Trying, really I am!

Okay, so no happy news here. Its been a crappy week. Still feeling crappy. Work is crazy. I haven't wanted food until today! I have lived off minute rice and chicken soup the past week it seems. Just not in a food kind of way. I weighed and was down 4 lbs.......that was two days ago, now I'm up two. I'm not worried, nor am I going to obsess over it. I am going to be doing this for a lifetime, so slow and easy is my pace. Exercise is the problem right now. Still having a problem with my breathing. Still don't think its bronchitis. Giving the antibiotics and steroids a chance to work, but if its still going on, I guess I will go and throw some more money down the toilet and go back to the doctor. I did have more energy today, but I had no choice because as I said earlier, work was crazy. This time of year in a school system....its not fun. Its crazy-ass insane and wearing me down!

Okay, I feel better. I am trying. Though this post doesn't show it, I am in a bit better mood and trying to "be positive". You know, when my friends and family ask me how I am and I still say I am not any better, it gets old, so I just quit saying it. But, I am trying to tell myself that, just to get through the day. By the time I get home though, I crash. I don't mean I am a little tired either. I mean, I CRASH! From what my doctor and my friends and family who have been through a hysterectomy have told me, these crashes are normal for some people. But, why the hell couldn't I be abnormal in this situation? I am usually abnormal!! LOL I guess if I hadn't had some very positive, energetic, exciting weeks where I felt wonderful, I wouldn't know how it could feel. I want those days, weeks back. I had energy, was exercising, happy go lucky. But, I am trying. Painting on my happy face and doing my best! LOL

The hubby is back from his week long trip and I am glad. I am just not myself without him around! Awwwhhh! But, I have to cook when he is home too. Don't like that!! Since I have been so tired, it was soup or rice and I was in the bed. He wants home cooked food after being gone over a week and eating out every day. What a bummer!

So here is my weekly rant! Catch you later!!!!

Quick Note

Still feeling like shit! Doc thinking something bronchial/upper respiratory but the only symptoms I have are feeling like I can't breathe and low grade fever. Did a bunch of tests and that's all he comes up with. Oh, the other symptom, my friend fatigue!

Thanks for the wonderful support you have all given me. I am still reading your blogs and commenting every now and then! I'm just "down" not "out"!

In a cloud

I feel like I am walking around in a cloud. I'm still not doing well. The diet, well what diet at this point. The exercise is almost "nil". I'm feeling like crap. My head is on a fog.

One of the principals in our school system dropped dead with a heart attack on Thursday at school. He was one of my son's middle school principal. Didn't know him well, but he had a daughter in the school where I worked, so saw him a lot. Just really brings you down. Then yesterday morning, my principal, my boss went in for a lumpectomy. When the doctor got in there he found cancer. It was like a punch to the stomach for all of us. I have my problems with her, but I am a compassionate person and well, it just gets you thinking about how fragile life is. Yes, this should make me want to be attacking the diet and exercise right now, but it doesn't. It hasn't made me run for food either. Just basically numb.

I am still having problems with my health as well and its frustrating the hell out of me. I guess another call to the doctor is in order. I have felt like I have been getting bronchitis for three weeks now, but all I have is the wheeze and chest pressure. Doctor checked it out over a week ago but said it was nothing. I don't think its nothing. Its really bothering me!

Okay, done whining. Just needed a place to put it! Thanks everybody!

This and That

Just thought I would write a bit. Not any specific topic. I did better diet wise today, that is until I got home. I don't do well when I am stressed and exhausted. I will try to do better tomorrow. My friend and I did walk today after school. It felt good, but I could only last 15 minutes. I didn't have any breathing problems while walking. They didn't start until I got home and started relaxing. Go figure. Maybe I have decided to become allergic to my dogs. That would be a tragedy as I love them very much!! But, I had this feeling last week while at work, so I am not thinking its my dogs. Who the hell knows.

I felt a little bit better today. Still a "blah" type feeling, but a little better. Not quite as exhausted. If being totally exhausted was a 10, that's how I have been feeling - a big fat 10! I always wanted to be a 10. Anyway, I would say maybe its down to a 9 or an 8.5. I didn't want to bash any heads today at work, so I think that is an AMAZING "kudo" for me! Tomorrow is another day! I work at a school, with all women, and well, I will be nice and just say "THERE IS A LOT OF DRAMA - ALL THE DAMNED TIME!" I am so not a drama person, as I have said before.

We are gearing towards TCAP testing (achievement testing for the state of TN) and well, because I have the most computer skills of everyone in the building (except the computer teacher), I get picked to do all of the prep work, getting all the info into the state via the computer, etc. Its not that I mind, I just don't look forward to this time of year. Everyone is crazy and then when its over, I only have a few weeks to wind down to my audit. That's NEVER FUN! I think I would rather have root canal!

Okay, where there is my mindless babbling for the day. I am hoping to do better tomorrow eating wise. I would also like this exhaustion to ease up. I am not asking for much, just maybe to an 8 or 7.5...I'm not greedy!

