Visit with the oldest son!

Well, I had a really good weekend. My oldest son came home. We finally celebrated father's day for the hubby. We had a really enjoyable weekend with my son and his wife. They seem to be doing really well. My son got funding for his master's, so we talked a lot about that. Its making their lives a little easier. Of course, I made all his favorites, which are my favorites too. We grilled burgers and hot dogs. I made my famous potato salad and baked beans. We had fresh corn from the farm. So all in all it was a good day. Not a good food day for me, but I knew it was coming and I was going to let myself eat the things I like. I pretty much used all my daily points along with the rest of the weeks points allowance too. But, yes, it was worth it.

Today, I am making up for it. I have had all my water. I have eaten lots of veggies. I made a fabulous turkey meatloaf, lima beans, broccoli, and more fresh corn. Also made some corn muffins. Lots of carbs, but it was good, home grown food. I definitely stayed within my points today though. Also, for dessert, fresh peaches, sugar free pound cake, and sugar free cool whip.

I knew I had to exercise today and really didn't feel like it. Had the headache from hell most of the day. But I took two Aleve and decided to exercise anyway. After getting the corn muffins on to cook, I did the Leslie Sansone WATP 1-mile video. Just enough time to cook the muffins. So, I got the other veggies on and put in the turkey meatloaf and .............for some reason.....I though, why not exercise some more.....so I did the WATP 2-mile video. I earned 5 APs for the day. I don't usually do that ever!! I am very proud of myself at this point. I know I have to make exercise a routine in my life. I also know, I feel so much better after I do it. And....the sex life is definitely getting better........so that's a major NSV!!! woohoo!!! Hubby better start exercising or he won't be able to keep up! LOL Guess I will just have to start without him!

These are the thoughts of the day from CJ!

Thoughts for the day

Okay, I go on the WW boards everyday and give my thoughts, so I thought I would come here and do the same. Someone brought up the topic of being black or white and not having any gray areas. Meaning, she was either on program or off it. She either exercised or she didn't, etc. This was so me in my past attempts. I was the person who did everything perfect, worked out, journaled everything, never strayed..................................until I actually DID stray and then everything was blown to hell.

I lost almost all of this weight once before. I didn't reach that magical number. I didn't reach that magical size. Mostly, I didn't see a difference in the mirror. I still saw the same fat person I had always been. I know I have a problem with that and realizing that has been extremely hard. People now tell me I've lost weight and I don't SEE. I feel it everyday in the way I move and in my clothes. I just don't see it. I'm not sure why? Maybe the same way an anorexic person thinks they are still fat when they are mere skeletons. I don't know. Its an ongoing problem for me.

I feel myself changing, little by little. I felt terrible last night and I knew it was because I hadn't worked out yesterday. SO, at 9:00 p.m. the DH and I decided we needed to get up and move, so we headed out in the neighborhood and did about a mile. Granted it wasn't much, but it got the both of us off the couch and moving. This is totally out of the norm for both of us. It made us both feel better. So, why am I dreading working out this morning? I know that I will, but I have put way too much thought in to not wanting to work out. That's just my little brain at work trying to sabotage my efforts. Does anybody else have any self-sabotaging problems? It gets rough sometimes, trying to lose weight and deal with those inner demons trying to keep you from losing weight!.. We must FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT AND GET RID OF THE VOICES IN OUR HEADS! Okay, now you all obviously know that I'm crazy, but who cares! A little bit of crazy never hurt no one!! LOL

My short term goal is to lose 50 lbs. I am at 35 or 36 (wow I'm note sure) right now. Carlos had given me the suggestion of buying new shoes upon obtaining this goal, however, I had just bought a new pair of sneaks for walking. Sorry, but will have to buy something else! Or I could buy another pair of shoes. That's the only thing I have on my person that has never changed in size all of these years and all of these pounds!! I love shoe shopping!

So, these are my ramblings for the day. Just needed somewhere for these thoughts to go~

What a nice surprise .................

