TRAPPEDNME

Wow....where has time gone!

2012-01-29T17:00:00.001-08:00

I certainly don't know!! I cannot believe it's beens so long since I've come here and typed about....well whatever. I noticed on my last blog I had started doing WW online. Well, obviously I quit. However, a month ago I started WW again and I am attenting meetings. 10 lbs gone so far. I am very proud of that.

This past year I have hurt my knee, dealt with migraines, my father in law passed away, gained again.......had to quit doing zumba which is frustrating.....started back zumba and know I have hurt my knee and my back. So, very frustrated again!! Not a happy camper when it comes to zumba...because I love it.

On the upside....it's just a week until my granddaughter's first birthday. I am so excited. It's been about a month since we've seen her and she grows so much and starts doing so many things that we miss out on. It's kind of depressing, but when we do get to see her, that all passes and you just feel the love. She's such a precious girl! I'm more than a little biased, but she is too cute!! She has me and the DH wrapped around her little finger for sure!! Next Saturday we are going to her birthday party and I can't wait. Of course, I have to feel better. Having a cold/sore throat/stopped up ears issue, but will hopefully flush all that out before the weekend!!

Like I said earlier, I feel like I am falling apart. Been on a heating pad all weekend with my back. Wrenched it doing zumba. The upside to that is it's hurt so much I haven't noticed my knee pain...haha. Have had a headache all weekend too. Think it's more sinus related than migraine related as my throat is hurting and so are my ears. I am much too young to feel this damn old for sure! I've always handled my weight....carried it well......was always strong, etc. So, having knee pain and hobbling and getting up and my back is hurting and I'm limping and having a hard time walking........well, I'm not handling that well. Wish I had a pool actually! I would "swim it out" if I did!

Okay...so I've rambled, but I'm back again! Reading everyone's blogs again! So proud of so many of you!!! Keep up the great work!

I JUMPED!!!

2011-07-22T18:05:00.000-07:00

Yep, that's right........jumped back on the band wagon! Started WW online AGAIN this past Monday. I kept my weigh ins for Thursdays though and yesterday, I had lost 4.8 lbs. Woohoo! I know this stuff works, I just have to work "it". I'm really good at starting out.....its the keeping it up that I'm not good at. I am really good at dieting...........when I do it. I am no good with maintenance. When I finally DO get rid of all of this weight, I will have to really work hard on maintenance instead of diet. There's a big difference.

So, going to see my granddaughter tomorrow. Still can't believe I am a grandma. That's an amazing thing being a grandma! That baby just melts my heart. My babies melt my heart still, so what it is that makes a grandchild so GRAND? Is it our age? Maybe. I think with me and the DH its the fact that we were both so young and so broke when we started having kids that we couldn't enjoy them the way we wanted. I must admit, I am blessed that i got to be a stay at home mom with both of my boys. I went to work after my youngest was a year old and so I enjoyed my time at home. HOWEVER....through the years, I worked full time and I worked part time to work around my children's schedules, and I came to find out that I was a better mom when I worked. I got more done and appreciated my time with them more! My hubby is so head over heels in love with this baby and I think it's because he can just be himself with no worries, no responsibilities, just pure love and nothing else. It's so fun to watch!

So, I continued to zumba through the summer even though I spent most of the summer in OK due to my father-in-law's cancer and then death. It was hard to go thru and there was a three week span that I didn't do zumba boy did I feel awful! Plus, the three trips to OK played hell with my ankles. They swell so much when I am riding/driving so that part was miserable. Plus when you are around family and people bringing in food, well I didn't eat right either. That's why I had to do something! So, back on WW. I feel good about it.

Well, the wagon train is calling my name....better jump on it!! haha

Where have I been?

2011-05-22T10:51:00.001-07:00

Nowhere! I have been here actually. Here? No, not here or I would've posted, here being at home doing nothing. Working myself to death and getting over stressed. Hoping to make two more weeks so I can be on summer vacation. Here....not dieting...not thinking about what I am eating, and of course, eating all the wrong things. Wonder why I do this? I ask this question a lot and yet I'm no closer to answer now than I ever was. EXCEPT LAZINESS OF COURSE!

Parts of my job got easier this year so I was thinking that when it came time for my audit that it would be a much easier process. I was wrong. I feel like a procrastinator, yet some of my work is dependent upon other people, making me look like I can't keep deadlines, when in reality, they aren't keeping their deadlines and I CAN'T STAND THAT! I am a deadline kinda person. I like having my ducks in a row and I like accomplishing my tasks in a neat and timely manner. Now, I am not OCD AT ALL.......because I can let some things go and no obsess. But, I like having my work planned out and done when its supposed to be done. So here I am, working toward my audit and only have two weeks left and there are still some people who have yet to even start getting their things done.....so that I can close out my books. FRUSTRATING TO NO END.

Okay, so gonna try with weight watchers again. Online of course. Hopefully after my audit I will have some 5 weeks or so off and be able to plan and manage that part of my life. Let's hope so. I am still doing zumba and loving it. At least twice a week, often three, sometimes four. Week before last I did two zumbas back-to-back. I felt very proud that I could do it.

Started having migraines in October, not long after I started zumba, but haven't quit zumba. Feel like I have one coming on today. In sever months I have had at least six migraines. They did a CT.....I am proud to say they found a brain, but nothing else. Haha! Been doing a lot of reading on the subject and think dehydration my be one of the culprits.

So, just catching up on my comings and goings. Oh, the grandbaby! WONDERFUL! Never imagined I could feel so in love with a baby! She's perfect!

Done with hibernation

2011-02-12T09:41:00.000-08:00

Okay, so we have had plenty of snow days here in the south and I cannot believe I am going to say this, but, "I am tired of the snow days already!" Yes, me who loves the snow days, needs to get back in her routine and get back to feeling better. We had four and half snow days this last week...........meaning we went to school a half day last week! Yes, I enjoyed every minute, but am seriously tired of being stuck in the house. I missed three zumba classes!! I don't like that! AT ALL! I have become quite addicted actually. Oh, my food addiction is still quite healthy, don't worry, but I like that I'm putting exercise at the top of my list these days.

So, now that hibernation is over for me, or at least I hope so.....I need to get back on track...........eating wise and zumba wise. We (two close friends and myself) are going to try to do zumba at least five times this week. We use the zumba DVDs at school on Mondays and Wednesdays. On Mondays I also go to a zumba class. Tuesdays are free, but thinking about going to a new one. Wed. at school as I just said. THursday is the same instructor as Mondays class and Fridays an instructor who likes to push the limits. I really like her. I don't know that I could do her class everyday of the week, but would love it she had classes I could go to everyday of the week.......just to see if I could push myself. This instructor is such an inspiration. She has lost 80 pounds doing zumba and eating healthy. I cannot imagine this hyper, thin, spunky happy girl ever being 80 pounds heavier. She is by far the bounciest person I have ever seen. I just think my body could ever do what hers does.........because she's in her late 20s and I'm in my middle 40s, but gonna give it a shot. My biggest obstacle is no longer my weight or stamina even, its the boobs. Yep the girls get in the way and weigh me down. I did just by an Enell sports bra and have only been once........but like it already. Can actually jump around a lot more now.

So, now its on to eating right. I have got to quit taking the easy road. Yes when you work full time its far easier to run through a drive thru and pick up something, or order out at lunch everyday.............but I have got to quit being lazy and plan ahead. I ALWAYS do amazing when I cook ahead and take leftovers for work. So why don't I? Just lazy. Pure and simple. So, I have got to resign myself to do that. My other obstacle that I USE as an excuse is the fact that I get in a rut and cook the same old things. So, I have got to do some research and get some fresh ideas. The easier the better of course, because too many "foo foo" ingredients and I'm not going to cook it! Pure and simple!

I am also ready for the weather to clear. I have a week old grandbaby and I need better weather so I can go see her! Actually, been trying to give mommy and daddy some alone time. Know the other grandparents are hovering because they live in the same city and I refuse to be like them. SO, gonna go next weekend and try and spoil a little!!!

Okay, that's all for the day!

Awwhhhh...Snow in the south

2011-01-21T19:24:00.000-08:00

So, we got more snow yesterday. Started while we were in school, so we had to dismiss early. At 8:00 in the morning, after the kids are at school, they decide we need to dismiss early, so they decided we would dismiss kids from school, an hour early! WTF! Are you serious? This was so stupid. Our superintendent cannot stand to call school because of weather because she's a transplant from New York. We don't have the necessary equipment to deal with snow down here. Well this snow, turned to ice real quick. Luckily we did get home in time, but when they "call" school due to weather, at the school I work in (inner city), the parents can never be reached. The new technology of have an automated system call all the parents. Are you kidding me? The parents we have dont' have the same cellphone number for more than a day at a time. The free phones they get with their food stamps only come with 250 minutes and they use that in one day. I am not exaggerating. So, its not uncommon for us to be given a new number at 8 a.m. and by noon when their precious little babies are running 101 temps, they can't be reached. The kicker? They live like 4 blocks from the school and are usually asleep in their beds. We have, on several occasions, gone to their homes to get the parents and they are asleep in bed. 9 times out of 10 when we have a child running a high fever, the parent knew it when they dropped off their child that morning. It gets frustrating. Its frustrating to see these students only wanting love, being neglected by parents who never wanted them in the first place and see them only as a means to get more of a welfare check. What a vicious cycle they live in. Its all so sad. I have much love in my heart for these students, but not for those parents!

Anyway, stuck at home again from the snow, but loving every minute of it. Didn't get to zumba yesterday or today and feel terribly sluggish because of it! Will have to zumba extra next week. My zumba buddy and I have already decided we needed some extra zumba next week to make up for it. We sure are enjoying ourselves!

The weight has stopped mainly because so has the diet. The zumba is keeping me from gaining because of the bad food choices. Last weekend had a baby shower for my daughter in law and had lots of the wrong foods. My work gave me a "grandmother to be" shower yesterday....more cake and wrong foods! OMG! Gotta get back on the bandwagon with the eating right. I need some new ideas though. I've gotten into a rut with my food!

Anyway, just checking in! The grandbaby is due Feb. 12th but the doc doesn't think she will wait that long before she makes her entrance into the world!

Peace out peeps!

With snow....brings temptation!

2011-01-09T06:10:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I went to the store yesterday, as did everyone in this town. The threat of snow is in the forecast sending us southerners to the grocery store on the hunt for bread, milk, eggs, all the staples, because Lord knows we cannot be caught in a snow storm without food. Snow storm. That's kind of funny. They really are calling for a lot of snow.............for us anyway. Temps will be low, so they are expecting the snow to stick around, which is not good. However, the upside is hopefully school will be out.

So, I was good and bought tons of good stuff for us to eat. No junk. But, of course, I ate bad yesterday. Got get that off so will exercise today, even though I hadn't planned on it. So, being cooped up in the house is never a happy thing for me. I am not a person who likes to "go", but I am a person who wants to "go" when I get damned good and ready and if the roads are bad, I won't go.

My biggest problem with the impending snow? Trying not to graze the whole time I am at home. I have lots of fruits and veggies so I am hoping my goofy self will go for them before eating anything else. I have no junk in the house, but still have things in the freezer that aren't so good for me that I just won' throw out. Trying to stay away from that. Just got to do things to keep me busy and away from food. Guess I will get started on the baby blanket for my grandchild who is due in five weeks. I also have two diaper cakes to make for her shower next weekend. That should keep me busy. But, busy enough? That's the question!

Well, that's another reason I am here writing. I have to take nexium in the mornings and can't eat for an hour, so trying to do something besides head for the fridge!!

Okay....over and out!

Doing pretty good these days.....

2011-01-07T17:02:00.001-08:00

I haven't been here for awhile......just been busy I guess. Had a wonderful Christmas!!! No traveling.....just stayed home. I love working in a school because of the time off...isn't that crazy? It's surely not because of the money!

So, I've become a zumba freak. I am really loving it. I went four times this week and right now..........extremely tired. But, the body feels good. Of course I cannot bounce around like the instructors do, I am way too big for that, but I do pretty good if I do say so myself! I am having a blast. I have a great friend/co-worker who has become obsessed as I am! We are both totally overwhelmed at ourselves because this is so out of our comfort zones. She hasn't got a weight problem. She wants to just lose a few pounds and stay active. She wants to get into a size six. Poor thing!! LOL I love her to death. I am just wishing for an 18/20. I am in a 22/24 right now and things are getting loose. This is far better than the 26/28 I was starting to cram back into. It's feeling good to see my clothes getting bigger and my body getting smaller.

I have started weight watchers online and am sticking to it so far. I didn't eat well today, but stayed within my points. That's gotta help some. I have never eaten my activity points because they don't get used online until after you use all your weekly points. That's weird to me! Anyway, I do love having fruit zero points on this new program. It pretty much makes me eat fruit. I wouldn't eat a banana because they were 2 or 3 points. Nor would I eat grapes, because they were too many points for me. I find myself heading for the fruit. Maybe this new points system will help.

As I am sitting here my back is beginning to hurt. I know I over did this week. But, I do plan to rest the ENTIRE weekend....except for the SNOW DANCES I plan to do so we can have some snow days!! Haha! Love it! That's another perk to working for the school system in the south. We can't drive on that stuff!!

Well, just wanted to check in! See ya!

Migraines

2010-11-10T10:21:00.000-08:00

So, I had a migraine that well, was by far the worst I have ever had. I have had migraines in the past, this was not like that at all. It was like an explosion. Woke me up at 3:30. I thought I was dying. Obviously ER personnel don't put that on a priority list because I sat there for three hours....in a dark room with my husband and no one ever came in to check. Anyway, had to have a shot to relieve the pain. I have never had a headache that took me to the hospital or the ER rather.

So this has side lined me for two days now, but it's getting better. Now I just feel like I have a hangover or something. The shot put me out for about 8 or 9 hours. Out like a light I tell ya.

So, feeling better, but still have a nagging pain on the right side of my head!

Peace out peeps

Just a little frustrated!

2010-11-06T15:31:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am frustrated. Not disillusioned, just frustrated. Been working out like an animal with this zumba thing. Been dieting with weight watchers. After two weeks....gained three pounds. What a pisser!!! I mean, REALLY? SERIOUSLY? Oh, I know the garbage about building muscle....blah blah blah....Had someone tell me, well one pound of muscle weighs more than one pound of fat! ARE YOU SERIOUS? One pound of muscle weighs one pound.....one pound of fat weighs one pound.......And this person was college educated and taught school for 30 years. No wonder my son never like math.

Anyway, back on the subject.....I know the physical aspects of what's going on with my body, but I'm a spoiled brat and I want to see results now!! No beating around the bush here. I am having a blast with this zumba craze. Me and two friends went to the YMCA last night to a different class. Let me just say.........IT KICKED OUR ASSES! What are we? STUPID? Yes we are! Oh we thought we were something and were gonna go to a different class and just be able to do it. NOPE....This woman, first of all, is some kind of freak...with springs built into her feet, I am sure. No one can be that damned perky and bouncy without some kind of bionic adjustments that have been made to her legs/feet. Oh, and the crunches/hip thrusts....well, if I had done that, I would've dislocated a hip or something. HOWEVER...I felt good when I was done. Could barely move, but was feeling good. Not very sore today, which is a surprise. Mostly I feel like crap today because of the sinus junk. Now zumba has helped loosen up this crap, but it hasn't helped get rid of it!!

So there's my latest on my zumba infatuation. One of the teachers I work with is now going and she was having issues with her hips.....She says she is not having near the issues. Her doctor told her to keep it up. Even if she can never do the steps like they can, she needs to just keep moving. Try it...you'll like it!

Peace out

Having a BLAST!!

2010-11-02T18:07:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have no clue how long I am going to be on this high, but I am going to enjoy it the entire time. What am I babbling about you ask? (Okay, maybe you didn't but I am going to tell you anyway) ZUMBA! It is so much fun. Even last night after packing and moving my son and his wife for two days straight. After straining my back and feeling like I couldn't move another muscle. After giving myself many, many excuses not to go............I WENT! Now, it was a struggle last night. I felt like I was running through mud (or dancing actually), but I felt AMAZING after I was finished and very proud I followed through and went to the class.

As my earlier post mentioned, I have some social anxiety issues and have had for years.....most of my life actually. The fear has always controlled my life and I can't help but think maybe, JUST MAYBE, I am beginning to control the fear. I still VERY self-conscious and I still know that I have two left feet. Now steps are getting easier and I am catching on, but several things are still hard for me, mainly because of my size. BUT THE BIGGEST AND BEST PART? I know this and I know if I keep working at this, my coordination level will rise and hopefully my size will fall!! I am still overwhelmed with the fact that I am actually doing this. I have always been the one to bow out, not get involved, watched as everyone else was having a wonderful time while I sat there wishing it were me out there. God I hope this is me stepping through a new door and finding a whole new world out there! I am tired of not doing the things that I want to do for fear of__________________. There are many things and many things could be added to that blank.

I have also noticed that my fear of speaking out, or speaking up, or talking in front of people has diminished. With work, I have no problem speaking up or standing up for myself when necessary.........So hopefully this is me standing up to myself and telling myself to quit being the wallflower and start dancing!! No longer willing to sit on the sidelines and watch my life go by. I want to be involved!

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND that anyone out there take a Zumba class. If you are worried about judgemental people...........I say "SCREW 'EM!" We have as much right to do these classes as anyone else!!

A few other things I have gotten over:

Well, I have these really ugly toes....yes I know, seems stupid, but for years and I do mean YEARS, I wouldn't wear sandals because in high school this idiot teased me about my toes. So, no cute sandals. NO pedicures. No nothing. Well, guess what? I don't care anymore. I don't like my toes anymore than I ever did, however, if you don't like them, keep it to yourself and KISS MY ASS! Okay, had to vent.