THANKS FOR STOPPING BY!

Bloggers are great!

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for your support. I have been having a hard time the last few weeks and your kind words definitely have helped.

I am doing crappy diet wise and only have myself to blame. Its so easy, when you are feeling bad, to slip back into those crappy eating habits. I allowed myself to be hypnotized by all kinds of crappy food these last two weeks. The energy levels made it to where I barely made it home in the evening, so cooking a great, healthy meal was a struggle and I gave in! Then of course, the beating myself up about it hasn't made things better either!!

I went to my doctor's appt. on Friday. Did a lot of blood tests, but haven't got the results. From my symptoms, he thinks its low estrogen. In the mean time has started me on a very low dose of estrogen to see if we can't get things started. He doesn't seem to think I will need it long term, which I am grateful for. He gave me something different to help me sleep. I was very concerned I might get addicted to sleeping pills, but this new medicine gave me such a headache! I have been doing good with the sleeping pills though. Only take them when I can't fall asleep after 2 or 3 hours. I am so not one to reach for something right away. I HATE, HATE, HATE pills, so all of this really bugs me. I am grateful the doc was comforting and sweet. Unfortunately, I have had way too many encounters with doctors who blow you off, try to dope you up, and send you on your way. I told him I am not one to want "a miracle cure" for my problems. If that had been the case, I would've had this stupid hysterectomy ten years ago! I try EVERYTHING else first. Sometimes, it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Most of the time I spend way too much time suffering when I could've just gotten it over with! But, that's how I roll. The estrogen could take up to 3=4 weeks to see if a difference and that's only if the dosage is enough. So, we will see. I have taken two pills already, shouldn't I be cured!???? LOL The fatigue is the worst feeling. I also think I may be getting bronchitis. Who knows. If its not one things its another with me! But, I have a positive attitude and plan on overhauling my eating AGAIN. These last two weeks will take some work to erase, but I can do it!

The hubby is going out of town for a little over a week, so maybe I can get my eating back on track. Its easier when its just me. I have already told my son he can fend for himself this week, that I will be too tired to fix him something and me something. He's usually good about that. After all, he is 20 and well, he's too old to baby!

Thank you again to all of you for your support. I realize coming to blogs and reading the happy, upbeat, encouraging stories are a whole lot easier to deal with and help you in your own struggles. Thanks for taking the time to read mine!

Energy Crisis!!

Yep, that's right.......with all this global warming, all the "green" going on out there, and yet, I am having my very own energy crisis.......

No, its not a shortage in electricity and no I haven't had my lights turned off at the house. Its just me. My body. I am running on empty (running on -- oops an old Eagles song). I have hit yet another exhaustion wall that I thought would've left by this point in the game. I was in such pain this weekend that I took my leftover pain medication from the surgery. Guess I am glad I didn't need it much after the surgery. I don't know what's going on. Yes, I know you need to go to the doctor....Well, I have an appointment for Friday. I have a laundry list of things to tell him. I just have always been the type when I am in the doctor's office, 1) I forget everything I want to say.....so I take a list....forget to get the list out, then 2) I am so intimidated by doctors that I just take what he is saying and go on. So, I always get frustrated with myself and with the doctor. So, I do have my list. I think I am going to hand it to him Friday and say, "Here is my list, I don't communicate well, so read it and tell me what you think!"

This exhaustion feels like when I was just out of the hospital or back when they were threatening blood transfusions because of severe anemia. So, he is going to have to run a test or two. Do I really want this? NO! I would rather my extra money not go to the doctors, labs, insurance companies. Who wants that? No one! I am still paying off the hysterectomy. Who'd a thought, hysterectomies on the lay-a-way plan! Sorry, have to laugh!!

I am trying to do good diet wise, because first of all it does make me feel better. Its not always working that way because I am too damned tired to think about food, let alone fix it.

So, for your praying types out there, send me a little prayer that we can figure this out, or I will get over it....for anybody else, just some well-wishes would be nice! I am at the end of my rope, tied a knot in it, and about to free-fall into ............................................

Positives/Negatives

Okay, so I have been working on my positives and negatives and decided just to write them down:

Positives this week:

1) Today is Friday and its my favorite time of the week!
2) The weather was ABSOLUTELY beautiful today, in the 60s!!!
3) I made it through a horrendous day without trying to choke not one person!
(major positive considering the day I had!)
4) My son took me to Longhorn for dinner and I ate very healthy!
5) My husband called me three times today just to see how I was feeling...
Awh, how sweet! (It really is)
6) Paid all the bills this week and still have enough for a bologna sandwich!
(kind of joke with my sister -- she says she's going to win the lottery,
pay off all her debt, and then have enough left for a bologna sandwich!!)
7) I see one of my sons everyday as he is still living at home and I have talked
to my other son almost everyday this week. They are my sunshine!
8) Dear Hubby seems to be getting over his latest "men"opause spell!

