a bit further and up a hill, was no big deal for me. Usually, thinking about how miserable i was last year, I would opt for watching the kids or helping with clean up or do anything other than walk with someone else for fear that all my huffing and puffing would blow them over. Not anymore! I felt great. Would've loved to have continued the walk, but didn't want to be too rude. We were guests, after all. Or, another crutch, that isn't necessary for me anymore, sitting a table instead of a booth. Now, I was still sitting at booths at my highest weight, but not very comfortably. Most of them were tight, and right under my boobs, but now....no problem, and I will be damned if I go back to that!!!

So, thanks, dear WW friend who got me thinking today. Its a scary thought, giving up our crutches and putting ourselves out there. Oh, there are many more crutches, these were the first to come to mind. I know first hand how weight rules your entire life. Everything revolves around it. Unfortunately, society is all about it too. But, I say let's get a revolt going. If we are all going to be so damned obsessed over food, may as well benefit us and we may as well get healthy in the process. Others have mentioned, as well as myself, that they get tired of counting, weighing, measuring..........yes, it gets really, really, old......................or we could let ourselves get out of control again, like we were before, obsessing over it for all the wrong reasons. I do like this way better.

Thanks again!!

Taking Control.........Again

So, here's where the honeymoon is over. I am struggling with staying OP just about every day. Getting sick last week only helped in my downward spiral (not downward in weight I can tell you!). The WW boards are truly an inspiration for me. People who don't know me but who are in the same "boat" offering advice and kind words to encourage me to keep going. Its really helpful.

This is what its been like my entire life. I have always been good at the beginning of every diet. Usually about 30 lbs in I give up. So, at least I have made it to 37 before getting this feeling. Usually its, "to hell with it, I'm tired of this, I'm eating what I want to dammit!" Even though I have been doing some of that for about a month now, I have managed not to go completely off my diet. So, when does my brain realize this isn't a diet? My body has already realized that to a point. I am more energetic and it won't let me lay around and be lazy as much. I'm just "antsy" now. Can't sit still. Yeah me!!

So, I'm doing a little soul searching right now. I do love the new energy. I do love the trying on all these clothes that I had given up on because they were so tight and uncomfortable. Now, most of the uncomfortable ones are too big. I actually like seeing me in a mirror. Now, I would still like to be seeing less, but its not as painful.

Still, its why????? Why? When you know how much better you feel, why do you go off your program (won't say diet)? When every time you do go off, your stomach plays hell with you, why do you do it? When you spend another week getting your stomach right again, why? Why do I think going back to my old habits is going to have different results? Well, the voices in my head are back and I'm not doing a very good job of answering them, am I? LOL

As a child of an alcoholic, I learned at a young age what "One Day At A Time" meant and it truly applies to my food addiction. I can also recite the serenity prayer, which I do daily. The visuals don't work for me. I have a picture of me in a white dress getting a hug from Randy White (Dallas Cowboys Defensive End from the 70s -- I think he was a defensive end) and it was one of my smaller days and pretty damned good day getting a hug from him! Anyway, I tried many, many times to use that as a visual. It doesn't work.

What also doesn't work is a defeatist attitude, so I'm kicking my own ass today and saying I am re-committing to my weight loss. I don't want to feel awful again. I don't want to be so tired I can't make it through a day of work. I don't want to hurt all over from carrying around another person. I don't want to go back to not fitting in chairs or booths or whatever. So, take my advice......Ask yourself all the questions I have, and then answer them, honestly. Remember, One Day At A Time applies to all of us......................Today, I am going to quit beating myself up and start applauding myself! Good luck to me!!! LOL

Sometimes you just get tired.....

Yep, that's right. You just get tired and in my case, sick and tired. I have been sick for nearly three days now. I have gained 5 lbs. Yes, five damned pounds! I haven't had enough to eat, so going over points isn't the problem. Its dehydration. I know this. I understand all the science behind why I would gain instead of lose when I have nothing in my body. My body is a "water" hoarder. If anything threatens my hydration levels, everything in me stops and says 'HOLD ALL THE WATER'. Now, when I get back to drinking water like I usually do and eating like I usually do, I know this will come off.............but when you are watching every damned ounce, when you are dieting, and when you try even when you are throwing your guts up to stay ON PROGRAM....well, it just gets frusrating! I realize that yesterday the only I had to eat was McDonald's french fries, and that this wasn't the best thing for me, but that one mishap with the french fries didn't cause five pounds.

What I am hoping is that my mindset is going to help me drag my ass out of this hole. That is if I ever start to feel better. I mean, this is a stomach virus, yet I hurt all over. My neck and shoulders hurt so bad I can hardly move. If I haven't said it, I HATE BEING SICK! Now, I realize there shouldn't be anyone out there that likes being sick, but there are those out there who do!! LOL

Here's another rant about absolutely nothing! Soon I will be back OP. Right now, I don't really want any food and have FAMILY plans for the 4th of July........guess I will rely heavily on the water and the watermelon!!!

CJ