ALSO:...........I have suffered years and years and years during the summer because of my fat legs. I would not wear shorts. Mostly I wore jeans. Not any more. For about the past 5 or 6 years, I wear shorts when I want to dammit. Again, why should I be uncomfortable because of what someone might think? It's taken a lot of soul searching......a lot of getting pissed......and finally I realized I am worth doing things for me and not worrying about whether or not someone else thinks I am fat or have ugly feet or am totally uncoordinated and can't dance. Well, I'm not as uncoordinated as I thought I was......My toes, while ugly, hardly ever get noticed, and my fat thighs......guess what? not the fattest around.......So, I'm learning. It's taken 46 years...but I'm learning.~!
Peace out peeps!

Stepping out of my own comfort zone!

2010-10-29T06:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have always been a "shy" person when it comes to exercise. I only exercise at home with a DVD or walk in the neighborhood because I am so out of shape I don't want to embarrass myself. A bit of social anxiety if you will. UNTIL NOW!

I have a lot of friends at work and they have all been trying to talk me into Zumba. Well, I just knew I couldn't keep up or that because I have such a weight problem, that after 10 minutes I would have to stop. So, this past Monday night, I finally got up enough courage to go. Not have a clue what I was getting myself in for, I dreaded it all day long, but was a little excited as well. Compared to me, all of my friends are little and cute and well they just make me sick. Oh, each of them has a few pounds to lose...A FEW POUNDS! HA! I drink enough water today and I could be down a few pounds!

Anyway, so I show up.....guess what? I am not the fattest person in the room. I know that seems petty, but it did ease my anxiety a little. So, we get started. This instructor......little bitty tiny cute and bouncy, starts out show us steps and warming us up. I am like "ok, I can do this"...and I did. Then the pace picks up, and um........hey, I am keeping up. Then the pace picks up a bit more.........I look around (very little cuz you don't really have time to look around).......UM...HEY......I'm still keeping up and I am not the most uncoordinated in the room. Now, she does give us a little tiny bit of time to get water after each major song......which I have to have.....but an hour later....we are through and I am thinking "I THINK I REALLY LOVE THIS!" It was truly amazing! I had so much fun and was so excited that I could actually do this and do it for an HOUR!! OMG...this is so not me!

So, last night................I WENT AGAIN! The Thursday night class is only 45 minutes because its more face paced..........so I went in thinking "I love this...but wonder if I can keep up?" Well, I DID.........and I love it even more!

I feel so wonderful, not only on a physical level, but on a mental level as well. I am not one that likes to step out of that comfort zone much and with the anxiety issues I have dealt with all my life, this is MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR in my life.

Just wanted to share!

Just some thoughts....again

2010-10-20T17:52:00.000-07:00

So, my mind is just rambling.......so thought I would put some of it down. So, when the ediets ends (cannot afford to keep it up), I am going on Weight watchers again. I feel good about that and I don't dread it, because I guess I have already started the diet. I have made two really good muffin recipes and tried them out on co-workers who are also on weight watchers....! They were a hit! I need more easy recipes because, well I am lazy and I get bored quickly! Sometimes I am brutally honest too. Haha!

This is just a short note today! I'm back on track, back in the saddle, focused again. It feels good. Now if I can just convince myself to stick with it. That, my friends, is a WORK IN PROGRESS!

See ya :)

Headed in the right direction

2010-10-18T17:29:00.001-07:00

I am grateful for the ediets meal delivery plan that I am on. It's been EXTREMELY helpful for me to get my portions under control. They weren't WAY off actually, it was all the other snacking that I did that screwed me up.

I have lost 14 lbs in 2 1/2 weeks. I'm very proud I have stuck with it this long. I feel I am ready this time. I am already feeling better, even though tonight I am beat and not sure why. But, energy-wise at work, I am doing a lot better.

I want to keep this going. I want to get this weight off and I want food to be a priority in my life in an entirely different way. I want it to be important to me to eat healthy instead of consuming my next craving. I feel like an addict, problem is, my drug of choice is food and I can't just give it up like you can drugs and/or alcohol. So, I have to learn how to manage the food instead of allowing it to manage me. Sucks. Food is such a part of our everyday life. There's not a celebration in the south that doesn't come up with a big spread of fried, smothered in gravy, BBQ'd, and/or all of the above plus more of course! Oh yea, we had vegetables around all the years I grew up and now as well. Everything had some sort of fat in them. So, here's to teaching old dogs new tricks. I know these tricks though, I just choose to ignore them.

Well, just putting down my thoughts today. Feeling good, but tired. Feeling the strength to go on.....! No fat grandma!! Or at least not the fattest!! haha

It's Over!

2010-10-10T17:55:00.001-07:00

No, no, not the diet! The wonderful fall break that I was on! Gees people, don't go straight for the negative!! haha. I have been weighing myself a bit too much since I started this journey a week ago Friday. HOWEVER, BUT, I have lost 10 lbs. That's right. TEN (10) pounds! I'm into my 2nd week. Doing good. I have two goals for this week. Okay, wait, three.........First and foremost, I want to stay on my plan without going off. Secondly, I need to get in more water. Thirdly (is Thirdly a word?), I want to get my butt moving! Walk, do a tape, something, anything!

ALSO, I need some quick and easy recipes. After my four weeks is over, I am going to go back to dieting on my own. No more pre-made meals. So, I need some VERY EASY, I AM WAY TOO DAMNED TIRED TO COOK recipes! If anyone has a good turkey or chicken meatball recipe. I have been wanting meatballs. Go figure! My biggest challenge when I cook for myself is I end up cooking the same things over and over again, I get bored, and well, you know the rest..........all my weight comes right back on because I dove head first into a bag if chips or a bottle of coke! So, if you know some good recipes. Know someone who knows someone who knows where to find some recipes......let me know. Oh, I am also looking for a good white chicken chili recipe!

So, here's to this upcoming week. Back to work. Diet in full force. Yes, I said diet, cuz lets face it, that's what it is!

Check back later..............

A WHOLE WEEK

2010-10-08T15:16:00.000-07:00

So, I made it. I have been on this diet a whole week. That's a new record of late. Usually I go on a diet each morning and by the end of the day I've blown it! That's right...a whole week is a big deal. What else happened in that week? I lost a total of 9 lbs. Of course I am pleased!!! It is teaching me portion control. My stomach is still torn up from the changes, but I think it might be getting better.

We started some home remodeling this week. New fascia boards and soffits done. New back door put in. In two weeks, ALL new windows and vinyl siding. I feel like it's Christmas!! I will be so glad when it's all done. My dining room where the back door was replaced, now needs new sheet rock and painting. But, we need to get the outside done first, so it's lower on the priority list. After the outside is done, we will work on the inside. Replacing floors in the kitchen, dining room, two bathrooms and the living room. So, definitely when all that's over, I will have a whole new house!! I am glad. I love my little house, but boy it needs work! I am truly blessed that the hubby does all this work or there is no way in hell we could afford it.

All in all, this fall break has been great!
Peace out

Day 5

2010-10-06T18:35:00.000-07:00

Day five found me down one more pound to a loss of 8 lbs. I feel wonderful about that! The ediets meal delivery thing is working. Don't know how long I can work it (money!!!!!), but I know I committed for four weeks. Then, I have decided, I am not going off the healthy eating plan (Notice I did not say the "D" word). I am taking notes of what I am eating and my portion sizes, so when I get frustrated and and my brain is fried, I can go back to my notes and remember what was working.

So, I had lunch today with my best friend. We met at Olive Garden and I had the apricot chicken and salad. It was good. BUT.....(and yes I have a big BUTT-haha), it gave me such an upset stomach. After eating a week of food with no preservatives, etc. my stomach rebelled...........AND BIG TIME. It was not pleasant. I won't go into any more details.....TMI I realize! Nonetheless, I will have to be careful when eating out. I mean, I planned out what I was going to eat at Olive Garden, got the nutritional information and I have not gone over my daily calorie allowance, I just wasn't ready for real food yet. My best friend is so sweet, she's so excited I am on a diet. She has far less to lose than I do, but she's been doing weight watchers and she's lost over 20 lbs. and I am so happy for her too. We started WW (for the millionith time for me) on August 2nd, she's still going strong, I started cheating at two weeks. So, I have decided I will get back with WW, or something similar after my 4 weeks with this ediets stuff. As I have said before, I just needed something to jump start my weight loss efforts and I guess 8 lbs in five days is a pretty good jump start! I am really going to have to be careful regarding my stomach though. I have an "irritable" stomach anyway. Nothing that has been labeled as irritable bowel or anything, but I've had a "nervous" stomach all my life! Plus, I have been having GERD issues ever since having my hysterectomy, so the stomach issues have always been there.

I am on fall break this week and enjoying myself so much. Wish it would last longer. My husband and my son are in the home remodeling mode and put soffits and fascia boards up this past weekend and will be putting up new vinyl siding and new windows in the next two-three weeks. I will have a whole new house. Oh yea and a new back door. So, since I have no carpentry skills, I do clean up. Yay me! I hate clean up, but I did it. Wore my ass out too! I am so out of shape. Another reason to get this blubber burned off! That and I don't want to be the fat grandma! First grandbaby coming in February...gotta get some of this off!

So that's my tale for the day
Peace out peeps

So, it's been 4 days....

2010-10-04T11:51:00.000-07:00

Yep, I have dieted a WHOLE 4 days. That's a record of late! Of course, knowing that this food is costing a fortune has really helped make me stay on it. I got on the scale this morning. Not sure if I should have, but I did. Down 7 lbs. In 4 days? I'm trying not to get to "WOW-ed" by that, but it does make me feel good. Oh, and I do feel good. This not having to weigh or measure or think, I love that! Especially the thinking part. Haha. It really is giving me a sense of portion control. I am staying with this for four weeks, then have decided to go to their 5 day plan. Is it gourmet cuisine? Not really, but it's nothing like nutrisystem either. I did that before and was successful. I chose not to eat healthy when that planned ended.

Just read Debby's post (click here to read it). She talked about choices. We are all where we are at in our lives because of our choices. And a lot of those times, its the bad choices that feel so good and cause so much damage! I too would rather sit down with a bag of potato chips than pay a fortune for this diet program. They taste much better. But, I am trying to make better "choices". When wishing I had chips or pie or whatever, I am trying to change my thinking and and say do I want those chips more than I want to lose weight? You know sometimes the answer is YES! We just have to re-group and get back on track. I have a hard time with that.

Dieting right now I do not feel deprived. Do I WANT something else? Hell yes I do. Do I WANT to be healthier and thinner? HELL YES!!! Right now, 4 WHOLE days in, things are going well.

Thanks Debby for reminding me of my choices. For the most part, my choices in life have been great ones. The daily choices, like putting food in my mouth, not so great. Trying to change that!

Peace out peeps

So, here's what I decided

2010-09-25T20:12:00.001-07:00

Well, I only go two comments, but that's ok...............I haven't been here in awhile, so not too many know I'm here.

This is what I've decided. These days...I hate cooking. So, I am going to do the eDiets meal delivery program. There are no penalties if I hate it....so I'm going to give it a try. Pricey you ask? Hell yes it is. But, I'm worth it. I am going to give it a go. The thought of doing points made me nauseating.

After reading Debby's posts of late and Carlos, your recent post, I realize that I'm not alone in this struggle. I also realize that there are other poor suckers out there with all the willpower of a gnat, just like myself! WHY? Good question. Why the hell don't we stick with our diets....whatever they maybe......? WHY? Why do we quit exercising when that rush feels so damn good? WHY? Why do we stop these things that are bodies are screaming YES YES YES for.....and the first cheeseburger, or piece of pie, or bag of chips makes us feel like SHIT SHIT SHIT? No, really...WHY?

Well, my only answer would be, because I am a spoiled brat who is lazy. My answer to all of those WHY's? Because I don't want to cook something I know is good for me. Because I would rather talk to friends on facebook or take a nap than workout. Because I would rather run through a drive through than put out any effort. No thyroid problem. NO metabolism issues. No No No........I'm lazy and I DON'T WANT TO!.

So this Friday I will start on this eDiets stuff and see if I can do this. I will try yet again. Hoping for success and knowing that I can't quit trying. Wanting to feel better. Wanting to get home from work and not want to head straight for the bed or recliner for a nap. I don't usually get the nap, but I do want it!

I have no excuses.

I have hope.

I also have a granddaughter that will be born in February and I don't want to be the "fat grandma"...Ya know????

Later peeps!

Give me your opinion...

2010-09-16T18:03:00.001-07:00

Gotta get back to losing.............

Which do you like the best?

Weight Watchers
South Beach
Atkins
Jenny Craig
Nutrisystem
eDiets
eDiets freshly prepared meals
Other

Just wondered what everyone's experiences are!
Thanks!

Home from Hell!!!

2010-06-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

That's right folks..........I have been in hell! I went to the inlaws for five days and it's pure hell. My mother-in-law....I get along with fine. Love her to death. Father-in-law..................is THE MOST OBNOXIOUS MAN I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE. Actually he can be nice at times, just never to his own family. Puts the mother-in-law down on a constant basis. Of course, he's one of those that thinks everything he does is the only correct way and everyone else must be foolish for not doing things his way. Infuriating. It's so bad now that my mother in law hardly talks around him when we are there because he jumps down her throat for everything. Sad really. He goes out of his way to spend 30 minutes in a store talking to strangers, yet can't spend 5 minutes talking to his son. The worst thing about all of this, my husband has a lot of the same traits. Granted...I am doing my dead-level best to make him see how he is turning in to his Dad. He tries some of the same things...but I am by no means the push over his mother is. Oh, the mother-in-law takes up for herself a lot more these days, but you never know when that mine-field will blow! My father in law is in bad health and I guess he's on a mission to blame the whole world for it or at least make sure everyone is miserable along with him.

Oh, and then there is the sister-in-law who is the female version of my father in law, however, she never quits talking and turns every conversation to her. She also goes on and on and on about how much work she does and doesn't get paid to do....doesn't that make her a fool? It does in my eyes.

So, I have done my wifely duties (no pun intended) and gone to visit the in laws. Thank goodness they are three states away or we might have to see them more often.

There's no place like home............There's no place like home..................There's no place like home (insert the heel-clicking of Ruby Slippers here)

:)

I love summer......

2010-06-19T11:33:00.000-07:00

So, I am out of school and loving the summer. It is a really short summer this year because I chose to do an extra program at school that lasted two weeks after my normal stopping time and the fact that they changed the calendar and we are going back even earlier than usual. The downside is having to go back earlier, the upside is the fact that we have a longer fall break and a couple other days added. I like it myself.

So, summer is so relaxing and I enjoy being home so much. I actually cook all the time. This is giving me the opportunity to cook much healthier and I like that. I have been basically following weight watchers since Wednesday of this week and I feel so much better. Why do we do this to ourselves? I know I don't have the answer, other than laziness. My only other problem with summer is I am at home a lot and that makes me want to eat. Granted the foods I am eating are much healthier......I just stay hungry more when I am at home!! Such is life!

I really hate that there are several people who have fallen off the wagon as I have, however, it is nice knowing I am not alone! To those blogging friends.......all we can do is keep trying. We know what to do.......we just get side tracked!

Amy over at Rebuilding Amy is having a contest. Here is a link to take a look at her blog ...click HERE...to see what she's doing!

Major absence

2010-06-04T18:36:00.000-07:00

Yes, okay, so I have been gone awhile. Mainly because I haven't been dieting. But most of you knew that already. We all know when people aren't blogging well they aren't usually on program....any program! I am no exception!

I am sitting here knowing I need to diet as I drink my regular, totally caffeinated coke! I mean, I have to have the leaded version....not unleaded! So, I am kind of teetering back and forth as if I were on a see-saw when it comes to dieting. I am gonna diet, I'm not gonna diet.....I am gonna diet....I'm not gonna diet. Of course, my lard ass always brings the see-saw down on the side of not dieting! How could it not?

Anyway, One more week of my summer program and then I get my summer break. It will only be 4 1/2 weeks this year. That's not enough!!!!!!!!!!!! I am going to try and eat healthier during those 4.5 weeks.

Just checking in again. Life is good here at the moment....just need to get back with some kind of dieting so I can get back into my clothes!

Love me some sunshine!!!!

2010-02-21T12:59:00.000-08:00

Okay, so the sun is out and its 65 degrees here. I am loving this. While I like winter and snow and all, have been feeling a blah and sure am enjoying today's sunshine. It maybe short-lived as we have thunderstorms moving into the area, but I sat outside and got some vitamin D and boy does it make you feel better. It's amazing what a little sun does for your peace of mind and your energy levels. My prayer today is that everyone lets a little sunshine in today (literally and figuratively).

Diet going slow, but still going. Lost 8 lbs. total and while it's not as fast, I'm not really trying as hard either...so it's my own fault. I am feeling good and doing more and moving more, so this is a plus for me. Eating better, but not the best. I know I can do better, and I shall!!!

Just a little check-in..........!! May you all have sunshine in your lives today!

SUPER-SIZED Super Bowl!

2010-02-08T17:34:00.001-08:00

Yep, that's right! Nothing was in normal amounts or portions. We had it all. Fried everything was on the menu! Mexican food. Chicken wings. Chinese steamed dumplings (more for the hubby). Lil smoked sausages. Southwestern egg rolls. Chips of all sorts and my favorite Coca Cola! Of course. No, I wasn't watching portion sizes or calories obviously, but I didn't pig out as I usually do. I just couldn't. I am glad I couldn't. I was miserable enough, but somehow, I got a signal that said stop. I don't usually get that signal..........well I might get it but I obviously have learned to tune that damned thing out!! Oh, I forgot the football cupcakes......which were scrumptious! It was all good and I probably gained, but we had a good time and my team won, so hey it was worth it!!!

I usually love the colts and Peyton Manning (he went to UT and so did my son)...but a young man from my son's high school who also was closer to his age and went to UT as well was on the saints team. He is a hometown boy so we had to root for him!! He ALMOST made an interception in the end zone during the last two minutes of the game, but his foot was out of bounds....DARN!

Anyway all is good in the world at the moment. The son and daughter in law are working things out. She is feeling better and in a better frame of mind. Had another snow day today, which is always good for those of us who work for a school system. Of course, the snow came, melted, and the rest of the day was great. BUT, now the snow is back and the superintendent won't go ahead and call schools this evening, she is waiting until the morning because basically, she was made a fool of today. We should've been in school! I feel like crapola, so I enjoyed having the time off and would like another please!! Got a cold/cough from somewhere and could use another do nothing day!