Some Negatives this week:

1) Still dealing with UTI and its making me feel like Sh#$!!
2) Feeling more pain now than I did right after surgery!
3) Wanted to choke several parents today (but see above, I didn't!)
4) Tired that the biggest part of my life right now is still getting over
this surgery and its pesky little complications!
5) Have not been OP very well since Sunday and am having some bloating issues due partly to medication and bladder/kidney problems. No excuses though!


Well, as you can see, my negatives are relatively minor. I guess that means my life is pretty good. Oh, there is lots of stuff I could bitch about and believe you me, it would go on and on and on....but I am grateful that my negatives are minor.

So, this next week, I have got to get back on the program, and even if I am still hurting, gotta do some light walking or something. Mostly, though, its about the food. I have got to do better. I have got to cook. I know I have had a terrible week and no excuses....just haven't had the energy or desire to care! Truth and nuttin but the truth!

See ya!

Sunshine and Flowers!

Okay, if you know me, or if you've read any of my posts, you know I am not the "sunshine and flowers" type of person. As I have read some of my own posts, it looks like I am a bitchy whiner. I don't mean to be. I am a happy person. Guess I use this blog to sort out what I am feeling! It just seems more of the negative shows through than the positive. So....here's to positive. I have a lot of positive in my life, one of which is that I am feeling better today. Didn't go back to work, but am feeling better!!!!! Thanks to everyone who gave me some positive reinforcement! I truly appreciate it.

I would say that for most of us, dieting isn't always a positive. I am trying hard to make this a positive experience. I know we shouldn't say diet, but who are we kidding? Its a diet. Own it! As I was watching the biggest loser last night, I realized, we all have to own it. We know why we got here. We know why we gained, or didn't lose as much as we wanted. I so wanted Bob or Jillian to go off on Joelle last night. I don't usually watch, but this year, I started watching it and have found, though most people hate Jillian and love Bob........I love them both. No nonsense. You didn't lose because you ate bad and didn't try. There you go! Its not muscle, its not water retention, its just you! I love it!

So, I am trying to write some positive and no negative. I can't promise that the negative monster won't rear its ugly head, oh let's say by tomorrow, but I am trying. So, here's to Sunshine and Flowers, as long as its after I've had my shower in the morning and not before....I am not a morning person! Oops there I go again! LOL Seriously! Don't talk to me before I get my shower!

I've been sidelined!

So to speak! Just thought with my earlier football statement it was appropriate! LOL I woke up in severe pain this morning. Went to the doctor and have a very bad UTI/bladder infection. No wonder I was hurting all weekend. Thought I just over did it...which the doc said just didn't help matters any! He wants me to take it easy for a few days and not over do it. Walking is okay, but we were power walking somewhat and he wants me to tone it done. Of course, he's happy I am doing it, just wants me to back off a bit.

So, here I sit at home again. I thought after going back to work from the hysterectomy, I wouldn't be here so soon! I am not one that likes to take sick leave. That's why the hysterectomy didn't hardly make a dent in my sick days.

Program wise...I suck! No excuses. Just didn't want to bother. But, don't take that as giving up, because I am not. I have felt too bad to prepare my food and just taking what I can get. It always gets me in trouble. But, have a chicken in the oven and eating good tonight. Taking leftovers to work tomorrow. Going to plan no matter how bad I feel, because I refuse to give up! So, I am kicking my own ass in gear and deciding this is not good enough!

There you go...........another days rambling and that was on pain medicine too!! LOL

Super Bowl Sunday - Not so SUPER!

Well, I weighed in today. I did lose, just not what I had wanted. I lost .4. I know, I know, a loss is a loss! I did have two bad days this week, but I didn't think they were that bad. At first, the lady weighing me said I was down 2.2! Wow, I will take it. Then, after the meeting, when I got home, I looked in my book again. She had subtracted wrong. WHAT A DOWNER! But, this will only make me try harder this week. And just think, that's without having the pizza!! I stayed strong and didn't get the pizza last night or today! That's a NSV I suppose!

I think I over did it this past week with exercise. I am only 2.5 months out from the hysterectomy and I think I over did it a bit. Granted, I am not lifting weights yet or anything, but we are doing some serious walking. I have hurt all weekend long and my tummy is a bit swollen from it. Now, I realize, most people wouldn't be able to tell the swollen part from the "fat" part, but I can, especially since I saw it right after surgery and I am down 12 lbs. since then. Anyway, I have taken it fairly easy this weekend. I walked some last night instead of eating pizza, but nothing like we were doing this past week at school. I guess my body is telling me to lighten up a bit! It does feel so good after I exercise, I must say. It is definitely helping me get may brain out of the hormone fog that it seems to be stuck in!

Anyway, just wanted to check in and say I lost...........! It is a good thing, but I can't help but be honest and say "I WANTED MORE!" Greedy I guess!! LOL

For all the football funs, have a great time tonight and try to be good! (I can't promise anything! LOL)