Okay, been on the WW site a lot today. Been really motivated. Been working hard on doing some housework, even though I think all of my little projects are only messing up the place......I've had a pretty good day. Went to eat Mexican food with my youngest son. That was nice. He even talked to me and didn't text during dinner! What an accomplishment............THEN........

I walked in to my walk in closet and saw the dress I wore to Easter services with my in-laws. Hmmm......I think I will try it on. It was tight and uncomfortable and I hated the way I looked in it! Well, its very loose now and I love it! This trying on old stuff is pretty neat.................SO, let's try on the dress I wore to my son's wedding nearly two years ago....I was so uncomfortable that day. The camisole and the skirt fit then, but the jacket was way too tight and didn't meet in the middle like it should have. I had it made and somehow the seamstress got the measurements off on the jacket. No time to do it over.......SO, if you look at my picture on the right you will see that I was uncomfortable and upset about the jacket. Not a good day (well it was for my son -- just not a good clothes day for the "fat at heart" LOL). SO, I tried on this outfit tonight. WHAT A WONDERFUL SURPRISE! I need to do this more often. I have lost 36 pounds now. My weight loss has slowed down a bit, but this was just what I needed to get my big butt in gear! The camisole was WAY too loose. The skirt was falling off of me. AND.........The jacket was now a perfect fit and meets in the middle. Can we do the wedding over? I think I could get through it without being miserable...LOL I have to laugh because that was a very trying day and when you are fat, these types of events are ALWAYS unbearable. Now matter how much you smile, now matter how much you fake it, on the inside -------its awful. I had my first Xanax that day! I needed it. I have a bit of "social anxiety" anyway, so it definitely helped!

So, there you go. When in doubt, go try on your old clothes. I knew my t-shirts and jeans were getting looser. I knew my work clothes were getting looser. But trying on things you haven't worn in months or even years........................I am telling you, it really really helps!

So, go ahead---------go to your closet.....Try something on that you used to wear! It will make a difference in your attitude!!!

More Energy

Okay, I have to admit it, the more you exercise, the more energy you get. Now, when I was getting home from work and dead tired, you couldn't convince me that if I would just get my fat ass up off the couch and workout, I would feel better. Like I have said before, this weight loss has been easier, mainly because I am doing it for myself and because all of those years I spent trying to lose weight in the middle of raising children, working, running between band practice, baseball games, and football games, well the diet was always the first casualty. So, now that both of my sons are grown (24 and 19) and one of them is out of the house, I am finding a diet much easier to follow. Of course, Weight Watchers doesn't want you think of their program as a diet, it is. However, it is the most practical of any diet. It allows you to eat real food while teaching you that moderating is the key.

As I have said before, I work for a school and we are out for the summer (My mind automatically goes to the old Alice Cooper Song "School's Out For Summer -- I realize this dates my terribly, but I was very young when this song was out -- REALLY).. Since we are out for summer, the dieting has been a little easier. Just wish my summer break was longer! LOL I have been cooking a lot (hubby loves that) and have been exercising a lot. A lot for me any way. I walked two miles last Monday and did the Walk Away The Pounds video Wednesday and Thursday. Well, I was busy on Friday and lazy on Saturday so I didn't work out. So, today, after not eating as well as I should....I did at least do the 3 mile workout video. I do like the way the exercising makes you feel. Now, secretly, I am one of those who would love to go to a gym. Will I ever? Probably not. But I will never say never!

As a kid, my father was in the military and we lived on/near a military base so all of the gyms, pools, outdoor activities were always there for us to use. Boy I miss that. Not the military, just having everything available at no cost! But, we always used to be at the gym (Dad was a basketball coach), or at a pool, or riding horses....etc. Again, I miss all of that. The gym had a weight room and was always at our disposal. Wish I had that now. Of course, right now, I am too fat to go to the gym. Yes, I realize that is an "oxymoron", but hey, I can't help it. I mean, how embarrassing is it when you can only do about 10 minutes on the treadmill and you have no clue how to use any of the weight machines.............Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated in that area. Doesn't mean I will be doing that in the near future, but knowing what to do if I ever decided to go would be helpful.

Okay, now that I have ranted..........just wanted to say thanks for reading!