Anyway, gonna go for now!

Carlos...you will be missed...YAY...Pixie is back

2010-02-03T13:56:00.000-08:00

Okay, so today I got on and was reading blogs, etc. So, I go down to my blog roll and click on Carlos's blog....it's not there! NO!!!!! Yes, I knew he was going to do it, but he will be missed. So, Carlos, if you read this......Miss You Bud!!! You brought a lot of humor and honesty our way and we will all be sad not having your words of wisdom everyday. I know you are emotionally exhausted and the blog just drains you even more, but again, we have all lost a little bright spot in our day without you!

Okay, also so glad that the little pixie is back from her cruise. I hate that she didn't have a good time, but hey, reading about her adventures definitely brightened the day....even though the cruise sucked.

I have been trying to read more blogs to get inspiration from all of you. I have been looking over this blog....wow, she has some great recipes! Thanks TJ!

It's amazing that there are so many of "US" out there in the same boat (No pun intended Carlos). Sometimes our boat is a little leaky, but hey, we're in it together. Thanks to all of you for opening up your life and allowing others to be inspired!

Despair update

2010-01-30T13:55:00.001-08:00

So early in my posts I talked about some despair that had come down on our family. Things in that area aren't all that much better. Actually, in my opinion they are worse. My daughter-in-law had a miscarriage today. I had allowed myself to get excited and it does hurt. I hurt for her because she was really excited. I hurt for my son, because he was NOT and now has guilt feelings over it all. This was part of my despair earlier, and though I have told you some of what has happened, there is a whole lot more attached to this I won't go into. Though my son was not too happy about this situation, he had just come around to the fact he was going to be a daddy and the rug gets pulled out from under him. Well, I pray for him and his wife. I know the pain of miscarriage as I had one between my two sons. It's a very empty, lonely feeling and no one has any words that can help. I just hope no one tells her the things they told me when I had my miscarriage. Well-meaning individuals told me "God has a reason for everything.....or......it's just for the best.........or you are young you can have another baby" All these words are well-meaning and are said with love and concern, but from someone who has been there, these words only make you mad. People who have miscarriages are treated as though they shouldn't be mourning something they never had. I disagree. You bond with your child from the moment you know you are pregnant. I know I did. He/She is already a part of you. Yet, people forget that. They don't understand what the mourning is about. A stillborn baby is given a death certificate, yet a miscarried baby is not. I never understood that. Never will. All I know is my daughter-in-law is going through something very sad and very emotional and my wish for her is that well-meaning relatives and friends will allow her the time to grieve for the child she lost. The future she lost. You make plans. You envision yourself as a mom. In your mind, you fantasize about the family you are going to have. So, not only do you mourn the loss of a child, you mourn the loss of a future. Having to tell people you've miscarried is the hardest thing at this time. No one knows what to say and they usually don't say the right things. I hope my son can be supportive and allow her the time mourn in her own way. She will be weepy for awhile, I was. She will not understand when she sees someone with six kids that they obviously don't want. She will be mad and not understand why God could do this. These were some of the things I felt as well. I haven't told her, but she will get through this. Today is not the day for that. You do get passed it. You do quit hurting. For me the birth of my next child helped a lot. Don't know if that's in the cards for them though. We will see.

So, just wanted to share some of the despair with you here. Thanks!

Snowed In!

2010-01-29T07:43:00.000-08:00

Yep, that's right people! Snow again here in the south! I love it because I get out of work/school today! That's the blessing side. The curse side is......snow here brings the entire town to a stand still. Now, I don't drive on this stuff unless it's an emergency, but I have driven on it and I have some common sense, drive slow, try my best to stay away from other drivers, etc. Still hate it though. Makes me a nervous wreck.

So, the problem today, and the rest of the weekend as the temps aren't going anywhere so neither is the snow, is the face that I am stuck in the house with all this food. I have some weight watcher things and some 100 calorie things, but this kind of weather usually sends me to the fridge. I am trying. Typing this blog is helping Crocheting a baby blanket helps (everyone at work seems to be pregnant). Making baby diaper cakes, a new hobby, (see picture here)

I just have to keep busy, obviously. Plus the Mt. St. Helen's of laundry in the laundry room will hopefully keep me from eating bad. I am feeling better and definitely want to continue this "downward" trend.

:)

First Week WI

2010-01-27T17:38:00.001-08:00

Okay, so it's really not my first week, however, after the vacation it's my first week. A "do-over". Anyway...........drum roll please..........lost 6.4!! WOOHOO!

Just wanted to stop in and share! Thanks for the support!

Day two....

2010-01-22T15:43:00.000-08:00

Okay, so far so good. Planned things out. Did pretty good. Walked at work this morning. I like getting it out of the way for the day early in the morning, however, yesterday I walked after school yesterday and I had tons of energy when I got home. So, hmmmmmmmm, why not do it in the morning and after work? Might have to start doing that!

I planned out my lunch and dinner and put it in my journal immediately. It helped me stay OP for the day because it was already written down. Had roast for dinner. Not much meat when you eat roast, but it was still good!

Okay, just thought i would put down my progress. That seems to help too. I need more recipes. I need to do some searching of everybody's blogs because I know there are some awesome people out there with great recipes!

Peace out peeps!

Here we go again!

2010-01-21T16:52:00.001-08:00

Okay, so we are back from the mountains! What a beautiful time we had. Sure was nice getting away from work, stress, kids (even though they are grown).....just me and the hubby! We both are so relaxed (of course sex does that for you). Of course it was back to work today.....think I have my "TWITCH" back! Haha

So, I started WW AGAIN. I am sure there will be times I go off, go on, go off, go on, go off......etc., but I can't quit. So, here I am again! I am doing WW online. Me and a girl at work are doing WW. She's just doing it on her own, I already have an online subscription, so may as well put it to use. So, today was a good day. I didn't like my starting number, but oh well....sucks don't it!! I made a good dinner tonight and made me some lunch for tomorrow. Planning always helps. I am NOT good at that. I am very bad about waking up, rushing out the door, and then come lunchtime at work, it's OH CRAP.....don't have a good lunch and I screw up! That's just me!

So, just checking in since I had to come back to the real world!

Going Away.....

2010-01-13T17:45:00.001-08:00

So, the hubby and I are going out of town for a few days. Leaving the grown up sons, the house guest and the five dogs and one cat at home while we get away to celebrate our anniversary that was in December. See, when we were young and in love we just couldn't wait another day, week, month, year, to get married so, we foolishly ran off and got married two days after Christmas. Merry Christmas! So, of course, in the 27 years that I have been married, we hardly ever get to do anything for our anniversary....so when we can, the stars align, or whatever....we celebrate in January. So, it's off to the mountains for a five days. No kid(s), no work, no problems, no stress. Just some beautiful mountains to stare at from the hot tub!! WOOHOO>>>YAY!

So, just thought I would say bye for a few days! See ya!

A little lighter

2010-01-07T19:40:00.001-08:00

Okay, so things are a little lighter today. The emotional stress and me as well! LOL I started dieting (so to speak) last week on Thursday and today was my first WI day. I haven't been following WW until two days ago. Just cut out sugar, white flour, junk food, etc.. Making a conscious effort to eat vegetables and fruits. Basically that's all I've done and I lost 2.2 lbs. Yay! So, happy with that, especially since it hasn't been anything strict or in a tidy little box (so to speak of course)

As for my ongoing family struggles, they are still ongoing, but things are a little lighter. Prayer helps so much and even though there are some who don't think it works, I am a true believer that it does. It certainly has for me. Me being the planner that I am, I have difficulty sitting back and waiting for things to happen. The terribly heart-wrenching pain I felt in my earlier post, well isn't so heart-wrenching, but it's still there. Slowly it's being replaced by anxiety.

My father was/is an alcoholic and I went to "al-a-teen" as a teenager and well, many, many times a day I find myself saying the serenity prayer........most especially the part "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"...Boy that's a hard one for me! Slowly, though, he is granting it! The wisdom to know the difference doesn't come easy for me either....but that's just me! LOL

I truly have so many friends (including those of you here) that are supportive, even though I haven't told them what I am going through, they are magically here for me anyway. God is good!

Now, the "Courage to change the things I can" comes in to play with me everyday with this weight issue that I've pretty much had for the better part of my life. Courage. It takes a lot of courage sometimes to ignore what you want and do what you must. I must do something about this weight, other than watch it go up! So, slow and steady wins the race....well, I am racing then!

Thanks again for all of the prayers!

Work helps! What?

2010-01-05T19:37:00.000-08:00

So, back at work after the long vacation. Ok, not a long vacation, a very short one. Started back yesterday. Just teachers, no students. Kids started today. Everything went smooth yesterday and today. It was quite refreshing.

Best of all....work kept my mind of my issues with my son. I don't really know what to do. Things are "stable" I guess you could say. Your child hurts, no matter what age, you hurt. As a mom, that's one of the hardest things. I keep praying and that has brought me much peace. I know God has a plan. Me being such a neurotic "planner" myself, I truly have a hard time letting someone else do the planning and me not knowing what's in store......but I have to learn to give to God and let him plan things out. It's part of my own series of control issues I guess! I am not really a control freak, more of a person who doesn't like surprises. Another reason why these issues are driving me nuts. I am trying though. I really am. I am praying for God's help with my own neurotic issues as well as the issues going on with my son and my family! All of you who have sent prayers this way are truly another blessing in my life!

As for food! Two days and counting people! Started WW yesterday (online) and I always have a readjusting period with my stomach when I start eating right again, it's been tough, but not like REAL TOUGH. Just a little upset tummy! I feel better though in spite of that.

I try not to be a down in the dumps person. I got very emotional over the weekend due to "issues" of course, and the hubby didn't understand. He says he hates to see me that way. Yes, I hate getting that way. But, I had my moment, it made me feel better, and now I can think straight! Sometimes you need a meltdown to make things brighter! LOL AT least I do! No, I'm not crazy! No, that's not a twitch! No no....I am perfectly sane! LOL

Thanks!

Still struggling......but feel blessed

2010-01-03T20:19:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to say thank you to all of you who commented and/or emailed me. Knowing there are such caring people out there, who don't even know me or my family and are praying for us.....warms my heart immensely. I know that through God, all is possible and I am truly hanging on to that at the moment.

Without going in to any details, it's regarding my oldest son and a struggle that he is in, which in turn trickles down to the family. He hurts, I hurt. Unfortunately, some of his hurt, he brought on himself. Not all, mind you, but I am a fair enough person to realize he's not perfect. Please continue to pray for him and our family!

God loves him and all of us. I know this. I know he will "stir" this mess and make something beautiful out of it!

Debby, you are amazing! Thanks again!

Struggling

2010-01-02T19:18:00.000-08:00

No, I am not struggling with food issues....I'm struggling with heartache and despair and I'm not sure how to handle it. I know it's nothing I've ever felt before. It's not something I am going to delve into here, but please, if you are the praying kind, keep my family in your prayers.

I know God works miracles and am praying for one. I know he doesn't put more on us that we can handle. I am a true believer. How do you handle, though, when someone you are praying for just might not be a believer, but definitely needs Him more than anything right now?

I've truly never felt this heavy despair every in my life that I am feeling right now. One of the reasons I know it's such despair? I am sick, nauseous, can't eat. Now, when I can't eat, it's something rather heavy~ I am not trying to make light of this, I couldn't, sometimes humor helps. At least usually does in our family.

My God continue to watch over us with all that He is.
Thanks for reading!
Just had to put down some thoughts before I exploded!

New Year's Eve

2009-12-31T18:01:00.001-08:00

OH, on the edge of a new year. It's all full of hope and excitement. At least for me! I have had some ups and downs this past year, but I must say more ups than downs. We had no major crises in our family. My weight loss....well sucked this year. But I'm still here and I'm happy and and I'm determined to work on that.

I realize every year it's the same thing. My New Year's Resolution is to guess???? lose weight. Well, I'm doing it again. My New Year's resolution IS to lose weight. AGAIN..........and AGAIN.............and AGAIN........and maybe one day it will take. you know? I don't want to give up.

I will be starting anew this weekend. My work week begins again on Monday. I have been off for two weeks and have thoroughly enjoyed all the seasonal food and parties and more food and more parties and well, it's time to stop it and get back to where I need to be. I want to feel good. That's all. Okay, well, that's not all. I want to look good. I want to be healthy. I want ........IT ALL BABY! And well, I am the only one that can do it.

So, here I am again. I'm like my pixie friend.....my weight watcher's membership had to go. But, I know she knows the program backwards and forwards. We probably ALL do, so why is it we can't do this ourselves? Well, I think we all have a different answer for that. Mine is, I just don't think I want to! I find it much easier to do this with other people. Does that mean going to meetings, etc. with others. No, not necessarily. It means knowing we aren't alone in this.

I will do this again. I want to. Yes, I want to. This time next week, I may be saying something else. WHO KNOWS! I know one thing......it won't happen if we don't keep trying. SO, put your big-girl panties on and get to it. Or your big-boy boxers....whichever! JUST DO IT.......!

Thanks to those who have stopped by and read my blog even though I have kind of fallen off the face of the earth at times. It's not because I am ashamed of my efforts, Im really not. It's because I have been way too busy and well, facebook has taken up a lot of my time too!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! May God continue to bless me and my family and may he Bless You and Yours just as much!

Awwwwhhhhhhh! Vacation

2009-12-21T16:44:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it's official....I am on vacation. What I lovingly call CHRISTMAS BREAK, but of course, the public school system for which I work, calls it "winter break". W/E... You work at the school where I work, you know there is prayer in school. No way we could make it through one day without it!!

So two weeks off. Think I have all the presents ready. Have to shop for the dinner. Yay! Lately, I have come to a new conclusion.............I HATE COOKING. Yep that's right. I hate it. I especially hate it because everyone in my household thinks it magically appears out of my ass I guess (gosh I hope not, that would be gross)..Anyway, if I cook what I want, then no one likes it anymore even though they have eaten it for 20 some-odd years. I get so tired of trying to think about what others want for dinner. I can't make up my own mind. At work, around lunchtime, it's truly hilarious watching all of us women trying to make up our minds about what we want for lunch. Truly amazing! Once, just ONCE...I want my husband or my son to go to the grocery store, shop for the week, prepare meals for everyone and have everyone like what you cook. It's NOT F=ING POSSIBLE!

So, Christmas is a few days away. I have many blessings in my life that I am truly happy about....so why is it this time of year gets me down? I have no reason. No heartache around this time. No loved ones lost. Just my own inadequacies I guess. I always get the feeling of not doing enough, not having enough, not giving enough, not being enough. But, again, these are all in my head and I seriously have no real reason for being depressed. So, what am I trying to do to make things cheery around here? Cook......I hate cooking these days, but cooking at the holidays seems like a tradition with the homemade cookies and candy, cheeseballs and chex mix, pies and cakes, casseroles.......you get the picture and not a one of them low fat and/or healthy! That always makes you feel good, right? NOT!

So, for all of you out there in the same boat (thanks Carlos), hang on.....this boat might be sinking, but I think we can make to shore!!

26 and 21 HAPPY BIRTHDAY

2009-12-01T17:55:00.001-08:00

Yep, that's right. 26 years ago today AND 21 years ago today I gave birth. My son Dustin was born 26 yrs. ago today and Owen was born 21 yrs. ago today. Not planned that way...totally spontaneous events...........from conception to birth!! LOL

They are the best things that ever happened to me. They are as different as daylight and dark. That's what makes them terrific. The oldest is the more scholarly, book-nerd (an Affectionate term) and the youngest is more of the get your hands dirty type of kid. I was always destined to be a mom. I love being a mom...from 2 a.m. feedings to helping with homework, little league, band, girls, broken hearts, a marriage...you name it. It's the most amazing thing in the world....and the most stressful, the most rewarding...the most infuriating....you get the point.

There are times I look back and think I could've done this better or that better. Why didn't we do this? Did I warp my child for life? Who knows. What I do know is that I spent their entire lifetimes doing what I (we --- husband and me) thought was in their best interests.

I am truly blessed. They are two wonderful men now. I couldn't be more proud! I love them with all my heart!

Thanksgiving.............

2009-11-28T18:38:00.001-08:00

I have so much to be thankful for. I do love Thanksgiving. I have two beautiful sons. One is married....the other has a steady girlfriend. I love them all. But, I must say, I love having Thanksgiving at my house....to some degree. I know I am selfish. What can I say.

My son had Thanksgiving at his house and his wife (and him as well) did a wonderful job with the Thanksgiving dinner. The turkey was marvelous. I must say though, I like my Thanksgiving traditional dinner items. Her parents brought some things that I just didn't care for....and well, it made things stressful. That and we are just not the same type of people, from very different backgrounds...they are about 15 years older than we are, and have very very very different views on the world and what is in it. So, there wasn't much talking going on. I wouldn't go so far as to say I don't like them.... I don't know them well enough to like or dislike....I do know enough to know we are "different" and it makes for awkward moments.

My oldest son has always been a different soul than his parents. We are down to earth....he so desperately is trying to find out who he is, not having a clue where to look. Things are strained for him and his wife and I can tell. He is still in school..she is working. That causes stress right there. I love my son, but he has become someone I don't know at all. We are down to earth and he isn't any more. IT makes things hard sometimes...but I do it because I love him dearly! I think what hurts the most is he seems more comfortable with his in-laws than he does his own family. I won't say it doesn't hurt...it does. But, I know that he has to find his own way in the world. Of course, it doesn't help that he lives right next door to them and they are very dominating people. Oh well. We will work through this too.

They did have a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner at their house which is far more formal than we ever do at ours. My youngest son (21 yrs. old) said, I like Thanksgiving at our house where you are allowed to be yourself and be comfortable. Now, that did make me feel good.! I didn't over eat though, because basically, I didn't like most of what they cooked. I liked the turkey that the daughter in law cooked. That was really good. I liked the sweet potato casserole and the squash casserole.....because I made it. So, at least most of the dinner was good. And I made the pumpkin pie, which, if I do say so myself, was wonderful! But, luckily for me, they kept all the leftovers! No overeating for me!!! That was a good point on this Thanksgiving.

