Saturday, January 30, 2010

Despair update

So early in my posts I talked about some despair that had come down on our family. Things in that area aren't all that much better. Actually, in my opinion they are worse. My daughter-in-law had a miscarriage today. I had allowed myself to get excited and it does hurt. I hurt for her because she was really excited. I hurt for my son, because he was NOT and now has guilt feelings over it all. This was part of my despair earlier, and though I have told you some of what has happened, there is a whole lot more attached to this I won't go into. Though my son was not too happy about this situation, he had just come around to the fact he was going to be a daddy and the rug gets pulled out from under him. Well, I pray for him and his wife. I know the pain of miscarriage as I had one between my two sons. It's a very empty, lonely feeling and no one has any words that can help. I just hope no one tells her the things they told me when I had my miscarriage. Well-meaning individuals told me "God has a reason for's just for the best.........or you are young you can have another baby" All these words are well-meaning and are said with love and concern, but from someone who has been there, these words only make you mad. People who have miscarriages are treated as though they shouldn't be mourning something they never had. I disagree. You bond with your child from the moment you know you are pregnant. I know I did. He/She is already a part of you. Yet, people forget that. They don't understand what the mourning is about. A stillborn baby is given a death certificate, yet a miscarried baby is not. I never understood that. Never will. All I know is my daughter-in-law is going through something very sad and very emotional and my wish for her is that well-meaning relatives and friends will allow her the time to grieve for the child she lost. The future she lost. You make plans. You envision yourself as a mom. In your mind, you fantasize about the family you are going to have. So, not only do you mourn the loss of a child, you mourn the loss of a future. Having to tell people you've miscarried is the hardest thing at this time. No one knows what to say and they usually don't say the right things. I hope my son can be supportive and allow her the time mourn in her own way. She will be weepy for awhile, I was. She will not understand when she sees someone with six kids that they obviously don't want. She will be mad and not understand why God could do this. These were some of the things I felt as well. I haven't told her, but she will get through this. Today is not the day for that. You do get passed it. You do quit hurting. For me the birth of my next child helped a lot. Don't know if that's in the cards for them though. We will see.

So, just wanted to share some of the despair with you here. Thanks!


Anonymous said...

I've been her, too. My heart goes out to her.

Debby said...

I'm so sorry for all of your losses. Know that I care for you. I don't know your son and DIL, so you'll have to do the caring for them. You are in my mind and in my heart and in my prayers though...yep you're stuck there! HUGE HUGS! Aw heck, a sloppy kiss too!

CJ said...

Thanks again Deb. I always appreciate your support. You are a great person!

Thanks getting..., I appreciate your kind words. I have been there too and it's an empty place.

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