Two More Miles

Well, this is the second time this week I have walked two miles. Now, to most people, that doesn't seem like a lot. To me, its totally amazing I can walk that far. When I started all of this in February, I could barely walk to the mail box..........................and the mailbox is very close to the front door! LOL

When I started in February I bought a Leslie Sansone "Walk Away the Pounds" video. The "Get Up and Get Started" section is the one mile walk and it takes about 20 minutes. I got through it. BUT, boy it was not easy. I hurt so bad after doing it, and of course, eventually stopped doing it. Well, having lost 34 lbs now, and moving a lot more, I decided to start walking again. Well, on Monday morning the hubby and I went out for a walk. We walked 2 miles. I was quite proud of myself...........and completely SHOCKED. So, today, I decided to do the 2 mile section of the "Walk Away the Pounds" video. I did it. It wasn't hard. I enjoyed it. Now, of course, spending the last three weeks working with 40 five year olds prepared me somewhat. Plus, I have been doing a lot more walking at work.......so needless to say....I am thrilled!

So, maybe this exercise stuff isn't so bad. Guess I best not get ahead of myself though! Let's see if I keep it up!

CJ

Father's Day

Well, today is Father's Day. My hubby, the love of my life and father of my two beautiful sons, is watching TV through his eyelids as we speak. I remember those days when my Dad watched TV through his eyelids. My sisters and I would think he was asleep so we would go change the channel from football or basketball or golf. It always amazed us that by doing so, that was the switch that woke him up!! Now it seems funny, back then, not so much!

My father and I don't speak much, but it doesn't keep me from having fond, childhood memories of him. He never seemed to want to be a part of our lives and when we (the children) quit making the effort, he seemed to just go away. He comes in to town every now and again, but never without another reason. The last time, a basketball tournament. I realized a long time ago that he wasn't capable of unconditional love and that for me, it was easier to love him from a distance. I will always love the man, and again have fond memories, but needing him in my everyday life isn't a necessity.

Lucky for me, I found a man who knows what being a real father is. I have two sons. One of which I am certain realizes the sacrifices that his father has made time and time again over the years. The other, I am not so sure. He has more of the attitude that now that he's educated, his Dad's (and his mom's) belief systems are antiquated and/or outdated. He made a statement one time that he couldn't believe that we were his parents, mainly because we don't see things the way he sees them, whether that's religion, politics, or just life in general. Its hard to swallow sometimes, but we are proud of our son. He has worked hard all of his life and is still working hard to get his master's. He has always been one of those who thought for himself, or thinks that anyway. He really doesn't see that he is more like a chameleon and takes on the beliefs of those he is around. Sad really. He is my oldest son. My youngest son, though going through some rebellious behavior, is a bit more settled in his thinking. Now if I could only get him to have the drive and determination that his father and his brother have....that's the hard part! LOL

These are just some of my thoughts this Father's Day. Not so much about weight today! Thought I would take the day off!!

CJ

Lucky

So, I weighed in this past Sunday. I only gained .2. Now, I have been off my diet/program for nearly three weeks. Well, let me say, I haven't been going to the meetings or to weigh-ins. I was for the most part, following some kind of diet, but wasn't writing things down or really tracking a thing. How I managed to only gain .2 is beyond me. I guess it was a mercy WI because I certainly didn't deserve it.

My temporary/summer program is almost over. WHEW. Thought I would never make it. I am no sure why I did this. Yes, I am! The money..........DUH! One and half more days. Hopefully this time next year, I will be on the white, sandy beaches of Orange Beach, AL vacating with the FAM! My sister already wants to reserve our condos....She is down there right now and already planning for next year! What a Sis! My husband really doesn't like doing this.......but the one bright spot for him is the fact that he has a high school buddy down there that takes him out fishing (at night) and he really does have fun doing that! I, truly enjoy the early morning walks on the beach with the hubby. We were there last year for a full week. I was so out of shape and out of breath and out of "it", that I think I ruined the vacation a little for him. I am determined that next year, I don't ruin it for him or for me. I am already down 35 pounds. Its not unreasonable to think I could be down 75 or better by then, is it? Well, If I don't get back OP, it won't happen. I haven't totally quit yet, so I'm giving my self a little credit for that.