So, today......my hubby, my youngest son and his girlfriend, and myself went to do some shopping. We bought a ladder and put it in the back of the truck. So, when we get to the house, my son goes to get the ladder out of back of the truck, it slips out of his hand.....just a little.......and it hits the back window of my truck and SHATTERS the back window. Of course, glass goes everywhere! AND OF COURSE, no one is open to come and replace it today, we will have to wait until Monday. So, in the middle of this tiny crisis, my oldest son texts me to tell me that his car had been broken into last night by someone ....... they knocked out the driver's side window, stole his GPS, CDs and his good coat. Isn't that ironic? Or whatever it is!!! I guess you just have to laugh...now don't you?

I guess I could say that made for a bad Thanksgiving weekend....but not really. These things happen. If I let all the little stuff get me down...I would be down all the time, now wouldn't I?

Peace out peeps!

Not much to report

2009-11-21T21:19:00.000-08:00

Not dieting....but not gaining....so I guess that's good, huh? Not stressing over it either. That is good. Work is crazy. I don't know if its the upcoming holidays or what, but the kiddos have gone crazy at school! Not just bad...........crazy! Had one student tell me the other day that the reason he was being so bad was because his regular teacher had taken the day off and when she did that...."it broke the spell", and "it's all her fault". He was drop-dead serious! Her being absent broke the spell that she put him under.....it was a "good behavior" spell and she broke it. This is a 9 year old kid. Crazy!

He's one of MANY that were just out of control...for the past two weeks. I am still walking as I believe its relieving a lot of my stress. Some days its a fast 20 minutes...others is a medium-paced 30 or so. I am a fast walker, so my medium is probably others fast. I only have one friend who walks almost as fast as me. My husband hates walking with me.....he wants to stroll...or what I call stroll....I want to walk exercise...not to pass the time. He is a stroll-er!

So, just checking in. Trying to get through the holidays. I love them and dislike them all at the same time. I love the family aspect - hate the commercialization of it all.

Keep in touch!

Sometimes you just have to......

2009-11-03T17:22:00.001-08:00

take some time for yourself. I had some errands I needed to run today, so I went in to work and took a half day off. My work was more than caught up and of course a lot of it has been done in advance...that's how I roll....so, I thought, beautiful day, I have some errands I need to run.......take the rest of the day off. So I did. Did my errands. It only took an hour, which I thought it would take longer. Then, went and had a pedicure. A luxury, I know, but it is so relaxing and something I like to do for myself. Then I came home, took a short nap....then took my son to dinner. The hubby is working. Sometimes you just have to do what you need to do for yourself! Today was one of those days.

Been walking everyday, and well..it feels great. Am upping my time every day. Started out at 15 minutes....now at 30.....It is really helping my attitude and my health. Plus, it helps me gain some more energy......so I am not totally tired when I get home at night.

My stomach issues are doing well at the moment. I am so happy about that. I am still eating well, so that helps. Apples or bananas for breakfast. They keep me from having problems all day. Still laying off the tomato based stuff, onions, and most spicy stuff. That's helping too. Not losing like i want, but am eating right and feeling better.......that's my main concern at the moment!

I told myself I would have a great day today...............and I did. How wonderful is that?

WE ARE WORTHY/A rant of sorts...........

2009-10-22T19:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this hot mama got me to thinking after I read her post today...........(I know, very dangerous -- but she is so insightful, it got me thinking).

Why is it, in our society, that we (WE being those of us who are WEIGHT CHALLENGED!!) feel like we don't deserve to go to the beach to have a good time? Why is it we feel like we have to cover up, cower down, not get involved, stay in the corner...you get the point? Debby said for the first time in her life she was at ease at the beach wearing her bathing suit. Not caring what she "looked like" but just getting out there and doing what she wanted to do without a thought about "Oh, I better cover up before I go to the beach"....Or "I can't go to the pool in just my bathing suit". Guess what? WE ARE WORTHY! We really are! It's not the "pretty people" beach. Or resorts, or spas or any other vacation spot or fun spot. They aren't the only ones allowed to enjoy their lives. We are put in such a box, that we don't realize WE ARE WORTHY!

Don't get me wrong.................WE ARE THE MASTERS OF OUR OWN SHIPS..........No one else can put us in that box unless we allow them to do it. But, in the society in which we live, we are supposed to be ashamed....so ashamed that we stay inside....we sit on the sidelines......NOT ANY MORE PEOPLE! I want to enjoy my life.

This summer, though I wasn't as free out on the beach as Debby may have been, I did have an "I don't care" attitude when it came to being in the bathing suit. Debby has lost a lot of weight and deserves all the praises that comes with it. Me, not so much. HOWEVER, I am WORTHY! I got two new bathing suits this year, which my husband loves I might add. (They really show off the "girls" if you know what I mean?). So, I proudly wore my bathing suit this summer. I enjoyed the beach for the first time like I have never done before. I didn't care who was around. I was there for me....not for them. I went swimming when I damn well pleased. I didn't wait for the pool to be less crowded because I was embarrassed. Nope, I did what I wanted to on my vacation FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.... It was a good feeling and I appreciate my friend for writing on this topic, because it brought up some good memories from my summer vacation.

Again, I give credit to my blogger friend for pointing this out. She's amazing. If you've noticed lately, I have given her lots of "kudos" here on my blog. Well, first of all, its because I truly respect the effort she has made to change her life. How could you not? I also get so much inspiration from her blog. She's honest. She tells it like it is. She doesn't tell you that you have to lose weight her way or you're not going to succeed. She just shares her journey with us. Thanks AGAIN DEB!

Super Sunday

2009-10-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

So, I woke up this morning to a beautiful day! The sun is shining. Its brisk, not cold outside. Getting ready to take a little walk with my little dog that I spoke about in my last post.

I must say, my little changes are making a world of good. I know me, will I keep it up? Who knows, but I am going to enjoy the moment. I have spent way too many days, hours, moments in my life wishing I had done things differently or being down on myself for not doing it the way everyone else says I should. I am going to enjoy this day, without guilt!

I woke up this morning and had an apple and cottage cheese for breakfast while the hubby had bacon and eggs. Guess what? I didn't want the bacon and eggs. I had squash and lima beans for lunch. No meat. In the south, I think that's a sin, but I love veggies! Don't get me wrong, I could never be a vegetarian, but I love just veggies sometimes!

I seem to be handling my stomach issues with changing some of my diet and some acid reflex medicine. I feel it bothering me some this morning. I never have burning heartburn, I just get a feeling of something stuck in my throat and an odd feeling on the right side of my chest. So, anyway, I have managed it rather well. Going to see how this works for now. I cannot afford some unnecessary tests at this point. The hubby had a kidney stone last month and we had to take him to the ER, and while we have fairly good insurance, just looking at the bill made me hyperventilate! So, gonna try to self medicate. If things get worse, of course, I will go in. My PC knows what's going on and wants me to see a GI doctor...but right now, it will have to wait.

Well, just checking on for the day. Love yourself no matter what. Self loathing only makes things worth. Take it from me! When I look in the mirror, I truly get pissed at myself and wonder how I let myself get here. I know how I got here. So, I stay away from the mirror. At least for one day. A day to just love myself and say, to hell with what the mirror says, I am beautiful!

Baby It's Cold Outside!

2009-10-16T11:29:00.001-07:00

Where did this come from? The high is only 53 today? It's cold...at least to me! But, I am snuggled up in my chair with my fuzzy socks on and my fuzzy fleece pants enjoying my fall break. I truly do like this kind of weather. Snuggling weather, just wish the hubby was home to snuggle with. It's dreary looking, windy, and cold..all the ingredients for a hot chocolate (sugar free of course) and chili kind of evening! Ooh, chili, good idea!

Took my little dog walking with me yesterday and I must say, she and I both enjoyed it. I had my iPod going and I have two songs I play back to back because they are fast and upbeat and it makes me walk faster...well, I thought the poor thing was going to trip over her tongue! LOL We both felt better for it though. She's getting a little round, as am I, except in my case its ROUND-ER! It felt really great. I have been running my mom all over town this morning so haven't ventured out for my walk yet today. I have decided that I am going to do what makes me feel good. As I have said before, I have a tendency to be the "all or nothing" girl and just quit when I cannot achieve perfection, so I'm realizing perfection is what I make it out to be, not what someone else says I have to do. There are many, many, many more motivated people than little ole me in this world and I find myself feeling like I can't compete, like I can't do it to their level, so how could I ever be successful? Well, wait a minute. This is my life, my weight problem, my eating problem, why don't I do things MY WAY? Can you say duh? I am 45 years old. Why haven't I got this before? SO, I'm not perfect. Never will be, so quit trying. Does that mean I don't need to try harder at my weight loss efforts and exercise efforts? Well, of course not. What it means is I need to do what's right for me and quit trying to do someone else's program. Or think that because I can't do 200 crunches everyday that my efforts are all in vain!

So, here's to me! I am doing MY THANG from now on. Does that mean I will eat cake? Probably. Does that mean I will have potato chips? Probably. Does this mean I will quit trying and quit struggling with my weight issues? Never. So, I am going to try daily to make better choices and I am going to walk for 15 minutes since it makes me feel better. And oh, I will walk for 30 like I did yesterday because I had more energy. Or I will eat apples in the morning because it helps my stomach. I may have had an epiphany, or NOT.....But, what I do know is I am going to quit measuring myself with everyone else's tape measure!!

Love ya peeps!

A better (yet crazy) day!

2009-10-14T17:02:00.000-07:00

Well, today was quite a crazy day at work. I mean, CRAZY PEOPLE EVERYWHERE! But, I survived without choking not one of them. Aren't you proud? I seriously wanted to. I seriously did. No one even had to hold me back, even though I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to. Crazy.

Because of my stomach issues, eating just hasn't had its "allure" that it usually does. I realize I need to get it taken care of, and I will, but it has lead to me losing 4 lbs. Granted its four pounds I am losing AGAIN but its better than gaining and I am going to pat myself on the back for that. I have also started walking in the mornings again and I must say, its already making me feel better.

SO, I ask (mostly myself) why do I always quit doing the exercise when it makes me feel so much better? WHY OH WHY? I guess its because "I ain't got sense God gave a goose". Pretty much. Yes its an old southern saying my grandmother used to say. Gotta love it. So, just from walking 15 minutes in the gym before work, I have gained a lot of energy. I am proud of myself for that.

I am also changing one bad habit at a time! I started going by Sonic every morning and getting either a croisonic and a diet cherry sprite. Oh, I thought I was doing good because of the diet cherry sprite. OH how we try to deceive ourselves. Anyway, I changed that routine to a routine of a banana or and apple and a protein cereal bar (I do better with protein than with carbs) and I usually drink water. So, I figure, overhauling one meal at a time has got to help. It seems to have helped a little. I unfortunately tend to go all gung ho and dive in head first into anything I try and well with diets, I tend to quit them shortly thereafter because I didn't ease myself into. So this is me "easing". Good luck with that, right?

I want to shout out to one of my most inspirational gal pals. Now, she and I have never met. We are sisters at heart through our weight issues and I must say, she always has a supportive word or a "get off your ass and do something" type advice, which I desperately need. Thank you Debby!!! You are amazing and I want to be you when I grow up.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

Still around......still struggling......but doing ok!

2009-10-12T19:40:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to say I am still around! Sorry, I quit writing. I need to get back to it, I realize, but life well..........got in the way. No other excuses. Been struggling with dieting which is my life's story....! Been struggling with my #2 son, who has dropped out of college again. What to do? Who knows? WORK is crazy as usual, and fun. Who knew changing up the office configuration (people wise) would make such a positive change. In the 7 years I have worked in my office, it has never been this calm....maybe its because two of the major drama queens left. One had a baby and decided to stay home with her and the other, whom we thought would never ever leave, took a different job. Who knew? All I know is, it left us a person short in my office, however, you can't tell it. What does that say? Well, it says that the person who left, obviously isn't missed because well, she was dead weight anyway!

Going through some stomach issues. Doctors are thinking GERD (acid reflux) and/or hiatal hernia. Who knows. All I know is, why am I not losing weight when I eat half what I was eating two months ago? Even started walking again. No movement in the scale. The food I am eating, terribly bland stuff, low fat, pretty much no sugar except for some sherbet. So....you would think a pound, maybe two down. Nope, not me! Oh well. I really am not discouraged. I don't have time to be!

Though I seem to be going through some "issues" I really don't feel like I am. I am the type to internalize my problems and maybe that's why the stomach issues, but who knows. The things that bother me shouldn't and the thinks I should get bothered about, I don't. I've always been backwards!

Life with the hubby is good, we are both just so tired all the time. He works like a dog and stress seems to take its toll on me. We are taking time to do things together, without the overgrown child still living at home!!!!

Just wanted to update and put down a few thoughts. If you read this, thanks! I appreciate it!

Trying so hard

2009-08-23T11:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, to say I have been struggling since I started doing WW again is an understatement. But, its my own fault. I listen to the voices in my head when they tell me just to grab something on the way home instead of cook something, etc..... So today being Sunday....I decided I was going to cook some soup for the week that will help me stay OP. Cooking broccoli cheese (2 pt. per cup) and taco soup (1 pt. per cup). They always help when I have a hunger attack and there is nothing else around. Just heat and serve...ya know?

I have lost 8 lbs. total. I am disappointed with that, but I know I shouldn't be. I have been way over stressed at work and not eating like I should. I am still hoping for the lottery so I can shed the work and get rid of the stress..........but since that ain't likely to happen.......I guess I am going to have to do something else to manage that stress......Yes, you all know what the answer is. You have all TOLD me what the answer is..........EXERCISE. Whew, what a dirty word! I always like it when I get started but no matter how long I have done it, it is still a chore. I long to be one of those gym rats who love working out. Whose endorphins take over and you get a high from working out. No, that's never happened to me! Oh well. It is an absolutely chore every time I do anything "scheduled" for exercise. Do I always feel great afterwards? Hell yes! I always feel great when I have started back on WW too, but my fat friend inside my head always screws that up for me! LOL

So, this week, I am planning ahead thanks to this woman! I read her blog as often as I can. She is an amazing inspiration!

Peace out peeps...Gonna go stir the soup!

An Update!

2009-08-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

Here's a little update! Work is going somewhat better. The chaos that is the beginning of the school year has died down somewhat and we are beginning to get into a routine. I have two new people in the office with me and training them at the beginning of the year hasn't been easy...but it's getting better.

So, in a week and a half, I have lost 7 lbs. I am quite tickled!! LOL It hasn't been a great week food wise. Oh, I stuck to my points, however, I used every last one of them and have pretty much used all my weeklys and I don't weight in until Wednesday morning. But, that's okay. As my wise friend Debby says, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail....so I'm planning my lunches for work and that's really helping. I am just finding it difficult to do breakfast! That's my biggest hurdle right now. When I eat breakfast, I am hungry all day long! But, I know its good for me and I know its my metabolism "waking up" so to speak, so I just try to manage it!

Well, just wanted to put up a little update! Thanks for all the amazing support!

Feeling a bit better

2009-08-08T23:22:00.000-07:00

So, work is getting better. The week turned out to be successful. We got school off to a great start here. All the kiddos in their little uniforms. They are so cute! Our systems decided to have uniforms this year and believe it or not, I would say about 95% of our students were completely in uniforms. I work at an "at risk" school in a poverty stricken area of town and it was the opinion of most that we would have trouble at our school with parents getting uniforms for their children. Not so. I was quite surprised.

Now, things are better at work. Basically, the FIT I had to throw worked and things are running a bit smoother. I still don't understand the need for the FIT, but when dealing with the totally irrational, it calls for desparate measures.

My friend (at work) and I have decided to start back on weight watchers for awhile. See what happens!! I have been doing pretty well. Tomorrow will be a challenge. My son is home from Uganda (he's been doing anthropology research for two months) and we are celebrating tomorrow. My son wants my chicken and dumplings and cheesecake. Go figure. My sister is bringing baked beans and carrot cake....there will be BBQ and potato chips....and who knows what else.

But, I am going to manage! I am starting to feel better already.....! I took a nap this afternoon and am now awake at 1:30 a.m. But, hey, gives me time to lurk around here, huh?

See ya

I want to know why!!!

2009-08-01T17:29:00.001-07:00

Okay, been a rough week this week. Of course, you know by now that I am talking about work! It's my major stressor at this point in my life. So, the week began with my office assistant transferring to the school I wanted to go to. That did not bother me. It really didn't....She is lazy and well, there is already someone in there doing twice as much as she did. What bothered me is my boss thinks she is just doing it for the money. NO, we all want to go. There was just another position over there that she could do. She didn't get the job I wanted, she doesn't have the experience or skills for that, but she did at least GO! I am happy for her in that respect. I really am. She got away from the irrational woman we work for. So the week started out with the boss telling me that the assistant that has basically been doing this other woman's job, wasn't going to get her job. Which means, I would be training not only a new attendance assistant, but another office assistant. Now, this person I want her to put in this position....has already filled in and knows the procedures. She is already in the outer office, answers questions, answers phones, deals with the children, and knows the inner workings of the schools systems procedures. So, the boss, in her not-so-infinite wisdom, decides she needs this other woman to continue being a reading interventionist and hire someone from the outside to take this person's place. Well, I threw a fit. A big one. I was professional, but I didn't back down. You have to realize, my boss is the type who, when questioned, begins to lie. She then begins to bring others into her lies. She blames things on central office and says they are the ones making those decisions, when in fact they are not. So, I cornered her and tried to make her see how irrational she was being. Well, needless to say it didn't make for a very good week. I DO NOT LIKE CONFRONTATION, and am usually the first one to back down......but in the last two or three years, I haven't been that person. I have had to stand up to her, because she treats people terribly and well, I can't stand it and I just revolted I guess. I am not that good at standing up for myself. No No NO, I don't need help. Well, this time, not only was I standing up for a co-worker, I WAS standing up for myself. Last year was terribly stressful on everybody and having to train two new people when there is someone there already trained was not only more stressful....well it was just plain stupid. Now the boss doesn't like this other woman because she is TERRIBLY HONEST and not a "yes-man" and definitely not an ass kisser. You open up the dictionary and her picture would be there next to the word "Narcissist"!!!! SERIOUSLY!! She wouldn't let me transfer because "what we SHE do?" "How would SHE start the year without me there to do it for her?" "What am I going to do?" These are just a few!

So, I am relaxing this weekend very happy that all the teachers will be back on Monday to keep me from having to scream at the boss again!! Hahaha! I am not that type of person, honestly, but this last year with this woman has put me on anti-anxiety medication. No laughing matter! But if I don't laugh.. I will cry or scream, huh?

I am not willing to have to be like this forever. What I mean is, this shouldn't be that hard. I love my job. I love the people I work with. The only thing that makes it horrible is that thing I work for! I am grateful for my job, I really am!

!

2009-07-25T18:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it was my first week back at work/school! (I work at a school). The kiddos don't start until Aug. 5th. Yes, we here in the south decide its best to send the kids back to school when its so freakin' hot you can fry an egg on the sidewalk. Oh well. By the grace of God, we have had severely MILD temperatures this year. I am thrilled. I am not a hot weather person. I am not a cold weather person. I am a "I really should live in San Diego where the weather is 76 year round" type of person. Well, it gets hotter in San Diego, but its nothing like the sweltering shitty humid heat we get down here "y'all"!!

The week went pretty good even though it was awkward at first. As some of you know, I tried to get transferred out there, but the boss put a stop to it, because well, if I left who would do her job? Anyway, she's been icky sweet this week. I have been just doing my job and trying not to get stressed out. Many changes coming to us this year and well, I'm praying it doesn't get to me. It was an extremely stressful year this last school year, and well with the changes being made....it doesn't look like this upcoming year is going to be any better. Wish me luck! Knock on wood.......Say a prayer....whatever it is you may do........I can use it!

So, just needed to rant. No new progress on the fat-ass side. Its not any bigger at least. That's a start! LOL Me and my friend from work have decided when school starts back, we are dieting again. Wish me luck on that one too. I want to actually! I need to just to help me feel better.

This is my ramblings for the evening! Peace out Peeps!

Last weekend of freedom!

2009-07-18T07:46:00.000-07:00

That's right peeps, I go back to work on Monday. I am so not looking forward to that, especially after the whole "transfer" didn't work out. But, the boss already has decided that I just didn't think things through and would never have left her. Oh hell yes I would have!!

So, another school year begins! Wooooooo - freakin - hooooo! Actually I am looking forward to getting back into the groove of things, but I do so love the sleeping in part. Will definitely miss that. Especially right now.....just splurged on a new mattress and box springs and the hubby and I spared no expense. OMG, what I have been missing! We tried several mattresses and I have always had some sort of pillow top mattress. This time, I didn't get the pillow top. This mattress we got is so amazing. I honestly didn't think I would want a "firm" mattresses.....it's WONDERFUL. I have had two of the best nights of sleep. The first night, because it was so different, I tossed and turned, but did NOT wake up sore and stiff the next morning.

So, I decided to get a cough, right before going back to work. Isn't that lovely. I went to the farmer's market yesterday and got lots of fresh fruit to help get me back in a better eating pattern. Love me some watermelon! OH and fresh blackberries. I love blackberries. As a little girl, my friends and I rode horses every weekend and along this fence line on some of the trails we rode on, there was a massive blackberry "patch" (?)...we could pick buckets full and never get off our horses....Plus we had on boots and that kept us from getting chiggers! Anyway, trying to eat better. I am making an effort to eat healthier stuff, but its not full fledged dieting by no means. I know I need to. My clothes are getting uncomfortable and I hate that. So, its time to get off my ass and do something. I'll never understand why I sabotage myself when it comes to dieting. Really, I think its just pure laziness.....and frustration.......and more laziness more than likely!

If you read this thing, thanks for stopping by......obviously my mind wanders a bit!! No I haven't been drinking! LOL

I wanna go back

2009-07-12T17:29:00.000-07:00

Here are a few pictures from the vacation at the beach. What a wonderful vacation! I want to be back there. I go back to work in a week (didn't get the transfer I put in for), and I seriously wish I was back on the beach!!

The ongoing Saga.....

2009-07-08T17:46:00.000-07:00

So, the soap opera that is my job, isn't any better today. Okay, as I said in my last post, I put in for a transfer within my system. Its a lateral move. I would just be in a better area and with a MUCH BETTER BOSS! So, today, the woman who is trying to hire me was told she MUST offer the position that I want to the educational assistants at that school before she can offer it me. They must turn it down, before she can offer it to me. Ok. Several things are wrong with this.....First of all, NONE of these people have put in for this position......Secondly, from what my future boss tells me, they don't have the qualifications...............OH, and she has to interview three other people for the position. OK.....again, I would understand this if I was putting in for a new position....or even a position that would be a promotion. I am putting in for the same position at a different school! I so don't understand this. I think its all a mind game and they have someone already in mind for the position and don't have the kahonas to go ahead and say it!

I'm frustrated. Can you tell? I never have been a drama person. I never have been a game player. I am not one who likes turmoil. There are those that do, and OBVIOUSLY they all work in management at my school system! haha! So, for me, I am supposed to go to work on the 20th and I sit here not knowing WHERE! Suck...oh I mean, Such is life! LOL

Nothing Settled

2009-07-07T18:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I put in for the transfer! Yeah me! However! Or BUT....isn't there always a but? (or BUTT)..Anyway, our powers that be, so to speak, are trying to force my new boss (positive thinking) into hiring someone without my qualifications and without a few other things I won't mention here, but basically, trying to strong arm, because she is new, to hire someone without any experience because of certain other qualifications.

I told my old boss (more positive thinking) and of course, she dealt with it just as I thought she would. She was upset because it was going to be a major inconvenience on her and how was she going to handle things and it was such a bad time for her....you get the picture. So, I didn't feel bad after that. Yet, though she didn't say it to me, she's obviously resigned to the fact that I am leaving and is telling everyone that.

Now, I have to play the waiting game and while they try to put a strong hold on my new boss. She's a pretty tough lady. She feels like they are trying to push her because she is new to this position and they feel like they can push her because of the same thing. She's a lot tougher than they realize. She says she is going to fight for me. That does make me feel good.

So, tonight, I'm sitting here unsure of what my future holds. Its frustrating. I am such a PLANNER that things like this get me down. But, I'm trying not to let it. I have a wonderful support system! I am trying to stay positive. I mean, everyone where I worked (still positive) wants to leave but they don't have the courage to do it.......somehow, I got up the courage to do this. I just hope it all works out!

Thanks for reading...again! I realize its not much about weight loss these days....but it will be again!

Delimma? Not sure!

2009-07-01T18:31:00.001-07:00

Well, I've been struggling with a decision lately and I need to let it out here I guess. Here's the deal: I love my job. I love most of the people I work with. My best friend works with me. I have an unbearable boss. Everyone is leaving because of her. Her the second in charge got a promotion and now has her own school. Well, we ALL joked with her when we found out "Oh please, take me with you if you get a school of your own!" of course, that would only be possible if there was a position open. Today, she called me and told me the bookkeeper position was opening up at her school and she wants me to apply. Its a lateral move. She basically has been in charge at the other school for the 2nd half of the year anyway. She trusts me to do a good job as bookkeeper and I trust her and her integrity as a boss. My current boss will try and stop the transfer. Not because she cares about me in any way, but because it will cause her some major inconvenience and she still isn't well enough to do all of her work and would rely on me heavily to do part of it. I just don't think this opportunity will come about again. I also don't like the path our school is going down as far as who she is putting in place of the ones who are leaving. She amazes me in that she rewards those who whine and snivel and won't do their work, and rides the asses of those who work those asses off on a daily basis. I just don't get it.

So, doesn't sound like much of a choice huh? I pretty much have made up my mind that I am going to put in for the transfer. I could always say no if I don't feel comfortable. But, I don't want to say no. Thing is. This all needs to come about within the next two weeks. Before I have to go back to work at the other school. That is what bothers me. I don't want to start one place then move to another. That could happen. My current boss, as I said, will throw a major fit and a major guilt trip "I don't understand, I have been so good to you" for starters. No she hasn't. Not really. She buys little tokens, but working there with her is like working in a mine field. You never know when you come in whether or not you will be able to walk right through the mine field or if you will come in and get your leg blown off! Seriously.

I just have so many friends there and I'm anxious about the change. I know I can get along at the other school, but I'm comfortable where I am, at least with the teachers and my co=workers. I love them so much. But, again, the true friends will stay true friends whether I leave or not. AT least I hope so.

So there you have it. I'm not good with confrontation and this is going to cause some major confrontation. If I don't take this opportunity, it probably won't come around again. Put in a transfer and hope everything goes smoothly and hope I will get the position or not put it in and stay where I am and be miserable? What a choice. Its the confrontation I believe is what's causing me to wonder. Guess I need to put on my big girl panties and just do it and shut up already! RIGHT?

Thanks if you've read this whole thing. Just needed to put my thoughts somewhere!

Well?

2009-06-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

So, diet, not going so good. I will be the first to say my heart (and stomach) are just not in it. I have good intentions everyday when I wake up, then it leaves oh around lunch time! Don't get me wrong. I am not whining. I am not saying "why oh why God can't I do this?" or anything like that. I am in control of me, or in this case not in control, but its my choice. Why am I saying this? I don't have a clue, other than to say, diet and exercise, not going so well! I really hate myself when I do this. Its eating out where I get "screwed" by myself! I don't want to have to think out the points or figure up the calories or have this on the side or this grilled instead of................(you fill in the blank). As you can tell, I'm just not in to it. Do I care? Yes, I care. I don't like being at this weight. I don't want to gain back the weight I have already lost. I don't want, I don't want, I don't want. What I need to do is kick my own ass and jump start myself. Why don't I do it. Who the hell knows!

Life is good right now for me and my family, but for some reason, I have the "blahs". Just got back from a glorious vacation to the beach. Still have three more weeks off. Hubby just bought me a new truck
So tell me.........why do I have the blahs? I haven't figured it out. If I do I will let you know.

Any suggestions? Greatly appreciated!

It's that time.....

2009-06-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

That's right folks............the excuses have run out and its time for me to get back on the wagon! School is through, my summer program is over, and now my vacation is over. So, it's officially time to start back doing the "D" word. Diet. I know, we should never say diet. But why not? We know what it is? Who are we, I, kidding? I have to gain some control before I gain all my weight back.

Just got home from the beach yesterday. Spent a glorious week on the shores of Orange Beach, AL. The weather was perfect. Oh, it was hot, but not the kind of hot I see this time of year in TN....the kind of hot that, if you just sit down next the water's edge, the breezes make you feel like its "cool" and the sun's rays take its toll on your skin. But, boy did it feel great. I wish I could live there. I don't make that kind of money, so I don't see that happening, however, I can go visit!

Reminder: Never invite the in-laws on your vacation. Even though it was my STUPID idea, my husband of course is the wonder child for inviting them. Whatever. Everything I despise about my husband, my father in law does multiplied by about 1000! The father in law started complaining the moment we got there and didn't stop until he left. My husband, lovely man that he is, left me three different times to go fishing with an old high school buddy. I had to entertain them. My answer to that was, "I am going to the pool/beach, if you would like to come and "sit", you are more than welcome. I was not about to entertain them. Again, this won't happen again.

I have four more glorious weeks before I go back to work to start up the next school year. Ahhhhhhh. I am going to try and utilize this time by getting my eating back under control. It is so hard getting back to it after an absence this long. But, I must! I MUST!

So, just wanted to check back in......I haven't been here in awhile!

Well, the kids are gone, but it ain' over!!

2009-05-20T14:08:00.001-07:00

Okay, so today was the last day of school............for the kids. I still have three more weeks! Yeah me! What a hell of a day! I am worn out. I love teachers, especially the ones I work with, but OMG, they are as needy as the kids! Nuff said!

I am sitting on the veranda, sipping a mint julip, while looking out over the north 40! Okay, really! I am sitting on my back porch, drinking unsweet tea, looking out of the cow pasture that is just past my back yard! Ha! Sounds better the other way! Its a beautiful day here in the south. I am watching the birds feverishly eat all the food I set out for them and watching the herd (my dogs) play. All I can hear are the birds chirping. Its quite relaxing. A cool breeze is blowing. Not to hot here in the south yet. Just got into the 80s today. That's hotter than I like it, but I am not complaining because in a month it will be close to 100!

Just wanted to say hi to everybody! I haven't really been dieting these days, but have managed to lose another 2 lbs. I certainly won't complain about that either! At least its in the right direction!

Peace out people!

I've said it before.....and I'll say it again..........

2009-05-12T18:58:00.001-07:00

Thank you everybody for your amazing support! I can feel down and come here and either get a wonderfully, supportive comment or go to your blogs and read some of your struggles and know I am not alone....whether that's weight issues or just "life" issues. This blog has helped in many ways! I appreciate each and every one of you who have stopped by to read and/or comment! Thank you!

Now, we had a little family get together on Sunday......my silly sister thought it would be a wonderful thing to take pictures.....OMG! I looked terrible. I know I have lost and have done pretty well at maintaining. I lost 44 lbs. originally and then gained back 15. I have maintained that for several months now. I guess I was just kidding myself because looking at these pictures...........................I don't look any better, AT ALL! I know, I can hear all of you now! "So, what are you going to do about it?" Obviously, I must do something! I have gone down two sizes and definitely do not want to go back up. I have enjoyed smaller sizes. So, headed back to the Weight Watchers site. Gotta get back to the basics and kick my own butt! We go to the beach in 32 days. Wouldn't it be nice to be 10 - 15 lbs. lighter? I know I can do it! It's the want to I am having a hard time with. Tomorrow is a new day and I really want tomorrow to be different! I just have to quit sabotaging myself! That's my hardest part. I get tired and lazy and unmotivated and let it all go! Why do I do that? My youngest son goes up and down with his weight ---- we are talking 10-20 lbs. He is 6'3" and 220 at the moment. However, he has the same food addiction I do. That is something I truly didn't want to hand down to my child/children. He asked me the other day "Mom, why do I quit eating healthy when I know how wonderful I feel when I am eating right?" My answer? I didn't have one! WHY? Because I do the very same thing to myself. So, he is going to try this with me! He is so athletic and can get right up and start a workout routine with no trouble. Me, no, I can't do that! I am proud of his physical drive. I need to take some of that from him!

So, there's my rant for the day! Tomorrow is a new day! Wish me luck!

Blah, blah, blah

2009-05-09T09:09:00.000-07:00

Just putting down my thoughts today. This past week was a little better, however, I didn't manage to accomplish much of the work I needed to accomplish, whether that's at school or at home. I need to work late every day this week and next. Not making me too driven to go to work these next two weeks.

My mom is doing better. She is staying by herself with me running up to her house every evening to make sure she eats. She is being a little stubborn on that end. She lives about 35 minutes away, so its truly not a fun thing to do every single day. She is able to do most things by herself at her house. She's being a little stubborn and well I feel guilty because I really don't have the patience for a 74 year old woman having to be treated like she's a toddler! I love her though and will endure!

My ankles are still swelling so the doctor upped my medication. We will see how that works. Most of my other problems have pretty much been resolved. Just the swelling ankles now.

I haven't been eating well, obviously, but my weight is not going up, so that's a good thing. I am still trying to be mindful of what I am eating and drinking. I have not been home long enough to cook like I should, but hopefully that's going to change. I need a cook! And a maid! Then maybe I could stay on track! I doubt it! LOL

TTFN

A little update

2009-05-06T18:19:00.000-07:00

My mom is doing a little better. Will not have to have surgery after all. That's a big relief. She still can't do things by herself so still having to take care of her. My sister did come and help yesterday and today. Too bad she doesn't live closer! Mom is back at my house tonight and I am not sure when she will be able to do things for herself. I think she's milking this for all its worth! LOL

Work is hell. Thanks Estella for the support. You definitely know what I am going through. Now besides having TCAP at this time of year (just finished), field days, field trips, budgets, textbook inventories, school inventory, and impending audit, I guess the boss-lady felt I didn't do enough and I have to go to training to do our website. We are losing our computer teacher/technician and she said I was the next person in line re: computer knowledge, etc. I am grateful she sees it that way, however, I didn't need yet another thing added......Okay, now that I have bitched, I can just get over it, cuz I am gonna have to do it......!

Thanks for the kind words everybody~

And the hits just keep on coming!

2009-05-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm here to vent, so if you are looking for an upbeat, OP, diet goddess type of post, better move on. OP - don't even know what that means these days. Obviously I am not committed, but need to be committed (literally) --- Going crazy here!

So, the sunburn is much better. That's a plus. I am peeling and look like I have a skin disease, but it doesn't hurt.

Like I said, I haven't been eating well and know I need to. Tired of fast food and eating out and need to eat at home. So, this leads me to the week I have been having. The sunburn did get infected on my feet and had to go to the doctor for some cream. Its better. Then, my mother fell on Wednesday about 11:00 in the morning. She fell in her front yard and couldn't get up. Luckily after sitting on the ground in her front yard, her neighbor came out to check his mail. She luckily yelled to him and he came and helped her up. So, she calls me after I get off work that afternoon to tell me that she had fallen, but just bruised her arm up a bit but that she was fine. She lives about 30 minutes from me, out in the country. So, after a 20 minute conversation of me saying I would rush right up there, she convinced me she was fine, so I didn't go. I should have. She is stubborn and I know that. So, Thursday morning at about 5:00 a.m. my mother calls me and says she is hurting very badly and that she cannot get herself off the couch. (She has been getting weaker over the last year or so and getting up out of chairs, etc. has become hard for her). So, I rushed up there and got her up only to see that her right wrist/arm was severely bruised, and I knew looking at it that it must be broken. So, I got her up and brought her back to my house, called her doctor and luckily got her in to see him by that afternoon. He walked right in and said, I don't even have to x-ray it, its broken! (He did x-ray it and it was broken in two places with a chipped bone as well). So, this is my mother's right hand/arm and she is right handed. About 27 years ago she fell and broke her elbow on her left arm and her elbow joint had to be fused so her arm doesn't stretch all the way out, so this makes life for her very difficult. Her left arm doesn't half work and her right one is out of commission. Its been like having an infant in the house again! Its not fun for either of us. Its hard to see her getting older. She's my mom. She's always been invincible. I love her dearly and knowing that she's getting older and not doing well hasn't been easy to swallow these days. I spent the weekend with her at her house so she could actually get some rest in her own bed. Now we are back at my house because I have to work tomorrow. She goes to the orthopedic surgeon on Tuesday. One of my sisters is coming down from Nashville tomorrow to help Monday night and then help take her to the doctor on Tuesday.