Thanks for the supportive emails.....Still don't have that many people commenting on the blog, but that's ok!~(Thanks for the comments CARLOS and NEW CRYSTAL) Just email me now and again and give me some thoughts or just "tell it like it is!"

So, that's what's up with me. I AM going to WI in this Sunday. I AM sticking to this diet. I AM going to lose this weight. I like have little goals. Seems more attainable that way. My next goal is 50 lbs. Just 16 lbs. away. When I lost my 10%, I bought myself an iPod. Any ideas what to do for the 50 lb mark? What are some things, non-food related, that you do?

THANKS

CAROLYN

SOMETIMES I WONDER

Well, I wonder a lot, but mostly I wonder why I like food so much? Well, I am from the South. That doesn't help! Fried and lots of butter.........the only two food groups we know. Not really, actually, my mother has always been a good cook. I was raised on veggies from the garden, lots of them, but they all had some kind of meat or grease or whatever cooked in them. My main problem is junk food. I am a junkie for sure. When the stress hits, I want chips and dip and want to sit in the living room and eat them mindlessly.

I have done really well. Lost over 30 lbs now. Well maybe not. I haven't WI in over two weeks. I know I have gained and haven't mustered up the courage to go WI. What kind of coward am I? Afraid of a little scale. I was a military wife who was left in Japan while husband was out to sea with a one year old and I was the ripe old age of 20. I have handled a lot in my life. Two teenage sons comes to mind first. I made it through that. I made it through my husband being in Iraq for a year and a half (most importantly, he made through being in Iraq a year and half and having his convoy come under attack and taking shrapnel to the face) Though these are only a few things, my life is good. I am a smart woman, with beautiful children, a wonderful husband. Why can't I conquer this "food thing"???? I just don't get it. Why am I afraid to WI? Failure. We are all afraid of it I guess. I have tried to teach my children that failure molds you. Makes you a better person. If you have never failed, you must have never tried. SO, I am not going to quit trying. I may continually fail, but I will never quit trying. I can't. I feel too good. I want this to continue.............................so why am I wanting chips and a coke right NOW???? I hate it. I feel like some druggie wanting a fix or something!!!!!!!!

In the South all our lives everything revolves around food. I'm sure this is not limited to the South, however. My family gets together and everyone wants their favorite dish cooked by their favorite relative. Christmas, Marriages, Births, Summer Vacation, Funerals, Family Reunions, you name it. ...............we eat. In the town I'm from........................which to many people would be considered a small town..........but not really small - we do have five high schools....anyway, the only thing to do here is go out to eat. Its not for nutritional purposes.......its for recreational purposes. OMG.....its really annoying!

So, these are my rants today.

FRESH START - DAY 1

Okay, here we go! Today was my first day back OP, really. I did go over my daily points, but have weeklys to use. Its been a rough day, and I have really wanted to head to the fridge. I have my audit tomorrow and this is really a stressful time.

I will be glad when I get some time off. WHY did I take on this extra, temporary summer job. Yes, its only temporary, but it took an extra two and half weeks of my summer away. Yes, there will be extra money, but I think I really needed the time off more. Oh well. Such is life. Have a week and half left (a little more). Of course the boss does her best to make life miserable for everyone. All last week she decided to stress me out about my audit. She and I made the agreement that I would do this summer program and that one and half weeks I would be pulling double duty. She agreed to it. All last week she decides to keep reminding me that I am still supposed to be (basically) doing her job.

Okay, these are my ramblings for the day. Guess that's why I started this blog, huh? Haven't given many people this blog address. A couple of friends, but they never respond! Respond already! LOL Thanks to the new friends who have responded. I appreciate it!

We are all in this together. Weight loss is the hardest thing I have ever done. Its easy to eat like a pig and watch the weight come on! Its not so easy to eat sensibly and watch it slowly come off. But, that's what I am doing. Slowly but surely.