So, that's been my week. Oh and that of course doesn't even include work. The lazy keep getting lazier, the kids are hanging from the rafters, the teachers are all bleery-eyed and ready for this all to be over, and me, well, as everyone else prepares to wind down the school years, mine picks up for the next few weeks. So, stress at home and stress at work. Makes for one bitchy woman......That's me!

On the upside, my husband and son that still lives at home have been so wonderful with me and my mom since she fell. The hubby came up to Mom's house and lifted her couch up so she could get up and down by herself. The son came up and helped clean the house. Though I did most of the cleaning at her house, he was helpful and he is a very caring soul for one so young!

I think I had too much fun!!

2009-04-26T11:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, so the DH and I went fishing yesterday. It was a beautiful day, clear blue skies and temps in mid-80s. What a beautiful day!

We started catching fish right away. Well, let me rephrase. I started catching fish right away! I am not a big fishing person, I just go with my husband. I like it ok. I always catch when I go. I have no problem baiting my own hook or taking the fish off the hook. None of that bothers me. I was a tomboy growing up, that was nuttin! So, I started catching fish right away and the DH mostly watched! LOL He was using a lure while I was using crickets. Obviously, the fish were in to the crickets. Anyway, the hubby did start catching. We caught lots of fish and had a beautiful time!

BUT (isn't there always a but?), though I put on sunscreen, I got SOOOOO sunburned! I am such a lobster today. Especially the tops of my knees, tops of my feet, and my arms. I, obviously, didn't put on sunscreen often enough! I am not enjoying my day today, except maybe for totally laughing at myself! What a goofball! I just got carried away with the fishing, I didn't feel it I guess!

So, just thought I would stop by here and give you the tip of the day ----- SUNSCREEN PEOPLE AND LOTS OF IT!! lol

AWWWWWHHHHHHHH!!!!

2009-04-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

Yes, now I can sit back and relax and say AWWHHHHH! Testing HELL is over and I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. I TRULY dislike this time of year! But, that hell is over and I can relax for a week or two!

IT feels good! It really does! I am feeling pretty good and this just helps with that!

Just wanted to drop a quick line and rejoice with everyone that I have been SPRUNG!

Let the Sun Shine, Let the sun shine in....

2009-04-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

As you can probably tell, the sun is shining and I love it. Got up to the lower 70s today. It feels AWESOME!! It is so amazing what the sun shine does to your mood. I feel great today. Other people are happy. Its just makes for a great day.

Just have to box up all this testing stuff and get to turn it back in this Wednesday. WOOHOO. I am taking Thursday and Friday off because DAMMIT, I DESERVE IT! The hubby is taking me fishing Thursday. He likes it more than I do, of course, but I do enjoy getting outside and if DH would leave the boat in one place for more than a minute, I might actually catch something!! But, it is supposed to be sunny and almost in the 80s Thursday so I am looking forward to being out there catching some rays and occasionally a fish!!

The DH sent me flowers at work today. Didn't have a fight! We've had sex.........so, what's the deal? Too funny! He's being very thoughtful knowing my work life is hell right now. It makes me love him all the more!

Gonna go chill before having to cook dinner! Peace out!

Happy Friday

2009-04-17T16:15:00.001-07:00

Wow, I thought this Friday would never get here. The testing is in progress. Well, basically its almost over. Only have to test those students who were absent. I am so ready to have this testing over. Then, I get to gear down to my audit. This is such a busy time of year. At least the time if flying by and it will be summer vacation before I know it.

I am feeling better. Went to the doc last week and started some different medication. Its helped somewhat. I think I have been too busy to think about it and boy does that help. Still having some breathing problems, but nothing like they were.

I am a good kind of tired tonight. Relaxing and enjoying being away from the drama of work.

Well, just wanted to check in. I haven't weighed in yet this week, so don't know how I am doing in that respect. But, that's ok, I'm not worried about it!

No news is good news

2009-04-11T17:14:00.000-07:00

Well, went to the doctor on Friday. MY GP whom I haven't seen in quite awhile. Have been just dealing with the gyno, who decided I needed to see another doctor to check out my heart. He had his nurse do an EKG and put a holter monitor on me. I turned in the holter monitor on March 20th. Well, I still haven't heard from the doctor. So, I called three damned times to see what was going on. So, decided to go back to my GP that I hadn't seen in awhile (insurances changes, etc. took me away from him). So, I got frustrated and made an appt. He listened (which I haven't been experiencing) to my symptoms, did blood work, did a chest x-ray, kidney function test, tested for congestive heart failure, etc. All of the tests were negative. He changed my BP medicine and put me on a stronger diuretic to help with the edema. Put me on some allergy meds, cuz the sinuses are driving me crazy, and started me on something for the anxiety. We will see how that goes. I am feeling ok today. Still having breathing problems. Though we don't know why I am doing this, at least we ruled out blood clots and heart problems. I at least had a doctor sit and explain things to me and not make me feel like I was stupid. It makes me feel better in that respect.

We worked out in the yard all day today. It was nice to have the sun on my face! I truly enjoyed it. I sure am glad daylight savings time is here, I was beginning to feel like a mushroom (in the dark all the time). Had lots of energy today too, so that made me feel good!

I was off Friday so having an extra day off has made me happy as well! Counting down the days to the beach though. I know, I am counting my life away, huh? Naw, just gives me something to look forward to!

Testing Hell!

2009-04-06T17:33:00.000-07:00

So, our achievement tests begin next week for our little kiddos at work. I, of course, am the testing coordinator and am so overwhelmed at the moment. I told my sister that I have so much going on in my head that I feel like Cybil, all the multiple personalities in tow! Help! My principal is out sick and probably will be for, who knows, a year. She came in today (starts chemo tomorrow) to get some things done, which dropped a lot things on my desk. Yippie.

As you can probably tell, I'm not good with stress. I don't strive on it. I do NOT handle it well. I don't want to handle it. Every year I go through this. Every year I hate it. It just seems this year its even harder. I don't know if its due to the principal being out, due to my "blah" state of mind and healthy, or just really, really tired of all of this. Who knows. Like I said, I guess its just that I hate this time of year. I am always excited when the school year starts, but by this time of year, the teachers are cranky, the kids are bouncing off the walls and basically obnoxious, and everybody's nerves are on end. So, coming back after Christmas, its been hard for me to get back in the groove. Damn, I lost my groove. Can I get it back? Maybe not like Stella, but I know I need to do something. The beach vacation cannot come soon enough. That I don't stress about. I go and have fun and wear a bathing suit and say to hell with everyone else, I am having a good time, dammit! This year I am 35 lbs. lighter, so that's an even bigger plus.

Oh, I should've started with this, but when the stress gets so heavy, I forget. How could I forget? I lost 3 lbs. this week. WOO --- FREAKIN --- HOO! With the legs swelling everyday, who'd a thunk it?

So, now that Manic Monday is slowly slipping away, maybe I can turn Terrible Tuesday into Terrific Tuesday!! I have to keep an optimistic attitude.............or the natives will take over and then where will I be? OH, and FYI! Obnoxious children, a piece of cake compared to over-worked, completely stressed, under-paid teachers! I love them all, I really do!

Are you one of these?

2009-04-01T15:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, just wondering how many people out there work in a situation where those who are covered up with work are the ones getting more and more and more responsibility and those who sit, and sit, and sit, and SHOVE 20 minutes worth of work into a 7 hour day get by with doing nothing? Then, its the fat people who are considered lazy. PLEASE!

My sister(who is also my closest friend) and I were talking about this last night. She is in a similar situation. Our mother worked her tail off to raise three daughters, the majority of the time by herself. We were taught a work ethic and inherited the neurotic gene from her when it comes to work. I don't know how to tell people no when they ask things of me, but BUT, I am really beginning to learn. However, the boss is the one pushing all the work on me. Some of it I should not be doing. Stuff we could both get in trouble for if it were found out. Now, granted, the woman is very sick right now, however, I have had this worked shoved on me for years. Sure I have written about this before. It's just getting to me. This the worst time of year.

On the upside, even though I had to dip into my weeklys already, but, am still on program. The ankle swelling is worse today, but am drinking tons of water to help with that. All is well on the food side of things. All is well on the work side of things, I just get overwhelmed and when I see others sitting doing nothing and then griping and complaining when they are asked to move, it really pisses me off!

Thanks for stopping by!!

First Day Back

2009-03-30T15:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, so its my first day back at work after the spring break. Man was it hard to get out of bed this morning. A week of waking up when I wanted to, now I'm spoiled. It is also my first day back doing WW. I am doing it myself, not going to the meetings, so I will see how I do. Honestly, I could make excuses why I am not going to the meetings, like "My schedule is to hectic this time of year", and it is, or, "It's on the other side of town (nowhere near close) and its too costly to do that", or "I don't like the meetings (which I really don't) and its not helping me (which it was)." But, honestly, HONESTLY??? It's too much of a damned chore! I got to where I hated going. So, trying it myself, on my own. We will see how that works!

So my first day went well. Packed my lunch last night so I had no excuse. Made myself eat breakfast (I hate breakfast, but know that it helps me in my weight loss). Got up earlier so I didn't have the running out of time excuse handy for not eating breakfast or not preparing my lunch. It's truly hard. I am taking it one day at a time. I am honest enough, as well, to say I have no clue if this will last another day, another week, another month, or another year. I do know that I will never, NEVER quit trying. I can't.

So, here I go again. Wish me luck! I need it! I'm feeling a bit better this week and working through health issues. The fatigue gets severe sometimes, but I work through that as well. That's when I do AWFUL on my diet. But, again, I can't give up.

Thanks as always for commenting and/or reading my blog. Your support means the world to me!

Back to the real world!

2009-03-28T11:13:00.000-07:00

Back from the mountains! Rested, relaxed, de-stressed! We had a wonderful time! I am so happy we went. I like the last minute things that tend to work out. You seem to appreciate them so much more! Even though, when it comes to vacation, I am one of those who loves to prepare.......you know, the to-do lists, and the shopping lists, and the saving for this vacation list! LOL....We are having a family vacation at the beach this summer and I already have my spreadsheet done up and am planning down to the last toothbrush and pair of socks! I am a little neurotic that way. I am a list person! But, it was nice to be a little spontaneous, even though I did plan this, but not so much. We had no plans to do anything for spring break......then the hubby and I talked about it....we wanted to go somewhere close. There is nowhere close! So, I finally just booked a room for two nights for just me and him and the heart shaped jacuzzi! It was wonderful. No computers, no phones, no kids, no work! Just me and the hubster! We really needed that!

We did tons of walking which felt great by the way. I felt no stress and am fairly sure my problems are all related to stress. I had a few heart flutter sensations while I was there, but nothing that I had been feeling. No where near. We were on the 3rd floor and every time we went out or to the car or whatever, we took the stairs. The wonderful part???? I didn't get winded AT ALL and we raced up the stairs one time and it felt great.

It's a wonder what getting out of town away from everyone and everything can do for your spirits, as well as the sex and the heart shaped jacuzzi! It did wonders for our spirits as well! Speaking of spirits, we stopped by a little winery before we got to the hotel, had a little tasting session, it was great! Bought three bottles of wine! Now, I'm not much on wine or drinking for that matter, but we did finish those three bottles off and stopped back by on our way home to get some more! I'm more of a rum, jack daniels kinda girl (WHEN/IF I DRINK), so normally, I just don't drink. This was nice and relaxing though and we both enjoyed it!

So, to all of you who are stressed with work, with life, with your health or your diet, I highly recommend taking a TIME OUT and working on yourself (or each other if you are married LOL) and be kind to yourself. You are worth it!

Great week

2009-03-23T15:38:00.000-07:00

So, its spring break for me ( you know that already if you the last post). I am enjoying so far. The hubby and I have decided to run off to Gatlinburg for a few days to relax, be alone without the 20-year-old, and get out of town and just rest. Its only gonna be for two days, but I am so excited about it already. I need it. Stress levels are way up and I need to do something to bring them down!

The health issues are still with me. No one can figure this out. So, on my own I have stopped my hormone. Its only making things worse. I feel better after being off of it for two days. Its not helping the breathing problem, but I feel better. Doctor's ordered a bunch of heart tests, but I don't think its that either. I realize I am no doctor, I don't claim to be, but sometimes you know yourself better than anyone else does. So, I am just dealing with it and not letting it get me down and going on with my life. If things get worse, I will make an appt. with my GP, because I just don't think the gyno knows whats going on and I get the feeling he's not really wanting to deal with it. Don't get me wrong, he's a good doctor, I just feel like he doesn't know what's going on and it frustrates him, so I will deal with it some other way.

But, I am feeling better, that's the good part. Being more active. Eating better. By no means dieting, but I am keeping on eye on my weight, definitely not letting it go back up. I realize this is something I will always deal with and that's ok with me. So, doing the baby steps. Realizing all the while that I am going to have to take bigger steps if I want to start seeing any kind of result. Never give up. That's what I always say and that's what I doing every day!

It's a beautiful spring day here with temps going up to 70 today! Loving every minute of it before the rains starts, but hey, nothing wrong with spring rain either!

SPRING BREAK!!!!!

2009-03-20T14:55:00.001-07:00

I cannot begin to tell you how happy I am the spring break has begun for me! The hubby and I have no plans, we are just going to wing it. If we wake up and want to go somewhere, then we are going to go! I'm not going to spend my spring break cleaning out closets or re-arranging the house. I am relaxing.

This time of year is hectic and we all needed the break. The last few days, the kids are bouncing off the walls. Their behavior, TERRIBLE, but each teacher, or aide, or office personnel, or cafeteria worker, you name it, they didn't care. We knew that we were on the "down-hill slide" to spring break. The giddiness in the air was so wonderful be around. The only other time it is better, Christmas Break and the end of the school year. We all work so hard and at times go days without seeing people at the other end of the building, so this break is well-deserved school wide.

I'm planning on working on the exercise a lot more this week. It truly helps me and I know this. I just find it to be such a chore. I guess I need to slap myself out of it and get one with it.

Well, just wanted to share my "giddiness" (if that's a word) with all of you! WOOHOO

Monday, Monday!

2009-03-16T11:10:00.000-07:00

Well, don't we all just loathe Mondays? Well I do. Especially this one. I have a major stomach virus going on. It hit me last night around 7 p.m. and kept me up all night. You know, one of those viruses that you plead with God just to let you throw up cuz you know you would feel better, yet its the other end that's the problem. I know, I know, TMI!

I go to the doctor tomorrow to review my month on hormone therapy. I have very mixed reviews and will be telling him as much. I'm ready to just toss the whole thing and forget it. But, actually, I am doing better on it rather than off.....somewhat....I think.....maybe! LOL Whatever, right?

I have spring fever like you can't imagine. I am so over this cold weather. It is supposed to be in the 70s by the end of the week. It can't come soon enough for me. Spring break for school is next week and I am so looking forward to that. We have no plans, which is just fine with me. There is a ton of things I can do at home or I can just sit on my back porch and chill. Whatever, right? LOL

I'm trying to get back on my WW points today and writing here is keeping me out of the kitchen!! Its a start! One day at a time..so on and so forth.

So, my weekend was so totally uneventful! I guess those are good days. Took my mother shopping on Saturday. She'd been taking care of an old aunt of hers and needed some time out. I can understand that. Sunday was a good family day with steaks on the grill and everything.....then I got sick last night. But, that didn't ruin my weekend. I've told me children many times as they were sitting around the house yelling "I'm bored, I'm bored" that boredom is truly a luxury. I enjoy it! My oldest, who is getting his master's right now, has now come back and said to me, "Mom, you were right, boredom is a luxury!" Wow. My son admitted that I was right! I wrote it down on the calendar!!

So, here starts another week.............what does it have in store for me? What does it have in store for you?

Thanks Peeps!

2009-03-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to say thanks for the support! I really felt it! I am feeling a little better today. I just have to expect that I will be high one day and low the next. Now, if I could only get a handle on the stress!

I posted to a fellow blogger who was concerned about "depression" and just wanted to say, I don't think any of this is depression. First of all I am on an anti-depressant and these doesn't feel like that. Its frustration really. Or frustration with a little anxiety mixed in and a whole of being impatient. But, I am working through it. I am really more positive than negative its just when I get negative I write!

Again, thanks for the cheering section! It really helped my mood!! You all rock!

Highs and Lows

2009-03-10T18:50:00.000-07:00

So, it seems that you all have seen my posts going from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows and I will be the first to say, its a roller coaster ride I would like to jump off of! This past weekend was beautiful and peaceful and I want it back!!!

Work sucks! Just that! It sucks. Two days in to the work week and I'm tired, annoyed, pissed, bitchy............certainly you get the point! What was I thinking getting this surgery during the school year? What was I thinking? Well, I was thinking it would help. Did it? Yes, it helped. I'm no longer anemic and in severe pain (worse than labor) every month for two weeks at a time. These things I certainly don't miss. I had no energy before and guess what? I had energy for about a minute since the surgery! LOL I have a sense of humor, if I didn't I couldn't still be here!

So, here I am again, dragging my ass already and its only Tuesday. Back to walking everyday, even though its only a little bit, its something. My eating is better, not "BEST" but better! This new hormone they have put me on is making me retain water. What fun! I think I have had about 80 ounces of water today. You would think I would be running to the bathroom.....not the case. So, it seems like this is going to be a "hit or miss" situation on getting me regulated. I am ready to go off the hormones all together, but the way I was feeling before, not sure if I can function so, of course, will discuss this with the doctor. I feel like I'm becoming a broken record. I cannot tell you how much I try to get away from thinking about this, get away from feeling it, speaking it, but it seems to keep slapping me in the face and making me pay attention.

I am one of these women who after my surgery I was superwoman and everything was great (and it was, it is). Never admit there is anything wrong. This was my miracle cure. You've had your surgery, you are fine, move on. Do you know how much I want to be that person. I had four glorious days out of this past week feeling like a human again. Feeling like I might be on the mend. Stress took that from me. She's a bitch, stress is. I started walking more to try and defeat her, but she's stronger than I am and I am in a wrestling match with her right now. Wish me luck and cheer me on so I can whip the bitch at her own game!

An Escape From Everyday Life

2009-03-08T10:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, the hubby and I packed up our four-wheeler and headed out to the family farm about two hours away. What a beautiful day. The temperature was about 75 degrees. A far cry from a foot of snow last weekend, huh? Actually its my sister's husband's family that has the land, but they share it with all of us. They have about 175 acres or so. They have rolling hills with a stream running through it. Depending upon the water levels, this can be a small stream or a rolling river. The hubby and I rode through the stream and up the rolling hills to the very top. What a beautiful view. I wish I had brought my camera so I could've shared this view with all of you. Maybe next time.

We needed to get away, that's for sure. We both had endured a majorly hectic work week and were stressed to the max. We spent the entire day riding through the hills and talking with the old folks at the farm. I live in the city (now) but am a country girl at heart. Maybe some day we will retire out that way. I want pastures full of horses and a stream to sit beside and just chill. I cannot imagine anyone going out there and listening to the wind rustle through the trees or the stream running over the rock and not believing in God. It's truly a spiritual place to be. We truly had the time of our lives and want to do this again very soon.

By the time we got home, we were both worn out and I slept better last night than I have in months and months.

I wish this kind of relaxed feeling for all of you!

Hectic

2009-03-05T15:35:00.000-08:00

Yes, work is quite hectic right now.......! (Understatement) Work is absolutely crazy. The boss is out for several weeks due to breast cancer and now her third surgery in as many weeks. So, her job has trickled down to her Asst. and her job has trickled down to me and my brain being as fuzzy as it is - well its just not handling it. Thank God for post-its. They are my saving grace. You walk in to my office and you would think a post-it factory exploded in there! Now, I have to leave myself a post-it to buy more post-its!

So, Monday I was feeling better. It was quite nice, actually. Then Tuesday hit. The heart racing and heart palpitations hit an all time high and I freaked out. I called the doctor's office (gyn) and he thinks its from the hormones I was on. So, he changed it. The sucky part is, the hormone I was on had a co-pay of $5.00. This new hormone, a co-pay of $50.00. Now in this day and time, I am grateful I have a job and grateful I have insurance, so I'm not bitching, well not too much. BUT, since stopping the other hormone and starting this new one, the heart palpitations and heart racing is almost completely gone. Its giving me a headache, but believe me, that is nothing compared to what I was feeling! I can actually say that I feel great today! How long has it been since I have been able to say that? A LONG TIME~ I ran around crazy at work, and last week I couldn't have done it cuz of the crazy feelings I'd been having. Today, no problems. It makes me happy!

Don't take for granted feeling great, cuz there's no telling when it gets swept out from underneath you! I drank a ton of water today. Good for me! I had extra walking at school today because we had a program, I had to go to the basement three different times to help the Asst. Principal with an excel spreadsheet (which is 2.5 flights of stairs), and the bathroom in the office is under repair, so we all have to go to the end of the school to use the restroom. Instead of being upset about it, I welcome the extra steps!

So, just wanted to share some upbeat feelings and good news with all of you! Thanks for all the comments. (By the way, the foot of snow we received on Saturday night/Sunday morning is all gone and its 70 degrees here now)

It's Melting, it's Melting~

2009-03-02T05:48:00.000-08:00

So, the snow is melting at a nice pace. Schools were closed today, of course, but think the temperatures and the sun beating down on us will clear the streets. Of course, if it didn't I wouldn't mind, I could use another day off! I love it. Its going to take another day or so for the houses and yards to "melt off", but considering it will be 75 degrees here on Saturday, at least this stuff is short lived. I do like the snow, but only if it closes schools (which it did), haha!

Well, with this snow and sub-freezing temperatures, its killed off all the things that were blooming just two days ago. I think this is what was giving me the breathing problem. When the temps took a dive and the snow started falling, the chest pressure eased up and the breathing got easier. Yeah, thinking is allergies. We shall see. I finished my antibiotic yesterday so that will tell as well.

Going to get back eating healthier foods this week. These are my goals:
Eat more fruit
Eat more veggies
Drink more water

I think these three goals are MORE than attainable and not restrictive that it turns me away from eating right. I will say, though, that I will be glad when the "crapberry" (I mean Cadbury) eggs are off the shelves. They are a weakness and I haven't been strong enough to resist. Yep, I'm human and those little babies get me craving!~

It feels good to post something on a more positive note (other than the crapberry eggs - LOL). Now I am going to ease back into the exercise too. When this bronchitis (not convinced it was bronchitis) hit, it halted me in my tracks and just walking from the car into school or into home everyday was a chore.....So, I am going to use my this energy increase wisely and not start out running myself ragged again!

Here's to feeling good! (Glasses clink = CHEERS ;)

Walking In A Winter Wonderland

2009-03-01T05:40:00.000-08:00

So, here are a few pictures of what happened here in "Southtown USA". We got almost a foot of snow (11 inches to be exact). While I love this stuff and its pretty, it sure causes chaos amongst southerners! The DH had to go in to work this morning. Took us forever to get him out of the driveway (an hour). We don't do snow tires or chains here. We don't have snow plows or the like. We have flurries usually. Occasionally an inch or two of snow. Not like this for sure! It is pretty and I love watching it from the comfort of my chair, especially since I was out in it for an hour already.

So, my car won't be moving today! A day stuck at the house. Which I am going to thoroughly enjoy!~

My 20 yr. old son is out on the 4-wheeler and my dogs are having the time of their lives! Fun for a day or two. It will be gone by tomorrow!

Trying, really I am!

2009-02-27T14:59:00.000-08:00

Okay, so no happy news here. Its been a crappy week. Still feeling crappy. Work is crazy. I haven't wanted food until today! I have lived off minute rice and chicken soup the past week it seems. Just not in a food kind of way. I weighed and was down 4 lbs.......that was two days ago, now I'm up two. I'm not worried, nor am I going to obsess over it. I am going to be doing this for a lifetime, so slow and easy is my pace. Exercise is the problem right now. Still having a problem with my breathing. Still don't think its bronchitis. Giving the antibiotics and steroids a chance to work, but if its still going on, I guess I will go and throw some more money down the toilet and go back to the doctor. I did have more energy today, but I had no choice because as I said earlier, work was crazy. This time of year in a school system....its not fun. Its crazy-ass insane and wearing me down!

Okay, I feel better. I am trying. Though this post doesn't show it, I am in a bit better mood and trying to "be positive". You know, when my friends and family ask me how I am and I still say I am not any better, it gets old, so I just quit saying it. But, I am trying to tell myself that, just to get through the day. By the time I get home though, I crash. I don't mean I am a little tired either. I mean, I CRASH! From what my doctor and my friends and family who have been through a hysterectomy have told me, these crashes are normal for some people. But, why the hell couldn't I be abnormal in this situation? I am usually abnormal!! LOL I guess if I hadn't had some very positive, energetic, exciting weeks where I felt wonderful, I wouldn't know how it could feel. I want those days, weeks back. I had energy, was exercising, happy go lucky. But, I am trying. Painting on my happy face and doing my best! LOL

The hubby is back from his week long trip and I am glad. I am just not myself without him around! Awwwhhh! But, I have to cook when he is home too. Don't like that!! Since I have been so tired, it was soup or rice and I was in the bed. He wants home cooked food after being gone over a week and eating out every day. What a bummer!

So here is my weekly rant! Catch you later!!!!

Quick Note

2009-02-23T18:15:00.000-08:00

Still feeling like shit! Doc thinking something bronchial/upper respiratory but the only symptoms I have are feeling like I can't breathe and low grade fever. Did a bunch of tests and that's all he comes up with. Oh, the other symptom, my friend fatigue!

Thanks for the wonderful support you have all given me. I am still reading your blogs and commenting every now and then! I'm just "down" not "out"!

In a cloud

2009-02-21T17:17:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am walking around in a cloud. I'm still not doing well. The diet, well what diet at this point. The exercise is almost "nil". I'm feeling like crap. My head is on a fog.

One of the principals in our school system dropped dead with a heart attack on Thursday at school. He was one of my son's middle school principal. Didn't know him well, but he had a daughter in the school where I worked, so saw him a lot. Just really brings you down. Then yesterday morning, my principal, my boss went in for a lumpectomy. When the doctor got in there he found cancer. It was like a punch to the stomach for all of us. I have my problems with her, but I am a compassionate person and well, it just gets you thinking about how fragile life is. Yes, this should make me want to be attacking the diet and exercise right now, but it doesn't. It hasn't made me run for food either. Just basically numb.

I am still having problems with my health as well and its frustrating the hell out of me. I guess another call to the doctor is in order. I have felt like I have been getting bronchitis for three weeks now, but all I have is the wheeze and chest pressure. Doctor checked it out over a week ago but said it was nothing. I don't think its nothing. Its really bothering me!

Okay, done whining. Just needed a place to put it! Thanks everybody!

This and That

2009-02-17T18:09:00.000-08:00

Just thought I would write a bit. Not any specific topic. I did better diet wise today, that is until I got home. I don't do well when I am stressed and exhausted. I will try to do better tomorrow. My friend and I did walk today after school. It felt good, but I could only last 15 minutes. I didn't have any breathing problems while walking. They didn't start until I got home and started relaxing. Go figure. Maybe I have decided to become allergic to my dogs. That would be a tragedy as I love them very much!! But, I had this feeling last week while at work, so I am not thinking its my dogs. Who the hell knows.

I felt a little bit better today. Still a "blah" type feeling, but a little better. Not quite as exhausted. If being totally exhausted was a 10, that's how I have been feeling - a big fat 10! I always wanted to be a 10. Anyway, I would say maybe its down to a 9 or an 8.5. I didn't want to bash any heads today at work, so I think that is an AMAZING "kudo" for me! Tomorrow is another day! I work at a school, with all women, and well, I will be nice and just say "THERE IS A LOT OF DRAMA - ALL THE DAMNED TIME!" I am so not a drama person, as I have said before.

We are gearing towards TCAP testing (achievement testing for the state of TN) and well, because I have the most computer skills of everyone in the building (except the computer teacher), I get picked to do all of the prep work, getting all the info into the state via the computer, etc. Its not that I mind, I just don't look forward to this time of year. Everyone is crazy and then when its over, I only have a few weeks to wind down to my audit. That's NEVER FUN! I think I would rather have root canal!

Okay, where there is my mindless babbling for the day. I am hoping to do better tomorrow eating wise. I would also like this exhaustion to ease up. I am not asking for much, just maybe to an 8 or 7.5...I'm not greedy!

THANKS FOR STOPPING BY!

Bloggers are great!

2009-02-15T11:12:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for your support. I have been having a hard time the last few weeks and your kind words definitely have helped.

I am doing crappy diet wise and only have myself to blame. Its so easy, when you are feeling bad, to slip back into those crappy eating habits. I allowed myself to be hypnotized by all kinds of crappy food these last two weeks. The energy levels made it to where I barely made it home in the evening, so cooking a great, healthy meal was a struggle and I gave in! Then of course, the beating myself up about it hasn't made things better either!!

I went to my doctor's appt. on Friday. Did a lot of blood tests, but haven't got the results. From my symptoms, he thinks its low estrogen. In the mean time has started me on a very low dose of estrogen to see if we can't get things started. He doesn't seem to think I will need it long term, which I am grateful for. He gave me something different to help me sleep. I was very concerned I might get addicted to sleeping pills, but this new medicine gave me such a headache! I have been doing good with the sleeping pills though. Only take them when I can't fall asleep after 2 or 3 hours. I am so not one to reach for something right away. I HATE, HATE, HATE pills, so all of this really bugs me. I am grateful the doc was comforting and sweet. Unfortunately, I have had way too many encounters with doctors who blow you off, try to dope you up, and send you on your way. I told him I am not one to want "a miracle cure" for my problems. If that had been the case, I would've had this stupid hysterectomy ten years ago! I try EVERYTHING else first. Sometimes, it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Most of the time I spend way too much time suffering when I could've just gotten it over with! But, that's how I roll. The estrogen could take up to 3=4 weeks to see if a difference and that's only if the dosage is enough. So, we will see. I have taken two pills already, shouldn't I be cured!???? LOL The fatigue is the worst feeling. I also think I may be getting bronchitis. Who knows. If its not one things its another with me! But, I have a positive attitude and plan on overhauling my eating AGAIN. These last two weeks will take some work to erase, but I can do it!

The hubby is going out of town for a little over a week, so maybe I can get my eating back on track. Its easier when its just me. I have already told my son he can fend for himself this week, that I will be too tired to fix him something and me something. He's usually good about that. After all, he is 20 and well, he's too old to baby!

Thank you again to all of you for your support. I realize coming to blogs and reading the happy, upbeat, encouraging stories are a whole lot easier to deal with and help you in your own struggles. Thanks for taking the time to read mine!

Energy Crisis!!

2009-02-09T17:58:00.000-08:00

Yep, that's right.......with all this global warming, all the "green" going on out there, and yet, I am having my very own energy crisis.......

No, its not a shortage in electricity and no I haven't had my lights turned off at the house. Its just me. My body. I am running on empty (running on -- oops an old Eagles song). I have hit yet another exhaustion wall that I thought would've left by this point in the game. I was in such pain this weekend that I took my leftover pain medication from the surgery. Guess I am glad I didn't need it much after the surgery. I don't know what's going on. Yes, I know you need to go to the doctor....Well, I have an appointment for Friday. I have a laundry list of things to tell him. I just have always been the type when I am in the doctor's office, 1) I forget everything I want to say.....so I take a list....forget to get the list out, then 2) I am so intimidated by doctors that I just take what he is saying and go on. So, I always get frustrated with myself and with the doctor. So, I do have my list. I think I am going to hand it to him Friday and say, "Here is my list, I don't communicate well, so read it and tell me what you think!"

This exhaustion feels like when I was just out of the hospital or back when they were threatening blood transfusions because of severe anemia. So, he is going to have to run a test or two. Do I really want this? NO! I would rather my extra money not go to the doctors, labs, insurance companies. Who wants that? No one! I am still paying off the hysterectomy. Who'd a thought, hysterectomies on the lay-a-way plan! Sorry, have to laugh!!

I am trying to do good diet wise, because first of all it does make me feel better. Its not always working that way because I am too damned tired to think about food, let alone fix it.

So, for your praying types out there, send me a little prayer that we can figure this out, or I will get over it....for anybody else, just some well-wishes would be nice! I am at the end of my rope, tied a knot in it, and about to free-fall into ............................................

Positives/Negatives

2009-02-06T20:06:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I have been working on my positives and negatives and decided just to write them down:

Positives this week:

1) Today is Friday and its my favorite time of the week!
2) The weather was ABSOLUTELY beautiful today, in the 60s!!!
3) I made it through a horrendous day without trying to choke not one person!
(major positive considering the day I had!)
4) My son took me to Longhorn for dinner and I ate very healthy!
5) My husband called me three times today just to see how I was feeling...
Awh, how sweet! (It really is)
6) Paid all the bills this week and still have enough for a bologna sandwich!
(kind of joke with my sister -- she says she's going to win the lottery,
pay off all her debt, and then have enough left for a bologna sandwich!!)
7) I see one of my sons everyday as he is still living at home and I have talked
to my other son almost everyday this week. They are my sunshine!
8) Dear Hubby seems to be getting over his latest "men"opause spell!

Some Negatives this week:

1) Still dealing with UTI and its making me feel like Sh#$!!
2) Feeling more pain now than I did right after surgery!
3) Wanted to choke several parents today (but see above, I didn't!)
4) Tired that the biggest part of my life right now is still getting over
this surgery and its pesky little complications!
5) Have not been OP very well since Sunday and am having some bloating issues due partly to medication and bladder/kidney problems. No excuses though!

Well, as you can see, my negatives are relatively minor. I guess that means my life is pretty good. Oh, there is lots of stuff I could bitch about and believe you me, it would go on and on and on....but I am grateful that my negatives are minor.

So, this next week, I have got to get back on the program, and even if I am still hurting, gotta do some light walking or something. Mostly, though, its about the food. I have got to do better. I have got to cook. I know I have had a terrible week and no excuses....just haven't had the energy or desire to care! Truth and nuttin but the truth!

See ya!

Sunshine and Flowers!

2009-02-04T10:47:00.001-08:00

Okay, if you know me, or if you've read any of my posts, you know I am not the "sunshine and flowers" type of person. As I have read some of my own posts, it looks like I am a bitchy whiner. I don't mean to be. I am a happy person. Guess I use this blog to sort out what I am feeling! It just seems more of the negative shows through than the positive. So....here's to positive. I have a lot of positive in my life, one of which is that I am feeling better today. Didn't go back to work, but am feeling better!!!!! Thanks to everyone who gave me some positive reinforcement! I truly appreciate it.

I would say that for most of us, dieting isn't always a positive. I am trying hard to make this a positive experience. I know we shouldn't say diet, but who are we kidding? Its a diet. Own it! As I was watching the biggest loser last night, I realized, we all have to own it. We know why we got here. We know why we gained, or didn't lose as much as we wanted. I so wanted Bob or Jillian to go off on Joelle last night. I don't usually watch, but this year, I started watching it and have found, though most people hate Jillian and love Bob........I love them both. No nonsense. You didn't lose because you ate bad and didn't try. There you go! Its not muscle, its not water retention, its just you! I love it!

So, I am trying to write some positive and no negative. I can't promise that the negative monster won't rear its ugly head, oh let's say by tomorrow, but I am trying. So, here's to Sunshine and Flowers, as long as its after I've had my shower in the morning and not before....I am not a morning person! Oops there I go again! LOL Seriously! Don't talk to me before I get my shower!

I've been sidelined!

2009-02-03T11:44:00.000-08:00

So to speak! Just thought with my earlier football statement it was appropriate! LOL I woke up in severe pain this morning. Went to the doctor and have a very bad UTI/bladder infection. No wonder I was hurting all weekend. Thought I just over did it...which the doc said just didn't help matters any! He wants me to take it easy for a few days and not over do it. Walking is okay, but we were power walking somewhat and he wants me to tone it done. Of course, he's happy I am doing it, just wants me to back off a bit.

So, here I sit at home again. I thought after going back to work from the hysterectomy, I wouldn't be here so soon! I am not one that likes to take sick leave. That's why the hysterectomy didn't hardly make a dent in my sick days.

Program wise...I suck! No excuses. Just didn't want to bother. But, don't take that as giving up, because I am not. I have felt too bad to prepare my food and just taking what I can get. It always gets me in trouble. But, have a chicken in the oven and eating good tonight. Taking leftovers to work tomorrow. Going to plan no matter how bad I feel, because I refuse to give up! So, I am kicking my own ass in gear and deciding this is not good enough!

There you go...........another days rambling and that was on pain medicine too!! LOL

Super Bowl Sunday - Not so SUPER!

2009-02-01T13:03:00.000-08:00

Well, I weighed in today. I did lose, just not what I had wanted. I lost .4. I know, I know, a loss is a loss! I did have two bad days this week, but I didn't think they were that bad. At first, the lady weighing me said I was down 2.2! Wow, I will take it. Then, after the meeting, when I got home, I looked in my book again. She had subtracted wrong. WHAT A DOWNER! But, this will only make me try harder this week. And just think, that's without having the pizza!! I stayed strong and didn't get the pizza last night or today! That's a NSV I suppose!

I think I over did it this past week with exercise. I am only 2.5 months out from the hysterectomy and I think I over did it a bit. Granted, I am not lifting weights yet or anything, but we are doing some serious walking. I have hurt all weekend long and my tummy is a bit swollen from it. Now, I realize, most people wouldn't be able to tell the swollen part from the "fat" part, but I can, especially since I saw it right after surgery and I am down 12 lbs. since then. Anyway, I have taken it fairly easy this weekend. I walked some last night instead of eating pizza, but nothing like we were doing this past week at school. I guess my body is telling me to lighten up a bit! It does feel so good after I exercise, I must say. It is definitely helping me get may brain out of the hormone fog that it seems to be stuck in!

Anyway, just wanted to check in and say I lost...........! It is a good thing, but I can't help but be honest and say "I WANTED MORE!" Greedy I guess!! LOL

For all the football funs, have a great time tonight and try to be good! (I can't promise anything! LOL)

I want PIZZA!

2009-01-31T18:35:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have been having a terrible craving for pizza! I think it was from Debby the other day talking about her personal pan pizza, because ever since, I have wanted pizza. No, I'm not talking about no damned "skinny" pizza either. I want a pizza loaded with sausage, pepperoni, and lots of artery-clogging cheese! Oooey, gooey, melted-stringy cheese. Oh, and not thin crust as you might have on your "skinny" pizza. Deep-dish OF COURSE!

I don't know if its because we are "SUPER BOWL-ing" tomorrow and the stores are packed with all the snack stuff, or if its just that I love sabotaging my own efforts. Who knows? I just want some damned pizza! I am, basically, junk-food's bitch! It definitely is my weakness. Any and all kinds. I'm more of the salty bitch than the sweet bitch!

Whew, ok, I had to get that out. I had to put it somewhere because I am not getting pizza. At least not tonight. If and/when I eat pizza again, I will have to make it a controlled setting for sure. Sounds like I am in a prison and I am an inmate or something, but I definitely am prisoner to junk food!

Okay, gonna go exercise because this is driving me totally F-ing insane! See ya!

My favorite day of the week!!

2009-01-30T16:49:00.000-08:00

I so love FRIDAYS! It is truly my favorite day of the week. First, for me, its the last day of the work week. Friday NIGHTS are actually my favorite time of the week. Work is over and the whole weekend is ahead of you! WOOOHOOO!

Its been a pretty good week overall. Had two snow days off from school. I enjoyed them, yet ate badly and had the blahs really bad. I do better working I guess. I definitely do better food wise. My friend/co-worker are walking after work now and wow, it definitely makes me feel better after work. All these years of people telling me to just workout after you get home and you will feel more energized........well, hate to say it.........but they were right!!

Think the hubby is still going through "men"opause. He is still in sour mood. He's a great guy, but guess he's going through his blahs too. Guess I will give him some space and a little patience. Though there are times when I would just rather he would just GO SOMEWHERE ELSE for goodness sakes! I don't like arguing...it darkens my moods and especially darkens his!

Back at work for several weeks now and am feeling much better physically...however, I am being over-run by GERMS....yep! The Germ-X factory is making money off of me! My little kiddos and the never-ending run of runny noses, barking coughs, and projectile vomiting. TIS THE SEASON! Every time I turned around today, this one's head hurt, vomiting, crying because someone looked at me wrong.........felt like I was back 20 years raising my kids or something! Luckily, I have an aide who is the receptionist and she gets to handle the bad parts before I get involved! She handles the pukers, I handle blood and guts. Its our compromise! LOL So, I am hoping, everybody gets through with being sick and comes back happy and healthy Monday....either that or I am spraying them all with Lysol as they walk in the door!

That's enough for this Friday evening! Have a great weekend. Stay on your program the best you can. Walk. Enjoy life. Watch the super bowl! yeah baby!

Snow Days --- Not for me!!

2009-01-28T11:52:00.000-08:00

Oh, I love getting out of school for them, but they are a nightmare for me food wise. I have fallen off the wagon and the damned thing has run me over!! We were out yesterday and today and well, my old junky ways just come right back at me! I junk out and I don't even have junk in the house. I just end up eating too many crackers or pretzels, quit tracking, quit doing everything I now I must do. So, surely we will be in school tomorrow.

I'm feeling a little depressed and I'm not sure why? I mean, I have (until yesterday) have been eating right, I am exercising ( did at least still do that today and yesterday), and am just feeling down. Maybe its the season! Who knows. Been fighting with the hubby. He's been terribly cynical about everything lately and its driving me crazy. He was home with me all day yesterday and well, I was definitely glad he went back to work today. I love him dearly but he goes through these spells where he is negative about everything and honestly thinks he's upbeat all the time. Really? Listen to yourself. Anyway, I don't think that's helping my mood any either. Now, I know I have been in a "people are driving me crazy" mood lately, evident in some of my postings, so one would think maybe its me. And well, maybe it is............but everyone else is noticing his moods too, so maybe he's hormonal, right? Maybe he is going through "men"opause!

Well, just another rant! Thanks for dropping by!

Snow Day

2009-01-27T03:08:00.000-08:00

Okay, a week or so ago, I wrote about getting out for cold. Now its a snow day. Well, wait, its an ice day, that's worse actually. We are actually on the cusp of getting some ice. Bridges and overpasses have some ice already so, NO SCHOOL TODAY KIDDOS! (Which includes me and my colleagues!) Now, they say there is no prayer in schools..!! WOOHOO I will take the day, because if you know anything about working in a school YOU ALWAYS NEED THE DAY OFF! (or working anywhere for that matter).

Since its still just 5 a.m. and had my "phone tree" teacher call me to start me calling everybody................well, I have done my duty and I am headed back to bed. I slept like crap and that was with the sleeping meds! Give me a break!

May come back later in the day and give an update! Night Night!!

Drama...Drama...Drama

2009-01-26T16:24:00.000-08:00

Okay, let me preface this by saying...I'M NOT A DRAMA PERSON! I am a "take care of business" person. I do not like attention. I do what has to be done. I'm not a "sickie".

It seems like my being off the end of the year didn't make the drama at work go away. Used to I would head for the fridge by now, but luckily, I am walking away my stress these days.

I am a people person. I have said this before. I like people.......I like being around them, but it seems like I am surrounded by a bunch of women who are trying to out do each other in the drama department. Every Monday, I go to work. Happy and bouncy and ready for the day. By about 10 a.m., I feel like I have the life sucked right out of me. One of my aides always has a crisis that is life or death, but when you pin her down, its "Oh, it can wait!" The week before my surgery, she came in and her daughter had to have emergency hernia surgery and when I didn't balk (she really thought I would re-schedule), oh, well, her 15 year old daughter decided she didn't want the surgery! WHAT? Who is the parent? What happened to it being life or death? Well, not this person's son is on his death bed, but the doctor said he would be fine to wait and see a specialists next week? WHAT? Then, another aide is pregnant, can run down the hall to get mixed into someone else's business, but is too sick to do her own work.

Again, I am a "get it done" worker. I am the kind of person you want in a crisis because I react, take care of things, and then later I think about it!! LOL I am cool-headed and handle myself well, crisis or no. I am professional. I am a hard worker! I am so tired of not being able to go to work and do my job due to all the drama. I am constantly having to cover something for these two! HELP!

Okay, just needed to vent. These things usually lead me to eat, eat, eat. I am doing my best to stay away from the fridge!!!

Okay, my BP is down and I am relaxed...........!!!

Scale Suprise

2009-01-25T12:50:00.000-08:00

Yes, I went to WW today and weighed in and stayed for the meeting. I do find going to the meetings and weighing in gives me some accountability. I lost 1.6 this week for a total of 11.8 in three weeks. Not too shabby I say!! I was surprised because I had Red Lobster Friday night and taco bell last night. I did stay within my points, but I don't like eating out that much when I am dieting. If I do eat out, I hardly ever do fast food. I know I can eat well at RL with grilled shrimp, broccoli, etc. Especially if I stay away from the biscuits. But, fast food? Well, I stayed within my points range yesterday, but I sure didn't feel good from it. I didn't give me a stomach ache or anything, just the blahs!!!

I have started walking with a friend everyday after school and its really helped my energy level. I called the doctor's office Friday and have an appointment to see him on Feb. 13th. Have to get these hormones checked. They have been kind "whacked" out since the hysterectomy, so we need to check on some things. Guess my remaining one little ovary is a bit overwhelmed! Since making the decision to have this hysterectomy I have read everything I can get my hands on about the hysterectomy, hormones, etc. and I must say, our bodies are amazing. It truly amazes me how the simplest things can set off a chain of events in our bodies. I am truly not a doctor person so, deciding to go was big. I am a "I will try to fix it on my own" person. And I have tried. They did give me something to help me sleep, at least until I can get to see the doctor. Well, I took it last night and feel like a different person today! So, that helped. Going to try and not take them often, but it was nice to sleep for several hours at a time! LOL

Well, that's my day so far. Hope everyone is doing great! I love all my blogging friends/buddies! Thanks for the continued support!

Been Busy Week

2009-01-24T08:38:00.000-08:00

So, I haven't posted much this week. It's just been a busy week. I have been reading your blogs every night, just really haven't had much to say on mine! I'm doing good with WW this week, except I ate out twice this week and I never do as good, even though I eat well at the restaurant~ When I cook at home, I do much better.

Work has been hell this week because one of my aides has been out all week. So, basically, I have to do her work and mine gets neglected. This too shall pass. On the upside from work, my best friend/co-worker and I have started walking in the gym every day after school. She and I are both likely to do our exercise if we do it before we get home. So, we have planned on walking every day after school. That makes me feel good too, because I can come home from work and already be done with the exercise. Last night I did some light weights after I got home, but to know that the main part of my exercise was done, sure was a nice feeling. I have worked up to 40 minutes (and I walk fast -- but she does too!), but she was only at thirty minutes, but she worked it out and kept up the last 10 minutes. That was nice.

Just wanted to check in and tell everybody I was still out there!!! Thanks, as usual for everybodys' continued support. It really does make a difference.

WOOHOO!!! Down 2.2 !!!!!

2009-01-19T09:20:00.000-08:00

That's right folks, down another 2.2! I am sooooo happy! I was worried after my mess up the other day, but I got right back on track and really worked hard to make sure that one screw up didn't define my entire week.............and IT DIDN'T! Now, I have got to make sure this next week, I stay focused the entire week. That would be nice, huh? I always seem to have at least one bump in the road, but they are little bumps, that I count anyway. I am working on the detours so I won't have to go over those bumps!!

I am slowly getting back into an exercise routine and I know that is helping. It also makes me feel better. I picked up a 50 lb. back of dog food this week, forgetting that I am not supposed to be lifting that much just yet, so that set me back a couple of days, but I worked through that as well.

On a different, yet related topic, I saw my sister this weekend. She and her husband are the type of people who are hung up on weight and obsessed with calories. She is obviously the total opposite of me. I can remember when her two year old little girl was little, her husband would nag her that she was feeding her toddler too much because she had a round little face and that chubby cheeked look. You know, like most toddlers look. By no means was this child even chubby.......just normal. Well, after seeing them this weekend, I realize I am so grateful I am dealing with my issues as opposed to theirs. Isn't that funny? I would never want to look like they do. My poor niece, who is twenty, is 5'9" and MAYBE 115 lbs. She looks terrible.......and what is so bizarre to me, they think she looks beautiful! She looks emaciated. She has NEVER looked this bad to me. She has dark circles under her eyes, her bones stick out of her clothes, and she won't eat. All she has EVERYDAY is steamed veggies. This is what my sister and her husband have instilled in her and to me it is so sad. Now, I have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS had a weight problem. My children never did/have! I always fed them healthy stuff throughout their growing up years. Oh, my youngest loves junk food like I do, but it wasn't in my house that often (I was a "sneak" eater, so it was never around them!). This is what I don't understand about our society. There is truly a double standard....Don't you think?

My sister, in all her neurotic glory, has instilled in her daughter that fat is evil to the point that she starves herself. Now, how is that healthy. But, BUT, society agrees. The emaciated 20 year old would be considered healthy compared to the 20 year old who was fifty pounds overweight. Now, when I was 20, I was 50 lbs. overweight (hadn't got off the baby weight!! - still haven't LOL). But, I was so much healthier than she is now. I rode horses everyday, for hours at a time, and this didn't include just riding, this was exercising them, walking out the pasture to get them, brushing, saddling, etc......What I am getting at is, my 50 lbs. didn't hamper my health as much as her malnutrition does. Why can't they see that? She's a size zero. That's what matters to them. This is a girl who doesn't do anything. NOTHING. She goes to the gym with my sister (she's obsessive compulsive about the gym - but its okay to eat like a pig in her opinion as long as you go to the gym for four hours and burn it off - instead of learning how to eat), but she can't keep up with her because she is so out of shape. Now, about 20 pounds ago, I would say she was absolutely the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. Model beautiful. Not now.

It's also amazing to me how two (three actually) people can be raised by the same people and yet see the world in entirely different ways. I am so much more grounded than she is (yes, I am patting myself on the back). Don't get me wrong, I love my sister, I always will. I just don't understand her mind set. That being said, I also have two VERY DIFFERENT SONS who are so polar opposites, but that doesn't make me understand it! God definitely made each of us differently!!!

So, hopefully someone reading this may have an AHA moment and realize we ALL have body issues. Even those who think they are perfect............they just don't realize perfect, as with beauty, is in the eye of the beholder...don't you think. It's not real. My sister has gone up and down in her weight through the years....nothing I ever thought was even the least bit heavy and to me she looked her best with a little meat on her bones. The highest size (we don't discuss weight) she has been is a 10. To me, she was gorgeous then. Now, she's a 4, maybe. She looks gaunt, dehydrated, emaciated and now she's got her daughter looking that way. But, again, polar opposites. Now, if I can just be that kind to myself...right? I don't like the fat, or the way I look, so I understand where they come from perfectly well......but I don't let body image completely define me. I am afraid that is their first priority and the saddest part of all is, neither one of them is happy.

Okay, done rambling........What do some of you feel about the whole body image thing and what society deems "beautiful"? Several of you have written on this topic lately. But, why do people feel that body image, or FAT, or even the lack there of, totally defines a person? I don't guess I will totally understand that! I remember being totally "judged" when I was just 50 lbs. overweight, wonder what they are saying now!??? LOL Oh well!

The End of Week Two

2009-01-16T19:30:00.000-08:00

So, this is the end of week two back at work after the hysterectomy. I have also had two, almost three weeks back on WW. I think I am doing pretty good. With the exception of last night of course. Stressful day, blah blah blah, then the girls night out dinner (which by the way I planned out and did very well) and then finding out that school was closed (which was NOT stressful), but I came home and yes, I ate those damned pringles, a cadbury egg and heath bar (half of one!! LOL). So, as I sat there, disgusted with myself, I was thinking..soooo what the hell is stopping me from making this a full fledged BINGE! Oh, I headed to the fridge, but there really wasn't anything in there that I wanted, especially since any of it would've had to have been cooked, and well with the exhaustion I have been having, no way in hell!! So, I sat back in my chair and after a few minutes of self-loathing, I decided to add up all the shit I had eaten. I mean, I spent the whole day, eating barely any points because we were having our monthly girls night out dinner...........but I ate very healthy at the dinner and had barely any points (6 pts at dinner, go figure!).

Well, after adding, and "guess-tim-ating" (high I might add), I didn't go over my points. I literally was ready to just chunk the whole thing because I had screwed up without even checking how badly I had done so. Well, I felt much better. Still mad at myself for binge-ing, but happy that I stayed within my points. DAMN THOSE CADBURY EGGS! "Baaachhh baccchhhhh - Thanks Easter Bunny!"""""

So, I am determined not to let it define me this week. I have started walking in the gym after work (too cold outside here - haha), so I had earned 4 pts. afterschool yesterday and didn't use them.

Today, I have done very well on program. Still have a few points left and its nearly 10 p.m. I worked out again today. Have got my positive outlook back. That positive outlook of my tends to be very "shy" and runs away from me a lot, but she's with me right now! So, after a nearly crappy eating disaster, I turned it around and made it a positive. Made me work harder! We all know that's what it's going to take, even though it really pisses me off!

Take care!